Fourth

I stayed in my room for a while.

I could hear Archie's laughter at the play area in the garden from here. Sander made some renovations in his backyard when he'd learned that Archie and I would be staying with him for a quite a while this summer and perhaps until the succeeding months.

My brother had managed to make the garden conducive to playing for kids. A monkey bar and swing were enough for Archie to have fun with his friends, though we should have done something about that because Archie had not found friends to play with in this village yet.

My son must be having a good time with his playmate. I hadn't had the chance to see who was the person playing with Archie; I stayed in my room, still dressed in my PJs without plans to take a bath any time soon.

There would be a time where you couldn't find the strength to do the things that you usually do; you lose passion for everything.

Today was that time of my life.

I had felt that sometimes I was just forcing my body to move and be as lively as I used to every single day. My life had been on an auto-pilot like I got robbed of normalcy. I constantly forgot the reasons why I was moving, doing household chores, finding ways to be busy as a bee. When I stopped and took a deep breath for a while, nothing had changed. It felt like I was a young girl who got stuck in a world where she didn't belong.

I was constantly finding the right place for me, looking for the haven where I should be peacefully dwelling.

When you felt like losing motivation in anything that you wanted to do, what could be the best way to resolve this struggle? Well, most of the time, I chose to isolate myself in a room, find solace in reading the book just to divert my mind from overthinking things again.

Anxiety had been my greatest adversary mired with life stress. It was the notion in my mind that kept grappling with the thoughts I should not be thinking about in the first place. It brought despair to my supposedly joyful heart. It ruined not just me, but the emotions within me.

I know it was easier said than done. I kept on reminding myself that overthinking wouldn't do me good, but as I continue the chant in my mind, thoughts just won't stop coming.

An unforgettable experience triggered the way I think too much of things. I started to doubt myself when the love I grew fond of had vanished. Things started to go sideways when James left. It was equivalent to losing half of my heart, like a part of myself was missing and I couldn't seem to recover it.

It was clear that my world didn't and wouldn't just revolve around James, but he was a part of it. He was once a permanent fixture then all of a sudden he opted to detach himself from it. The domino effect had been activated. He left me alone in this universe we had built together, then there was uncertainty in everything I had been going through.

The stars' gleam hadn't been any brighter since then. Daybreak had come and gone, yet the sun didn't look the same to me. Moon was always there at night trying to tell me stories; I couldn't seem to focus and listen.

James, Archie, and Isabel.

Those three names could make the word family more meaningful. I thought of us as one happy family, sharing laughter, telling wonderful stories under the sun. Family was a word I wish we could have defined together with joy.

Being a single mom wasn't like taking candy from a baby. The privilege of giving birth and the essence of being a mother had put a lot of responsibilities on my plate. You wouldn't just wake up in the morning, or in the middle of the night, to calm a crying baby, give him milk, and rock him back to sleep. You couldn't just stare at him and let him do whatever he liked when you felt spent.

I thought I wouldn't be able to be the best mom for Archie; I had cried my eyes out most of the night, ruing the life I had given my child. It wasn't that I regretted giving him life; I wished that I had done it at the right time where Archie could experience the kind of belongingness in a family just like other normal kids, where he had a mom and dad who could be with him day and night.

Perhaps James wasn't ready for that kind of life I wanted for the three of us. Maybe spending it with me and the kid would be tougher than the life he had already foreseen. Possibly, James was better suited at playing basketball than being a father, the head of a family, and a husband.

A part of me was waiting for him to win us back. The waiting stage turned into the wanting stage; I wanted James back in my life badly, a selfish wish. The sad truth was he wasn't flipping through the same page with me anymore.

It kept me awake at night, thinking of the possibilities we had in store if we were together. As you grow, you learn to just go with the flow because life wouldn't wait for you if you remained still. Going in the way of the current didn't mean leaving the scars of the past; you were still with them. They were always part of you, lurking in your dreams, haunting you in nightmares.

I was lying in bed, preventing myself from thinking of James again and the what-ifs of our relationship. Do you still love him? A question that had been popping in my head out of nowhere whenever his name was being mentioned. Perhaps there was still love left for James. I had kept it inside a box and sealed it; unable to be opened again.

James had moved on. He had a new girlfriend now. After years of thinking that he'd still come back to me, I stopped expecting. I still believed that the amount of love I had for James would eventually come back to me, maybe not from him anymore but from someone more worthy, from someone who could handle responsibilities not because he was forced to, but because of the willingness in him.

I fell asleep before I knew it. I had visions of better days, yes the one that I had been wanting to be the next chapter of the story I was in. James was not part of that dream; it seemed like in my dreamland he had never existed nor would even exist one day.

My phone rang once again.

Lazily, I picked it up and answered the call, not getting out of bed.

"Hi, Isabel. It's mom. How are things today, sweetheart?" she asked.

The call was from my mom. She was used to saying that it was her who was calling, though the caller ID obviously displayed her name. The requisite questions were asked then she had started asking things about how my day went, how were things the other days, and finally inquired about Archie, and of course Sander's whereabouts had also been discussed.

"Mom, I'm not in the mood to do anything today. Frankly, I don't feel like talking to anyone right now," I snapped, almost forgetting that I was on the phone with my mother.

I couldn't take back what had already been said. I could just resent myself for being insensitive. Mom immediately let me off the hook by moving on to another subject without prying into my personal affairs.

"I reckon now is the wrong time to talk. How about I speak to Archie?" she requested with so much patience in her voice.

I had the most understanding mother and that's what I love the most about her.

I wouldn't trade her with any other precious gem. She always got my six.

"He's with a playmate, mom. Sander's friends came over. I think he's having fun playing. I can call you back later, maybe."

I tried to speak calmly this time, but my voice sounded so exhausted despite being stuck in this room, not doing much.

Overthinking could consume a lot of your energy. You may not be moving from one place to another, but your mind had been jumping bridges, thinking of lost memories, worrying about the future, and absentmindedly forgetting about the present circumstances.

"How about you? Why aren't you with them? You don't sound so pumped up today. What is it that's been bothering you, sweetheart?"

Just when I thought she spared me from being asked, the probing questions began. I heaved a sigh before confessing to my mom like a kid who broke a cookie jar out of clumsiness.

It was hard to keep a secret from her in any way possible.

"I just like to spend the day in my room. Nothing much to say, mom. I'm fine," I replied, secretly wishing I sounded convincing.

"Isabel, lie as much as you want but not to me, okay? I know you more than anyone else in this world. Now, sweetheart, tell me what's the matter?"

I could roll my eyes and at the same time suppress a smile upon hearing her remarks. Mom didn't let me off the hook, not this time.

So instead of making untrue statements and trying to make Mom believe that not much was really going on right now, I decided to speak the truth.

I let out a deep breath before stating the matter to her.

"James called earlier today. He wanted to talk to Archie, but didn't get the chance to speak to him. The kid was in the bathroom. I tried to ask James of the matter, he refused to disclose it with me," I rattled. "Mom, why can't he just tell me the thing he wanted to say to Archie? I have the right to know. I'm Archie's mother. I can't—I think I don't understand James at all. He's changed a lot, mom."

There was a hint of melancholy in my voice. We both knew that James was drastically different now than he was before, and I couldn't stop pointing that out to anyone.

Mom didn't respond right away. It seemed as if she was choosing the right words to say because James was the subject to be discussed. She knew I had a soft spot for James despite the relationship we had now.

James' name would always have that unexplainable effect in me. He was like a perfume I had been used to wearing albeit its awful smell.

"If James wanted to keep it between him and Archie, you have to respect that, Isabel. You shouldn't force him to tell you things he thinks are confidential enough to share with you. I know how badly you want James to go back to being the old him, but people do change, sweetheart. We need to accept that fact. We have no control over them."

Mom was the first one to take the leap from hating James to just moving on because things between us wouldn't go back to normal as I wanted it to. She was also against me marrying that man. I guess mothers really know what would be the best for their kids.

"Mom, I want to be informed, too. What would he gain from excluding me in the picture?"

"Isabel, you're overthinking things again. Honey, let James do what he wants with Archie. I know he wouldn't let his son be in danger or what. He also cares for the child. You can always ask Archie questions, you know. If you're really worried about the things James has been telling your son."

"What if he wanted to take Archie away from us? What if it was his plan all along?"

"Isabel, we have talked about that matter. James' parents agreed with the setup, right? You both have respective time to spend with Archie," mom was patient in explaining these things to me over and over. She would calmly pronounce assurances just to keep me in check.

In spite of the problems I had caused in our family, mom had been so understanding, in every possible way she could. The way she talked to me, the way she treated me, she was indeed a great mom. I could never be like her. Her composure was the thing that had been missing in my life. The way she handled situations was a real mother, like the best hero who ever lived, unlike me who was like a kid portraying the role of a mom in her school play.

It took me a moment to speak. "I know, mom. I know. I am just worried that he had a change of mind and he now wants to keep Archie on his own. I won't let that happen."

"Isabel, you're setting the bar too high. Just let this one slide, enjoy the day with your son. Don't let thoughts about James ruin your mood, your day. Get your ass up and get moving!"

Instinctively, I did what my mom had told me to do.

She reminded me again that it was time to get out of my comfort zone that I had no control of the things that had been happening in my life, and it was okay for me to feel this way but I should do something to get through this. Mom was not just a mother to me; she was also my best friend, confidant, and of course, a personal psychologist who worked without being compensated.

As if to throw in the white flag, I replied with, "Okay, okay. Call you later, mom. I'll tell Archie you called. Thanks for checking on me again. Love you very much."

A sign of relief was heard in her voice. "Of course, you will. Lunch is on us next weekend, 'kay? That's the reason why I called. Your dad wants to see Archie and probably play catch with him, too. Tell Sander to call me sometimes, that kid must have forgotten his parents still exist."

She gave a chuckle before telling me she loved me too.

I waited for her to end the call, but she didn't. She was expecting me to do that, I guess. Mom's breathing was audible on the other line. I was silent for a while before letting her know that I'd hang up to get my ducks in a row. She repeated how much I matter to her and to dad, and she was hoping that James' calls from now on wouldn't have the same effect on me again before hanging up.

I stared at my feet before tossing the phone on the bed.

I let out a sigh.

Isabel, you should stop dwelling in the past and start living in the present. James isn't yours now. Keep that in mind. You are both living for a different purpose. Archie's there to keep things between you balanced. Just stop overthinking. Stop it by now.

I knew Sander had been looking for me, wondering why I was keeping myself hidden in my room.

I stepped closer to the window, pulled aside the curtain, and just stared at the view. A beam of light emitted by the sun outside made its way through the bedroom's window. It radiated a warm feeling.

I smiled as I thought of nice, happy days ahead.

I turned around and started toward the door.