Chapter 7:Can't Move On

I open the doors and head downstairs.

"Kourane! There's pancakes..."Liam says, halting as he sees my face. I didn't really try to hide the fact that I'm having the worst morning ever.

"Hey, Kourane? Are you ok?"Kiro asks me.

I roll my eyes in annoyance and say sarcastically, "Me? Oh, I'm wonderful. Couldn't you tell from the look on my face?"

"Okay, sorry. I know you're not doing well. It was a dumb question."

I nod, agreeing with him, and a plate of pancakes is served in front of me. I love pancakes. They're the best. So Kiro and Liam. But for some reason, i don't feel hungry. I feel empty, but not hungry.

"I..I'm not hungry."

"What? But you love pancakes."Liam says, eyeing me curiously.

"Yeah, but I don't feel hungry."

"Kourane, don't be absurd. You will eat. I will not have my child starving. And later on, when you're in school, you will be hungry. And there won't be any food, so eat."my mother demands.

I roll my eyes, but start eating. I hate to admit it, but she's right. And I won't be able to concentrate on killing my teacher if all I can think about is my empty stomach.

We all finish eating and start packing up our stuff. I grab my bag and throw my lip gloss in, as well as my red blades. The knives used to kill Koro-Sensei are already there. I grab my bracelets from my nightstand next to my bed and put them on. They lock around my wrists and tighten a little.

When I first got them, they were a bit uncomfortable and I struggled to work with them. But now, I'm unstoppable with them. I can move with them as if they were another part of my body. An extension of my natural abilities.

"Are you ready, Kourane?"my mother asks.

I nod, grabbing my bag and walking to her.

"Oh, darling, you look so pale."she puts a hand to my face, cupping my cheek. What is going on? She never does this.

"Mother? Are you feeling alright?"I ask, still in disbelief of the hand that's on my cheek`.

"Oh I'm fine. It's you I'm worried about, Kourane."

"I'm fine. i don't know why everyone is so worried. I get like this every year at this time. It'll pass in a few days."I scoff.

She puts her hand down. "It's not normal, Kourane. It's not normal to be like this at this time of every year."

"I know, but I can't help it. Sorry if it disappoints you, Mother. Sorry if it's not 'lady-like'."I snap, annoyed.

"That is not why I'm telling you this."she sighs. She turns her head to look at me, her sad eyes piercing into me. "I miss her, too. But you can't keep doing this, Kourane. You can't keep living in the past."

Her eyes grow eve sadder and it looks like she's going to cry. "She's gone. Liv is gone. We have to accept that and move on."

For the first time in years, my mother isn't speaking formally. She isn't scolding me on how I should be dressed properly or how my hair should be pulled out of my face. No...instead she's telling me that I need to move on. She's trying her best to comfort me. It feels odd. She's never been like this with me. With anyone. I haven't seen this side of her in a long time. And when I did see it, it wasn't with me or towards me. It was with Liv.

"I can't..."my voice breaks and it hurts to force out the words. I feel myself wanting to cry, too. But I can't do that. I don't think the world can handle two Sama women crying.

"I can't move on."I repeat, trying to steady my voice as much as possible.

"You have to, darling. It's too much pain to live in the past."she says, sadly. Even though she's telling me to move on, I don't think she's moved on.

"We should get going or I'm going to be late."I clear my throat and break the tension. It's too much. It's unbearable. Too much pain.

"Right."she says, clearing her throat and taking deep breathes. As if to ready herself to go back to the act she puts up.

I nod and as if it's on purpose, Lidia walks into the room at that exact time. "Madam, Kourane will be late if she doesn't leave now."

"Yes Lidia, thank you."my mother says, her old voice and tone are back. Her face looks serious again, too.

Lidia nods and bows, then leaves the room.

"Let's go, Kourane."she says and starts walking out of the room.

I start walking after her and we stay silent.

"Kourane we're going to be able to see you at the assembly!"Liam exclaims.

"Yeah, but we're going to be pushed to the side. You know how they treat class 3-E."I say.

"As if Mother would allow that."Kiro scoffs.

"Exactly. I have already informed the school that they shall treat you with respect and as if you were any other student."she says. "As for the other students, they are on their own. I couldn't do anything"

"Told ya."Kiro shrugs.

"Hm. Let's go or I'm seriously going to be late."I say, walking to the door, my driver already standing there.

"Are you ready, Miss?"he asks me in his usual stoic tone.

"Yes, Ian. Let's go."I respond.

He nods and turns around to open the door for me.

"Mother?"I ask, turning my head slightly.

"Right, let's go."

We all walk out, me, Mother, Kiro, and Liam.

"Goodbye Liam, goodbye Kiro."she says before heading our car.

"Bye guys. See you later."I also say.

"Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, sis."Kiro responds and gets in the car.

"Goodbye, Madam Lili. Goodbye to you too, Kourane!"he exclaims the last part happily.

I nod, a little annoyed, but don't show it and get in the car. My mother gets in, too.

The car starts up and soon enough, we're on the road on my way to my class.

Me and Mother stay completely silent for a while. The awkward tension fills the car up and I feel myself struggling to breathe. I hate it.

Mother clears her throat and finally speaks. "Kourane, how have things been going with your teacher?"

I clear my throat too before speaking as well. "It's been a little difficult, but I have patience. I need to wait for the perfect time to strike."

"Good."she says simply and then it's back to silence.

God, how I hate this.

It doesn't help that all I can think about is what happened earlier. That was way out of character for my mother. It was strange.

It had been a long time since I felt her comforting hands holding me. Or her not speaking as if she was in front of the queen of England. It would've been nice if it was someone else's mother. But she was my mother and I was me. I wasn't used to getting affection, never mind from my mother.

I wish I did. I wish it knew what it felt like to have my mother tell me that she loved me. To tell me that she was proud of me when I did something good. But no...alas, that's just a wish. Maybe someday. But not right now.