I won't give up

It took me a while before taking courage and cross the threshold of the kitchen; I had to resort to all the strength of will that was in my body. A part of me still knows that it is wrong to find myself here with Seth, while Catherine prepares a cup of hot tea, and the other one is instead trying to keep the myriad of butterflies in my stomach at bay.

"Seth Morgenstern is here."

He came to the Raven's lair for me - also because there is no one else in these four walls that could be of interest to him.

He is in danger of re-igniting Jace's fury on himself and, the reason, it is nothing else but me.

My mother rests a steaming first cup under our guest's nose, then leaves one in front of me and, bending slightly, with her usual extremely scenic and ridiculous attitudes, perhaps even winking, greets us: «I'll leave you a little alone, I have work to do». What a news, I would say.

So, to avoid strangling her, I clasp my hands around the boiling pottery and look away, taking it past the pale curtains on the neighbors' house, where a brick wall stares back at me.

I listen to the farewell, then to Catherine's footsteps, and in the end, when I'm sure she has at least reached half the stairway to the upper floor, I let myself sigh.

«Where were you, little raven?» He asks tenderly, making fun of my surname and using the nickname I hadn't heard him utter for months. I feel his green eyes on me like embers, they burn because I'm not looking at him, because he's annoyed - and noticing my reluctance, he decides to go on: «I thought you would have call me» he says.

"You all rely a little too much on my desire to get into trouble, apparently..."

I snort, moving my gaze from the wall to the smoke that rises from the cup, creating impalpable arabesques: «Why?» I ask in a whisper, tightening my grip.

«Why do you think I should have call you back?» I finally find the strength to look up at him, even if it would have been better not to.

The pale light of January gently touches his face, softening his frown; it makes his hair even darker, real shadows, while the tattoos turn into menacing spots on skin, left there to talk about all the wrong choices and toxic memories from which he can't get away.

And I would like to tip over those high cheekbones, to the temples, to put my hands between those disheveled locks and hold myself to him for another kiss, one more.

"But I can't, not on Jace's back."

I have already solved too many details since he returned to Paris, throwing me over Seth as a leech would be that too much step towards a precipice that I still fear.

But the danger is tempting, especially if it has the warmth and softness of his lips.

He leans over the table in the middle of the kitchen. A few handfuls of centimeters separate us, too few to keep my palms from tingling. It would take so little to get close, yet it is exactly what I do not want to do. I know myself, I know I would give in - because if the flesh is weak, my will to escape from him even more.

«Are you serious, Jay?» His eyebrows furrow, almost touching: «I think it's pretty clear why, isn't it?»

"I have to get him away."

I really have to put a stop to this thing, even though it could be my only chance to be with Seth, the one who haunts my dreams and stimulates hormones, the guy for whom I never gave more than one kiss to anyone who had the dare to date me.

It was for him that I waited, even knowing I was embarking on a one-way street - or at least I believed it until a couple of weeks ago.

I owe it to my brother that, thanks to Charlie, I now know have my own and same fears.

Morgenstern is unstable. I believe that a serious relationship has never happened to him and I, as Jace probably predicted, am not ready to become yet another notch on his belt.

«Seriously Seth,» I move a caramel-colored lock behind my ear: «you mustn't hold me, okay? If things go wrong with Jace, it doesn't mean that I will walk away. I mean... I've known you for ten years now!» I smile, but I don't know why either. Maybe I want to deceive both of us that I'm not trying hard, maybe I want to convince myself that there was nothing and nothing could be between us - maybe I'd like to make him believe that I'm mature enough to understand his thoughts and know how to manage them.

The fact is, however, that he punches the table, making me wince.

«Do you hear yourself when you talk?» He says in a hiss, aware that my mother is upstairs and can hear our speeches.

For a moment I stare at him without understanding. What did I say that was so strange? Is it not for fear that Jace can take away all his affections that he reacts like this? After all, from what I seemed to understand, even Benton must have put a wall between them and if he too had to move away, Seth would only be left with that subspecies of girlfriend he have - he's not good at making friends, let alone less interested. In addition to this, if this were not the motivation for his impelling desire to enchant me, I would have no idea how to explain his sudden interest in me.

«Quite clearly, yes» I reply straight off, feeling somehow attacked. I am practically defenseless: how do I think of countering his presence? How do I think I can resist becoming his prisoner?

Cynicism is usually my best weapon - but he is much more capable than me in offensives.

He shakes his head, sighs.

Seth puts a jeweled hand on his face, while the sleeve of the sweater he is wearing pulls slightly, giving a glimpse of the first lines of the tattoo underneath: «Can you explain me what your problem is? I like you Jay, okay? There is no second end, a ploy... there is nothing. Your brother would kill me if he knew I told you, so what's the point of confessing it to you again and again?» He asked, resigned.

The heart starts to go fast, it vibrates in my chest with increasing intensity.

He likes me.

He really likes me.

But can I really trust him? What if it ended badly? Not to mention Sharon... she certainly wouldn't let go her beloved Seth so easily, especially to someone like me.

Jace, on the other hand, how could he react if I were to tell him I'm dating his best friend? Would he get mad the same way? Obviously, he would blame him, he would hate him - because I am his little sister, his most precious bijoux.

Ripping me from those thoughts, Morgenstern stretches a little more towards me. My eyes return to reality, finding his own. They are intense, determined. They are as fearless as I have seen them to be only in the most goliardic moments: when he told his mother that he would not leave London, when he give up on his father the day he introduced him to his new family, every night that he is ended in a fight.

He gets close, I feel his breath on my face.

The shivers run fast and pleasant all over the body and, as I said, my strenght of will gives way, becoming a malleable mass similar to the corpse of a jellyfish.

Now he kisses me, I'm sure.

He will do it and I will turn into a jujube soup, forgetting any good purpose or bullshit designed to justify the giving up on my love with green eyes and fingers that taste like tobacco.

It divides us a breath, but it is enough to feel its lips move near mine: «I do not give up, lil raven. Refuse me as much as you want, but I'll stick to you» and here's the catchphrase, the movie one. Here my heart is crushed against my chest and I miss breathing, my legs become soft and everything loses consistency.

Is it possible that I am as predictable as any low-league Romance heroine?

Seth lets go, sits back down on his stool and leaves me suspended like a fool among the too-smoky sceneries, the excessively driven ones and the disbelief of a kiss that he didn't give me, in the end.

He looks at me and I do it back, in a state of confusion. But he is absorbed in some thought, in fact he is silent, he does not take the opportunity to taunt me - and I wonder what he is thinking. Then suddenly he casts a glance behind him, where the terrible mother's watch, with a fauna theme, marks half past four in the afternoon.

The boy in front of me snorts: «Thanks Catherine, the tea was delicious» he says, getting up and putting on his jacket. But the cup is still there on the table, intact and steaming exactly like mine.

«You didn't drink, Seth».

«It does nothing, I know it is» he no longer looks at me, too busy doing anything else.

I get up too, circumnavigating the structure in the middle of the kitchen and standing between him and the exit: «Seth» I call him, forcing the guy to pay attention to me: «What's wrong?» I ask then, even daring to grab him by the arm. The leather under the fingers is threadbare, typical of a garment used to the point of exhaustion, and the brooches that are attacked on the front reflect the light, forcing me to fix them, rather than looking at their owner's eyes.

With a swift movement, and taking advantage of my hold on him, Morgenstern pulls me to his chest, wrapping me in an unexpected embrace.

He rests his lips on my head, while the accelerated noise of his heart begins to fill my ears, making me understand that, perhaps, a fund of truth in his words there is.

The boy remains silent for a few moments, gently pressing a kiss on my hair: «I was just passing by for a chat, but now I have things to do» he whispers, letting me go immediately after. He gives himself a few more seconds: «I only care that you remember what I just said, okay?»

«Yes but...»

«No but, Jay. This time you have no excuse, I was crystal clear and nobody got in the way. But now I really have to go. We'll talk as soon as I can» he whispers, sketching a smile for the first time.

Wonderful as always, yet distant.

"What are you thinking about?"