78

She caught up with her Godfather just as he entered the drawing room that opened out onto the back veranda of the house.

"What's wrong?" she asked gently, being careful not to raise her voice. He kept on walking, as if pretending not to hear. "Sirius please." Maybe it was the hint of pleading in his voice, but he stopped abruptly, his hands balling into fists at his sides.

"I think you already know the answer to that one." He spat angrily, wheeling around to face her.

"I don't." Her voice remained level. "Tell me, please."

"I cannot describe how much it offends me to see you with him," he explained, his voice very calm but his eyes still blazing with anger, "for you to even be here."

"It's just a house."

"You know damn well it's not just a house."

"It's only stone and mortar, Sirius, would you think any different of me if I was still living at Grimmauld Place?"

"At least you would be where you belong." He reasoned, looking at her with eyes imploring her to leave.

"I don't know where I belong anymore." She sighed.

"You don't belong here!" Sirius gesticulated wildly at the house and its surroundings. "This house is not you!"

"What's that supposed to mean? It's all anyone seems to say about me anymore. Since when have I belonged anywhere?" she demanded of her Godfather.

"You belong with us!"

"Not for the first fourteen years of my life." She reminded him coldly. "Then I belonged in France, only I didn't. I knew that I had a brother that I wasn't allowed to talk about, that I had a name I wasn't allowed to mention."

"That was all for your safety. Dumbledore told you, one child is easier to hide than two; he had to split you up."

"That doesn't matter! I had to come here and meet a brother who had no clue about my existence and he just had to accept me, as did his friends. I felt like a bloody intruder for the first few weeks!"

"You wouldn't think it now."

"But still, I've only been here for five years!" she groaned, running her hands through her hair in despair. "All of which I've spent fighting for my life. At this point, I don't think anyone is qualified to tell me where I belong, I don't even know!"

"It doesn't matter whether people are qualified or not, this is all about image." Sirius drawled. "It's what this house represents." He explained, speaking to her as if she were a child. "It stands for all you are not."

"So I am not refined, elegant or beautiful." She replied dryly. "Nor am I powerful or wealthy. That's funny, because that's always what they've said about me."

"You know fine well it has nothing to do with that!" Sirius snapped. "It is all to do with the fact that you associate yourself with a place renowned for its connection to Voldemort and the Death Eaters."

"You're not exactly one to talk, what about Grimmauld Place?" she retorted, angry at being spoken to in such a way. "Last time I checked you, and Harry, live there and yet you do not believe in your family motto. The headquarters of the Order is in the home of one of Voldemort's most loyal families."

"That was a long time ago."

"Long time ago or not, it shows that things can change." She thought that such an example was at least a valid point.

"The only thing that changed was the fact that I am the only one left." Sirius corrected her harshly. "And I never believed in that rot from the start. But this world," he gestured again at the house, "this world is incapable of change and you do not belong in it."

"Why not?"

"You are the new, so is your brother. You represent the changes our world so desperately needs. You cannot claim to stand for such change in public and then return to this world of power and excess in private."

"I didn't think my private life was a public issue."

"You surrendered that right the moment you sought him out!" he corrected her harshly, his voice taking on an angry tone that he had never before used towards her.

"That does not mean that I am obliged to let them in."

"That means nothing to the press you stupid girl. They will always want to know everything; they will not be content with just your public face. They will question why we call for reform when you, one of our strongest forces, return home to your half of Wiltshire at the end of the day."

"I will live where I choose. I will not be forced into moving just because the delicate constitution of the public cannot make the distinction between me and the house."

"They will question why, if you fought for it so hard, you are not willing to let go of the old ways."

"Sirius, I cannot cling to the old ways! I've never had anything to do with them."

"This is part of the old ways!" he cried. "All this house represents is money and power by privilege rather than by merit. Our fight will lose every shred of its credence because you selfishly choose to have him warming your bed!" he was yelling at her now, his finger pointing accusingly over to where Lucius was sat.

"I would still have the money, you know, even if I didn't live here." She pointed out. "I would still own all of this. I cannot lose the association just like that." She snapped her fingers for effect.

"You make us all look like fools." He spat, glaring at her with an anger she had never experienced before. "Swanning around as if you haven't done anything wrong."

"I haven't!" she protested, upset to find that this was his real opinion after all his words of support. "I have done nothing for which I deserve to stand trial; my transgressions were personal, not political."

"Personal they may have been, but what you did was far worse a betrayal than selling our secrets would ever have been."

"Can't you just be thankful that he kept me only or himself?" she asked, tears welling in the corner of her eyes. "That he didn't share me with his friends? That I came back at all?"

"I'd rather he had never laid eyes upon you."

"Well it's a bit late for that."

"I would happily die in Azkaban if it meant the world was rid of a man like him."

"You will fail if you try." She responded coolly to the veiled threat.

"I just cannot describe how much I hate it."

"Hate what?"

"Everything!" he cried, flinging his arms up in the air to add emphasis. "The way he looks at you, the way he talks to you, the way he touches you. He does not deserve such an honour."

"He does." Her reply was quiet, timid almost. "More than you will ever know."

"He has no right to any part of you!" the anger in Sirius' voice rose again. "And you, you just let him keep you here like his prized little pet."

"I am not his pet." The anger emanating from her voice was more than a match for the anger of her Godfather. "When has it ever appeared like I am simply his pet?"

"A particularly vivid image of you curled up in his lap springs to mind."

"And you use this as the basis of your entire argument?" Kathryn shook her head in disbelief. "That was just a display for Fudge, it's not like I wanted to make him feel comfortable."

"It wasn't exactly a comforting spectacle for any of us either."

"Well, beyond that day I can think of no other time when he has treated me like a pet. I am his equal in every respect.

"I really do have a hard time believing that." Sirius spat, his face a mask of bitterness. "A leash is a leash no matter how many diamonds it has on it."

"You really don't believe it, do you?" she cocked her head to one side, her eyes sad and questioning. "You cannot even begin to comprehend why he risked his life."

"He had nothing more in mind than his own selfish desire to survive."

"He did it for me." She heavily emphasised the word 'me', jabbing her finger at her heart. "Me, not anyone else!" Sirius merely shrugged in reply.

"Be that as it may, sooner or later you will have to choose between all that you stand for or this foolish dalliance."

"So you want me to choose?" she asked calmly, not wanting him to shout again. "Him or my cause, is that right?"

"Yes."

"Then I shall choose what is best." She decided after several moments of silence.

"Good."

"Best for me, of course."

"What?"

"I choose my happiness," she explained, "I choose him."

"How can you choose him after all he has done?" Sirius raised his voice yet again.

"Because I am done with fighting!" she yelled back. "I have spent my life struggling for my freedom, for a chance to live a life that is not decided on the whim some megalomaniac with a wand!"

"But you are free!"

"You telling me that my decisions are wrong is not freedom!" she laughed at the absurdity of it all.

"Someone has to tell you."

"Freedom means that I can decide the things I want, the things I believe in, and I believe in him." She too pointed a finger at Lucius.

"Then you will lose everything."

"I will not," she retorted defiantly, "I will have this life and I will help bring change. The Ministry cannot afford to ignore me because, whatever you may think, my influence is too great. Then I will return to this life of power and excess at the end of the day and to hell with what anybody else thinks."

"Then I do not know you. How can I claim to understand you if he is so valuable in your eyes?"

"I do not ask you to understand." Her words were sombre and measured, disguising how much she hated that Sirius felt this way. With that, she turned on her heel and walked back out to the rest of the party, leaving Sirius to go and find a fireplace and Floo home.