Little by Little

(Present Time)

Irish slanged used

Mot: Wife

Wagon: Not a nice person ( Usually females)

Jammy: a lucky person

Spanner: an Idiot

Wee: small

Dose: That's annoying

Flute: Silly

Muppet: Fool

Gobshite: when someone gets on your nerves

Martin made us feel as though we didn't know anything of this "plan" he had been brewing. How could we? He had been quiet not speaking to anyone, not even his wagon of a mot, which I ever do want to break her skull open and bring her reign down amongst the women. We'd clearly love it I would be the most jammy person ever to even think about setting foot on that territory. But as only a few of us, there were amongst the men here, only five to be exact, we couldn't dream of it. It was already too harsh with having a female version of a Martin. Guess that they were made for each other, I could never understand why'd Martin would marry such a spanner. I mean, Agnes, is a bitch by all means necessary, she thinks that she is most important out of all of us, on a high mighty high horse she has maybe, but out of the five we already knew who it was, it was cleary Millie.

She was the only reason that most hadn't left their husbands. While this morning almost made me want to kill Agnes she kept reminding me what really Agnes really was. "Now Lydia, I know you want to break Agnes into thousands of pieces, but, it will be more fun when she is humiliated." Now Mille wouldn't have been accepted as a real woman out here, because she was black. She had a brave heart and knew what was right, aye, yes she did, why couldn't she be the lady of the gang? Oh right, the wee problem about skin. Oh, the dose of such thing, I was always taught by Austin "treat others the way you want to be treated, and they will give you the same respect."

As we had begun packing up the camp, Sawyer and I were putting out the fire and spreading the ashes when Agnes came over and pushed me out of the way. "You are doing it wrong Lydia! You are supposed to use the sand that we have in the wagons." I looked around for Martin, but he was nowhere to be seen. "Sorry ma'am but we don't have the sand no more," I said quietly hiding my accent as if I were ashamed, no it wasn't that. If I were ashamed I would cower with my head down. I was nearly trying not to laugh because of how flute she was. Wearing a mink coat in the middle of summer as if she were trying to warm her cold heart, it was hard to say, sometimes she was, sometimes she wasn't she was just a muppet among other things. As I began to stand I just smiled and walked away from the situation. It was best, if I had gotten into a fight, Martin would've killed me right then and there. It's odd to me though, how such a man as Martin would be so careless of his wife's actions, she should have no control she maybe is Martin's wife. But she should have no power against anyone, as a gang, we should be in unison with each other and be able to stand each other even in the worst of days. However, there is no unison among us, we all argue and beat each other to pulps of skin now. I believe that once Agnes is gone unison will be among us, even if Martin will be sad and down about it, it's better for him as well as everyone. As I had begun to pack things on the wagons I was being followed by Agnes, every step I took she took, every breath I took she took, every motion I made she had copied. I was getting gobshite of her, to the point I wanted her to die, was I really that cynical? Maybe, just maybe, besides if I were to kill her I would have a bullet in my skull before I knew it.

As if the world was turning in the hands of Martin he had gathered us again as he did anytime we were about to leave. "I have the plan." everyone perked as if we were dogs who heard the master calls. "Tomorrow we will arrive in California, for the meeting of all." All of us stared at him. "Meeting of all for what?!" Yelled Sawyer. Martin looked down at the boy who always viewed him as the sixteen-year-old he had always known. "My boy, the meeting of the gangs, there's been a truce treaty amongst everyone." Sai sat and looked among everyone. "What about me? I will get killed being there." Both Millie and I nodded. "What about us Mr. Martin?" Millie said grasping her yellow dress firmly. Davey looked over as he tucked his hair in his hat. "Them girls won't be able to do much Martin, should we just leave in the wagon?" Martin shook his head viciously. "Did you not pay attention, Dave? All the gangs, that means every single one of us." I shook my head but didn't say a word. The Cook as we called him looked around at everyone. "My opinion really never mattered but, why did they call a peace treaty Martin?" Martin raised a finger to make a statement but slowly reeled it in because he didn't know how to answer it. "There had been a massacre killing twenty-five people in the "Bottledly gang" all of us had stood in shock. "The Bottledly gang?" Tom said. "Who would go after a small gang?" said Adam very quietly. "But there was a survivor" Martin had continued through the chatter. Everyone looked up "It was the Allopath, he was in the wagon when the massacre began. Everyone looked at me "What?" I said with a hint of anxiety. Everyone then turned back to Martin. "Why in California?" Willie said. "The Bottledly are from Massachusetts." Martin shrugged "We don't know, everyone was informed of it. So as I was saying before we had gotten off-topic, the Mountain Smokers will be there, now reminder this is a truce treaty, no fighting with them understand." We laughed. "Sir, we are grown people, I think it will take a while to get us pissed off with them," Willie said, Martin had smiled "I hope so Willie, otherwise I will have a bone to pick with all of you." we all shuddered when he had said that to us, we never liked when Martin had got pissy at us. It was brutal when it had happened.

As Martin was reeling on about this plan, I had slipped away to one of the wagons, specifically the one that Bird was at, seeing I didn't hook him up to the wagon. As I walked away, I began feeling the same feeling that I thought would be in the past. The sick feeling turning in my stomach, one that makes you question every decision you have ever made. Bird could clearly see it as he kept nudging my shoulder, I had smiled and began stroking the middle of his head. I looked back at the group my smile faded my gaze then went back to my horse. "I have a bad feeling about this Bird, this isn't the same Martin we knew back then." Bird sighed heavily. I put my head against his spotted side and sighed deeply. "I wish this was just over now..." I whispered to him. As I had gotten back up I grabbed Bird's bridal and led him to the wagon hitch and began to hitch him to it, as I did so, Gun Boy hobbled over with a crutch under his arm. "Why didn't you stay to hear Martin's plan?" He said as he took off his hat and ran his hand through his fingers. I looked over at him with an emotionless look then went back to hitching my horse. He itched his growing beard and sighed. "This meeting is gonna get us killed."

I looked over at him, "You see it too huh? I feel like he's always planning to get us killed, one way or another." Gun Boy looked at me with a smirk. "You are always thinking negatively aren't you? But yeah, I do see what you're talking about." As I finished tacking up Bird and putting one of the reins through the rings of Bird's harness. "At least it took two of us to figure that out," I said walking away to rejoin the circle. Martin's eyes were resting on his wife as if he were planning to do something. He was smiling, "we also have something important to say." Agnes walked up to him they both wrapped their fingers together to make them seem like they were connected to each other and smiled. "I and Agnes are trying for a kid what do you think?" None of us said anything, but I just shook my head. Agnes glared at me. "Why do you say that Lydia?" I stepped up with blood pumping to my brain for having the spotlight on me. "You need to settle down if you were to have a kid Agnes, if you bring them into this you will get them killed," Millie nodded along with Emily, who would have known, seeing she was married to Davey. She was trying for a kid so hard until I had to break the news that she was infertile when she asked me about it.

I remember that day so clearly, two years back she asked me to check her to make sure she could have one. That was before you could go to the doctor to get checked out, all I needed to know is if she was spotting. She told me it wouldn't stop, which meant that she was infertile. I didn't want to tell her, she would lose hope and think that she couldn't have one. However, I decided to say nothing and smiled "You should be ok," I lied as she left to go talk to Davey. I felt terrible that I had lied, Allopaths aren't supposed to, they have to speak truthfully. Austin was alive during this time and I had told him what I had done. "It's gonna be hard to tell her," He had answered. I, who was extremely anxious and nervous for the future, began pacing back and forth. "Why didn't I tell her?!" I said with my hands gripping onto my braided hair. "It's hard to tell a woman that she is infertile Lydia." I fell into Austin's chest and began feeling hot tears on my face. "I feel like shit that I didn't tell her, Austin how do I say it to her?" I said rubbing my nose into his shoulder. I felt like his daughter in his arms, but I knew I never was. "What do I do..." I whispered. Austin embraced me into a hug and held me tightly, he knew I had felt guilty. "At this point, you need to tell them, This is Emily surely she would understand, and afterward, you should talk to Davey about possible adoption if they want a kid that badly." I was then released from his hug. "But why would I offer that to them? Wouldn't they just turn around and say the hell with it because it wouldn't be their blood?" Austin shook his head. "I highly doubt that Lydia." I wiped my tears, with the red maroon scarf that I was given by Austin from the first time we had met each other, back when Sawyer and I's life was a total shit show to everyone else who had lived in that town with us.

Austin had been trying that whole week to get me to talk to Emily about it, however, I would feel extremely bad if I were to tell her. Could possibly ruin the friendship we had that was growing between us. But as I was forced by Austin to stop by Emily and Davey's tent to bring the news. I heard crying. Crying, like something I had done every morning before I actually woke up. I looked up at the stars that were shining so brightly in the sky before I had laid my eyes back on the tent. "Emily?" I said in a low whisper as I approached the tent. Emily had come out of the tent only wearing a white nightgown she was holding her stomach. Her eyes were puffy, her hair was a messy black mess as if she were crying in it. "Are you ok Emily?" She looked up at me with tears coming down her face. "I think...I'm pregnant." she had said. I felt my eyes growing softer. "Please get regular clothes on we need to talk about something," I said slowly in a hesitating voice as if I were afraid to stumble on my words. She had nodded and ten minutes later she came out of the tent wearing a shorter dress and a hat. Compare to me she looked way better, which wouldn't surprise me why she got married at nineteen. During the same time that we had decided to kill everyone in that town in Arizona. But I had decided to take her down by the river bend. We were both sitting on a log that was facing the water. The soothing sound of the water was enough to make me try to fall asleep right here and right now. "So what did you wanted to talk about Lydia? About the precautions of my baby? I know I am the only girl here that had ever gotten pregnant while on the gang so-" I had begun to mumble the words that I was planning on saying.

"You're not pregnant Emily..."

"What?"

"You can't have kids Emily."

As I broke the news she looked down at her belly and looked back at me with the same puffy red eyes that I had seen before. "How do you know this is true?" she said grabbing my hands. Her warmth and her pleading voice made me wish I had not spoken, but my tongue and mouth wouldn't stop moving. "When you had told me that your spotting wouldn't stop, well, that made it a little obvious, I lied about it and I'm so sorry Emily." Her hands had left leaving me colder now her eyes shifted back down. I had felt that there was now a small crack in our friendship, which I wanted to cover up. "However, I am gonna offer something to you..." She looked back up at me "You will carry my young?!" I jumped back in surprise with that conclusion. "No- I couldn't do that Emily-" I was cut off by her squealing voice. "Yes! Yes, you could!" I shook my head. "I'm only sixteen Emily, I can't have kids yet," She was pleading, which made me feel so more damn guilty than I already was. "Have you considered adoption?" I said softly trying not to disturb Emily's thought.

She shook her head as she sniffed. "No..." she leaned into me as she began crying. "I wanted them to be our blood, mine and Davey's blood." I could see why she would say these things. It was frowned upon to have a child that wasn't even yours or even to be infertile. I started to hug Emily putting my hand on her head to see if I could manage to listen to her thoughts. "I know, but, what if we stopped by an orphanage just to look, you don't have to adopt if you don't want to Emily." She lifted her head to look at me. "I-I always wanted kids, ever since I had met Davey, even if I was three years younger than him, I knew that we were meant to be," She said as tears came rolling down her face. "But, I see your point Lydia, but I need to know...Why did you lie to me about it?"

At this point I couldn't speak, it was as if I was reminded of my age again, her being nineteen, me being only sixteen, and still not understanding my own capability. "I- I was scared, if I were to tell you, you wouldn't view me the same way as when you first met me, I thought, you would view me as the devil who told you you couldn't have kids." I felt light tears coming down my face. When I shut my eyes Emily stirred away from me and looked down at my sad eyes. "I may not know what it's like to be an allopath in training, but, I know it can be hard sometimes, to tell the truth." I nodded, "It's so damn hard...Trying to tell Canyon that he was dying...was the worse truth I probably could have ever said to him." Canyon was Sai's little brother, he was only fifteen when he had passed away, with Sai only being twenty. "Don't let anyone tell you that being an Allopath is easy, it's sometimes the greatest feeling when you save someone's life, but, it's the worse when you have to break someone and their family's heart." Emily nodded her head she looked across the river to her eyes weren't as puffy as they were when she was crying, they were tearier now more than anything.

As we both stared off into the moonlit water. Davey had decided to join us, he walked up and sat right by Emily, shifting her body so that her head was resting on his shoulder. "The moon is beautiful," Davey commented. Now with Davey here I felt more awkward like I was the third wheel in this relationship. I decided to stand up stretched and wished them a good night. Austin, who was standing on top of the hill where the base was, was smiling down at me. I glared at him, to which he responded with a laugh. "You seemed down and depressed about your love." I stared at him with a hard glare. "I'm sixteen for damn's sake!" I growled Austin fell back with laughter as if he were drinking that night. "Oh, boy Lydia! Ha- never really can see the whole picture." I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. "Oh I'm seeing the whole picture, and the smell of your breath as well sir." He stood up and leaned by the tree closest to him. "I'm not drunk, but I do have a contagious disease called laughter." I arched my eyebrow as he started laughing again. "Was that a medical pun?" I groaned. He nodded as if he were proud of his joke. "Indeed it was Lydia, thank you for noticing." I rolled my eyes once more and looked down at the couple by the river bend. My gaze softened, and only Austin could see it. "Was it the right thing to tell her?" I asked quietly. Austin looked down as well at Davey and Emily. "It's better for them to know now than find out later and blame you for not telling the truth."

I had been truthful ever since those days, which if I was honest it will probably kill me one of these days. As Emily and I shared the same look when staring at Agnes and Martin. The look of deep concern, not for the two of them, but the child that they were planning to have. I would have probably deeply apologized to the baby for their mother and for my sake as well because I'd have to be the one to deliver them. I was hoping that Agnes would consider my argument about having a kid this early in this godforsaken time period we were in now. I looked down at my hands as if I were inspecting them, Emily who was standing right next to me started whispering something in my ear. "She's completely lost it." I looked over at her and nodded. "She has, most definitely," Agnes who was watching the ladies reaction to this was trying to put on a fake smile in front of everyone.

Martin then continued "Since the allopath who would be delivering the child says it's not the time we will wait." Everyone nodded. "With that being said, we will be moving forward to California, everyone be on your best behavior and load up!" He said as he and his wife started moving towards the wagon. But Agnes had other ideas she approached me and with a wave of a hand, she had smacked me. "If this child of ours comes and you're not ready, I will make sure that your head will be staked on one of the wagons." I looked at her in which I had barely flinched at her slap. "And what if it's your problem that you can't have it hmm? What are you going to do about that Agnes?" She smiled as she looked at the other women and whispered something in my ear, that I wished wouldn't have been said. "Then you'll carry it, you dumb Irish bitch." Millie grabbed my shoulder before I could do anything. "It's not worth it Lydia." I looked back to see Millie in a yellow dress with a sun hat on in which it had flowers on it. I nodded and walked away to the wagon which Bird was hitched to. Millie had followed me to the wagon, "I want to murder her one of these days." I growled under my breath. Millie laughed and got into the back of the wagon and scooted all the way to the front where she could still talk to me. As I scrambled to the top of the wagon and waited for Sawyer to join my side so we could move. I could see him talking to Willie about the meeting as the hand gestures, as far as I can tell were aggressive and violent.

I turned my body to look at Millie to talk to her. "How in the devil himself did we manage not to be killed by Agnes?" she laughed and rested her hand on my shoulder. "I was about to ask the same thing, I was for sure thinking that she was gonna murder you one way or another." I chuckled. Martin approached the wagon and handed me a clipboard. "You'll be needing this Irish," He said in a low voice. I cocked an eyebrow and looked down in my hands on what the clipboard had said. It was all of the people that should be on the wagon I am carrying. Martin began to walk away until I had jumped off and called his name. "Hey, Martin!" He turned to look at me. I held up the clipboard "Why are we using these now?" I said as I was tapping the piece of paper that was clipped to it. Martin looked at it and then looked back at me. "We need to keep track of our people don't you know? we have about seventeen people in our gang, a lot more than what we started out with Lydia, plus when we get to California we need to." I tilted me head. "Why in California?"

The change in Martin's expression had made me grown nervous. "Because in California Lydia, people disguise as other people, and we cannot afford for someone to sneak into our gang." I furrowed my brow and stared at Martin. "California had gotten that bad sir?" Martin nodded and walked away to other wagons giving the same items as were given to me. It had honestly left me confused, what would cause a place such a California to turn bitterly cold now? My thought process was disrupted when Sawyer put a hand on my shoulder causing me to flinch. "Whoa, a little jumpy today are we Lydia?" I turn towards the boy that I grew up with. "If you could call it that even," I muttered as I peered down the list of names. I looked up at Sawyer and groaned in annoyance. "What?" He said as he then peered down at the list too. "Oh hell no!" He said as he saw the exact same name on our list. The bitch was riding with us, as we both leaned over the sides at the edge of the wagon, sure enough, Agnes was getting on our wagon. "Aren't you suppose to be with your husband Agnes?" I mumbled as she moved towards the front of the covered part of the wagon. "I need to keep an eye on my girls," she said with a smile on her face Millie groaned and I just stared at Agnes without saying a word. The last thing I wanted was Agnes on my wagon, nagging my ass the entire ride to California, and I think everyone in the wagon could agree. As before we even have begun to move she began nagging me. "You know, a woman shouldn't really be driving a wagon, if anything the reins should be given to Sawyer, make him work," she said to Millie and Emily.

Agnes was already putting her foot down on my wagon. What kind of gobshite was she pulling? Before Agnes had even begun to speak her mind on how everything in this wagon was. I pulled back on the reins causing Bird and the other horse that was hitched with him to stop also causing the wagon to stop with a sudden jolt. "What was that for Lydia?!" Hollered Sawyer. I turned to look at the opening of the covered wagon where the ladies were at. I looked inside to see not only some frightened faces from Emily and the other women but Agnes in rage. She was about to open her mouth to say something regretful before I cut her off. "Before we even begin to move again, I would just like to say there are a couple of rules in my wagon if you didn't know," I said glaring at specifically Agnes. "I don't want to be bickered about your damn thoughts and opinions on what women should act like to your standards, everyone is bloody different so Agnes, get that stick out of your ass before my boot and all gets shoved up there as well." The reaction look, was the funniest thing ever to me, the baffled look of surprise of hearing the words coming from the allopath. "Do I make myself clear?" I growled. The women nodded, however, Agnes didn't move, she was too bewildered by my behavior. I wouldn't be surprised after this trip she goes and complains to her husband about it. "Agnes, is that a yes or a no from you?" She didn't answer instead she stood up from her spot on the bench and walked to the opening in the back of the wagon and jumped down. "Not again," Sawyer groaned as he leaned back into the bench like seats "I will have you know Miss Lydia, that I am a force that shouldn't be tampered seeing that my husba-" I laughed suddenly without realizing it. "Why are you laughing at me!" She hissed.

"Oh nothing too important, to standards like yours,"

"Are you mocking me, Lydia?"

"Not in the slightest ma'am."

"Then what won't you dare speak about behind that sealed mouth of yours?"

"Oh, just for the fact that you think your husband can manipulate everyone, and that he is just your puppet, look at you Agnes, Your a Muppet, a fool, You can be better at this, a better mot at that matter. Listen I don't care how much you hate me at this point or how many people think that you are wagon, you are still by every means necessary, but we are going to California for damns' sake. This is a place where you grow up Agnes, your husband won't save you every time, Now if I were you I'd get your ass back on this wagon right now, you right now are acting like a muppet by all means."

With hesitation, Agnes slowly moved back into the back of the wagon. Sawyer who had wide eyes tapped my shoulder. I turned to look at him "Why did you do that, I'm bewildered dammit but why?" I shrugged my shoulder as I watched Agnes get back on the wagon and take her seat. "Someone had to put her in her place and if it wasn't Martin, it was going to be me, I had it with foolery," I growled not realizing the tone I still had. I was riled up now, but it felt nice to get that off of my chest before it had escalated into something more.

On this journey, all of us had known that we weren't going to take a break, not even a stop at a town, not even to give the horses rest. It had thrown all of us off, we weren't use to these conditions, we weren't use to traveling long distances with no breaks, especially to Marysville from Tucson. However I did overhear that Martin was allowing us to take a train, leaving our wagons and just having horses or as I heard about these trains you could store wagons in them. Whatever Martin was trying to do, he was shortening the trip, to a some weeks rather than months. How he planned to pull money for that I haven't have the slightest idea. But as I lay back thinking about it while Sawyer drives the wagon something stirs in me a question that I knew only Sawyer could answer, seeing he was the only one there.

"Oi, Sawyer,"

"Hm?"

"Your muintir , did they ever...cared for you?"

"What's a muintir?"

I hesitated before saying anything, it was a touchy subject in general, seeing Sawyer and I both watched his parents get killed. "Your family, Sawyer, did they ever love you?" Sawyer looked over with a somber look on his face, he bit his lip thinking about them, I could tell, he always did that when we talked about our past. " I suppose so? Why?" I shrugged then looked up at the stars in the cold brisk night. How the stars shined down on us made me think about home in Ireland, having a little wee farm, having a place that you weren't always on a run from strangers you didn't know. "I-I have problems now remembering mine..." I spoke softly, trying not to wake the sleeping girls in the back. "I don't blame you, we were only five at the time." He chuckled, He returned serious state and said "You know my Mama had said something about you that I would never forget, she said she cared about you even if you weren't her kid, she still cared, that should mean something to you Lydia." I looked over at him his face reminded me of his mother. A warm presence grew over me thinking about his mother, how nice she was to me and how she treated me as if I was her own. Kind of like how Austin was with me, but they do share one thing in common, both are dead.

Sawyer's mother, had a tragic fate along with the rest of his family. In which Sawyer and I had to watch his family get murdered in cold blood. I will never forget that day, it was the day that the family who wasn't mine died, and that I never got to say goodbye. Neither of us did, that is what haunted us for the rest of our life. We were seven at the time, sitting against the wall hoping that the murderers didn't see us, holding our breaths and each other. Hearing the screams of Sawyer's family, always made my belly clench and my tears run rapidly down my face without a command to do so. Thinking about Sawyer's mother always brought one certain memory that I remember about her. I remember sitting on the bed that I and Sawyer shared together watching her sew an apron for Sawyer's little sister. I remember watching her fingers that completed her rather round figure moving so quickly as she stitched and woven it back into perfection. She saw my fixation on it, and she chuckled. "Do you want me to make you one?" I snapped out of my trance I looked up at her, "No Mama Marie, I'm just watching." I said she chuckled again, "Are you watching because you want to learn how to sew?" I didn't answer exactly because I didn't know if I should tell the truth or not, so I moved closer to her, still watching her fingers steadily.

She chuckled and placed the apron on the table and picked me up and plopped me right in her lap. She then grabbed the apron and began to sew again. I watched, again, fixated on her work.