Guilty Expectations

As I push open the door, the bright sunlight greets me with a blazing gleam. Quickly, I place my hand over my eyes to shield myself from being blinded. As I slowly get my vision back, the picture of a normal bustling city fills my eyes.

Imagining the plain and uneventful day I am going to have, I kinda wish maybe some aliens will invade the planet, just so my day will not be so boring. I take one step outside and take a deep breath, taking in everything that is around me; the sounds of motorbikes racing past me; the sounds of cars honking at each other in frustration because of traffic; the sounds of people talking about their sub-optimal day; the stuffy smell of my district; the feeling of wind breezing past my skin.

While walking past all these people going about their day, I begin to wonder what drives them to wake up everyday. It is because of money? Responsibilities? Obligation? Or are they just walking corpses like me?

With my mind preoccupied with the answers to my question, I realize I have arrived at my destination. My destination is my workplace, a cafe. With my hand against the door, I push open the door and am greeted with a waft of freshly grinned coffee. I take a second to savor the smell before walking to the employees' locker room.

With my recently ironed out uniform, a white dress shirt and fancy dress pant with a black apron around my waist, I walk out to do my daily duties. Just as I turn the corner, I see a familiar face, Rachel. Rachel look at me, scanning me from my head to my feet before nodding lightly and said, "I knew you would look much better in an ironed out uniform."

Hearing that, a light smile almost appears on my face before I quickly suppress the slight happiness I feel in my stomach. "Thank you Rachel. But I don't think you should do this. It's kinda inappropriate after all."

Rachel raise an eyebrow. "How is it inappropriate? I am using my capacity as a friend and a co-worker to help another co-worker dress up nicely for his job. I don't see anything wrong with that."

I shake my head helplessly and think to myself, 'I can never win in an argument against her.'

Looking at my helpless expression, a light smile forms on Rachel's face. Rachel then suddenly steps closer to me until her face is about 30 centimetres from mine. At this distance, I can feel her gentle breath and her nice smelly shampoo that she always uses.

Rachel tips up her head and looks at me in the eyes. "Can you go shopping with me tonight? I need to buy a gift for my dad's birthday."

The unexpected closing of distance and question really caught me off guard. Instinctively, I almost said yes but I withhold that urge and said sternly, "No, I can't. I'm busy."

Hearing my firm denial, Rachel pouts before saying, "You can't lie to me. I know your schedule like I know mine. Plus, I can see you tapping your foot when you lie. You can't fool me."

I immediately went into a fluster and my mind went blank.

[Just say yes damn it! You know you want to.]

While hearing that voice inside my head again, I blurt out a meek yes.

When Rachel heard that I agreed to the 'date' she suggested, the sunny smile that I love formed on her face. "Great! We will meet up at seven. Normal place, okay?"

Upon that question, I just nod blankly.

Then, with the largest smile I have ever seen on her face, she giggles lightly before scurrying off to the counter of the cafe where she works.

With a light sigh, I calmly walk towards the customers with a gentle smile, serving them to the best of my capabilities while also dampening my expectations on tonight's shopping trip with Rachel.

…

It was nearly six pm, the end of my five-hour shift. As the minutes start ticking down, I wipe my last table before throwing it into the washer before walking towards the locker room. In the locker room, I slowly changed from my now crumpled uniform to my casual shirt and jeans, while I was doing so, I can't help to imagine the different scenarios that can happen tonight. I can't help but to have the slightest bit of expectation for tonight, although thinking about it does make feel I am a really trash of a human being.

[Great that you are so aware.]

I quickly push open the door and go towards the kitchen to grab a warm container of food. Seeing that it is my favorite, fried rice, I can't help but sigh as I realize that Rachel probably cooked the staff's dinner today. Feeling warm in my heart, I gently place it into my backpack and walk out of the cafe.

Without needing any directions, I instinctively walk towards the park near the boulevard where Rachel and I would spend most of our time together. As I walk past the gates, the serene view of the lake and the shuffling of the trees bring back a lot of happy memories, the times when it was just Rachel and I with no voice in my head.

[It is not my fault that you decided to end the relationship with Rachel. Plus, don't you think it is hypocritical that you are here hoping to go back to the times with Rachel while you are the one who broke it off. It so disgusting that you are even having delusions of getting back with Rachel. You are scared, scared of responsibilities and of the future. You are scared to have someone come into your life and see that you are lazy piece of sh*t with crazy delusions. You are scared for someone to come in and break status quo. You abhor the monotonous life? What a fat piece of sh*t I ever heard in my life. You love your boring life. Every time a new element is added into your life, you run, run from the pressure it brings, run from the anxiety it causes you. And you are never brave enough to see it through.]

With the harsh fact about my life being battered inside my head, I run to the nearest bench and grab my chest as I heave deeply. Noticing that I am not calming down, I open my backpack and grab the container of food. With a recyclable spoon I keep in the side pocket of my backpack, I wolf down the delicious fried rice. With each gulp, my voice inside my head calms down until it was completely silent. Slowly, a smile forms on my face as a single tear trails from the side of my face to the wooden bench.

"Young man, that fried rice must be really delicious for you to cry while eating it, huh? May this old man sit next to you?" A timely voice suddenly enters my ears. As I look up, I see this benign-looking old man looking at me with a smile on his face.

With my mind starting to fire up, I quickly said, "Yes, of course. Take a sit anywhere you like."