Chapter 8

I went back to the school with the guys. I didn't feel like being alone tonight after what I just did. It was a shitty feeling but I had to do it. It had him turn and hurt other people or kill him. So I killed him. I took a life, something that was only four years or so younger than me. I thought about this all the way to the school. I wanted to stop seeing his eyes every time I close mine. I tried ignoring it, it stopped for a bit but when I let my mind go blank all I saw was his dark blue eyes looking at me. It was driving me crazy. And it was only five p.m. and I had done this two hours ago but it felt like I did it only minutes ago. I didn't want to close my eyes or stop thinking; if I did I would see him and his eyes. I hated it! I had no choice! End him before he turns or let him live for however long he had and let him kill someone else. I wanted to yell! I wanted to yell at the dead, for his eyes to leave me be! I couldn't do that, I killed him and this was something I had to live with. I had to live seeing his eyes stare at me lifelessly.

I needed to get out of my head. I needed to do something to stop thinking of him. I went to the office and started working on plans to build up our defenses. I've been working at it for a few hours when I notice someone turned on one of the portable lamps. It was Claire. She looks at me with a worried expression. I looked away and continued drawing up plans for a wall to block off the block and watchtowers for guards to look out from. I didn't want to look back up at her. I didn't want her staring at me with that worried look. I didn't want to be looked at, at all by anyone! I stood up and started to make my way to the door when Claire grabs my arm. I tried to shake her off but her gripped tighten. I didn't want to look her in the face, I kept my head low. I felt her hand under my chin forcing me to look up at her. She was about a good four inches taller than me. I tried pulling away from her but she held on tight. She didn't say anything she just looked at me. I didn't want to look her in the eyes. I knew if I did I would break and that's the last thing I needed. Instead of looking at me, she pulled me into a hug.

My body tense at the sudden action. I didn't know what to do. I don't hug people let alone touch my own family. I hated people touching me. This is why I am anti-social. Yet here I am in someone's arms holding me tight. She grabs me by my arms and said "I know that look, I've seen it before and I've had that look before." I just stare at her and didn't make a sound. "I'm not going to say it gets better because it never does. You just learn to live with it" she said. Then Claire let me go and walked away from me. I stood there numb. I didn't want to live with this. It has been about ten-day since this all started and I've only ever killed these things. How can I live with killing someone who was actually alive! I mean these things weren't people anymore! They weren't human! That little girl was and so was he! Then she turns and took a bite out of him damn it! What was I supposed to do? I was too late to help the little girl but I could have helped him! I wasn't fast enough. I could have helped him! I was going crazy. I wanted it to stop. I wanted it all to stand still. My body began to shake and my breathing became shallow. Breathing was hard and I couldn't stop shaking, all I felt was the world crushing me. The weight has cut me deep that I feel the blood on my body as I gasp for air trying so hard to stay calm. I couldn't stop. I ran out of the room, away from where the room with people was and ran. I couldn't stop. I find some stairs and ran up them until I ran to the roof. I was trapped. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't breathe. I dropped to my knees rocking back and forth. I broke. I let it. I let out my cry of anger and rage and sadness. I shook hard as the sobs ripped through my body. I was alone until I felt something warm engulf me in a tight embrace. I look up and saw that it was Sally. Sally looked me in the eyes and pulled me closer to her. I was shaking but I didn't care. This felt good.

She held me and let me cry. After I was done she didn't question it and left me alone on the rooftop. I took out my phone to play See my tears by Machine Gun Kelly, it helps calm me down. As I look up to the night I saw that street lights began to shut off section by section until I was alone in the darkness with the light of the moon and now visible star. I stare out into the sky as the sound played softly in the background. When it was over I shut off my phone saving its battery. I stay where I was, I shiver a bit because of the cold but I didn't want to go inside just yet. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and come to terms with it. After a few minutes, I made my way back inside the school. It was pretty late but people were still up. I looked at my watch and it was only eight. I made my way back to the classroom we all stay in but before doing that I took a deep breath to calm myself down. I walked in and Sally and Claire looked up at me and smile. I give a small smile back and went to my cot. Jade was lying down on her bed and Tabi came running towards me. She jumped into my arms and hugged me. I didn't know how to react but I just wrapped my arms around the small girl. She kissed me on the cheek and asks me to read her a book. I couldn't say "no" to her so I told her to get me one and I'll read it. After ten or so minutes she came back with a thick book in hand.

It was the Grimm fairy tales, no not the soft kid version, it was the dark one. I flip open the book picking any random story. Rapunzel was the story that I read to Tabi. When I finish reading Tabi was sound asleep in my arms. I didn't want to wake her but when I tried to set her down on a different cot she wouldn't let go of me. So I lay down with her and someone shut off their lamp and darkness consumes the room. I didn't want to sleep, I was scared of what I might see when I close eyes. But I knew I had too. If I didn't I would be a problem and not be able to focus on the task at hand. Or waste someone or I could die. I couldn't live with myself if someone died because of me. The boys and Sally would be mad and sad. I have to go to sleep. I have to. So I take a deep breath and close my eyes and wait for the nightmares to start.

I saw his eyes. His dark blue eyes looking up at me as I squeeze the trigger. His eyes are lifeless and cold. Blood seeps into the street. Bright red blood slowly turning black. I close my eyes and I see him again. He was standing there without a bite mark on his face. His dark blue eyes looking at me. His lips start to move but I can't hear him. He starts yelling but still no sound was heard. I back away from him and I drop my weapon. It goes off and he's falling to the ground. I try to make a sound but I can't. I see his dark blue lifeless eyes looking at me with a bullet hole in his head. He talking and I can't hear him. I woke up in a cold sweat. I look around and it's still dark out. I can't stop thinking about his eyes. I can't fucking stop it! I get up from the cot and find my bag. My iPod was in there with my headphone. I turn it on and it has a full battery, my phone was almost half gone. I plug in my headphone and find an MGK song. See My Tears came on. This song calms me down a bit, I just put it on repeat and listening to it five more times. I turned off my iPod and put it back in my bed. It was two in the morning. I needed to go back to sleep but I didn't want to see his eyes again. That's all I can see the moment I close my eyes. Just him and his blue eyes. I woke up with a shake. Someone was shaking me and I opened my eyes. Looking down at me was Abby. She had a worried look on her face. I got up and walked out of the room. Jimmy was making food. I wasn't hungry but I knew I had to eat. I went to the office to look at the map of my city, Manhattan. Jimmy came in with Jade and handed me a bowl of soup and a cup of water. I guess it was time to tell them about where I live. "Jimmy I need to tell you and your brothers something,�� I said.

"I live in the museum on the top floor in an office," I said. They look at me like I was crazy. "Look I got a crap ton of supplies that you can use that I gather before I met you all. Let's go and get it," I told them. After eating we made our way to my home. I mean it was still my home but I also had a second home with the boys. I took my rope out of its hiding place and began the climb up. Jimmy and Erin followed me up with Zac stayed outside with Jade. I had a lot of things here and told them to take but leave ten cans and ten water bottles in case I came back to just be alone and some medical supplies. I helped them take almost all of it and lower it out of the window. 30 minutes later we were done and the two brothers were making their way out the window and I just wanted to be alone for a moment. They called my name and I told them I'd be down in a second. One last look and I was out the window. After climbing down the boys and I grab the supplies and walk up the block to The School. I didn't feel like being surrounded by people. So after putting the supplies away, the medical with the medical and food with food. I left. I just walked out without saying anything. Then my talkie came to life. It was Sally. "Hey, where are you going"? She asked me. "I just want to be alone and shit". I said. She didn't reply, I'm guessing she told the boys. I walked towards the water. It wasn't a cold day in late January. It has been almost a month and we were kicking it. I mean I met some nice people and saved them, but I failed one. It hurts so bad, but I knew I have to move on from it. I was near a park when I saw a group of people. It didn't come as a shock but they look like they needed help.

They notice me. I stopped walking and look right back at them. There were two girls, a kid, and a boy. They didn't look that old. Maybe I was older or the same age. I didn't make a move but they did. They slowly made their way towards me. I just stood there watching them. They had weapons, which meant they knew how to protect themselves. But they look like they haven't slept or eaten in days. As they got closer I just watch, I didn't feel like I would be in trouble. They were making their way towards me and stop about 5 feet away when one of them spoke up. "Give us your thing," the boy said in a shaky voice. I laugh at his attempt to rob me. It was too funny; this skinny white boy in ill-fitting clothes that is shaking is trying to rob me! I continue to laugh until my gut hurt. I stopped laughing and told them no. He was about to swing at me with his crowbar when I caught it and disarmed him. "Listen, you can't beat me, kid," I said." Look there's a place called The School and we can help you follow me" I said. I started walking back to The School with the four of them following me. Ten minutes later we were in front of the School. I told them to drop their things so I can check them for wounds and bite marks. I told them this is the only way they can get in. Getting bitten by one of those things means death. They understood and showed me their bodies. Everyone was clean and I radio the boys to open up because we have new people.

The doors open up and Jimmy and Victor were there to greet us. I didn't step inside and told them I'm going out again. Jimmy looks sad but nodded his head. Victor looks at me strangely but thought better of it. They closed the door and I made my way again to the waterfront. It took about twenty or so minutes until I reach the pier. It was nice and quiet. I haven't felt like this in a while. It felt like my problems were being pushed away by the small waves hitting the rocks. I sat down and just look across to the New Jersey side. Something looked off over there. I needed to get closer to see. I don't remember the Jersey shoreline having a gray wall. Holy shit! They wall us off from them. I didn't believe it. I got up and started walking along the water to see if I'm seeing some weird shit or if this is real. I walked down until I was about a hundred feet away from the spot I was at before. What the fuck! I still saw the wall. I continue all down looking over to Jersey and still saw the same things. It's a goddamn wall! I was getting pissed. I radio the guys and told them what I was seeing. They didn't believe me but I told them to go see for themselves. I was near the Lincoln tunnel when I saw that it was completely blocked off. How the fuck did they do this without anyone realizing it! I knew that color anyway. It was the fucking army! They just left us here to die. I radio the guys what I feel and told them where it is. I went closer to get a better look. I didn't see anyone around so I tried to climb it. That's where I fucked up. I was almost over when I hear growling. Shit, it came from behind me. I was high up but I need to get down and hide. Fuck why I had to climb this thing.

I wanted to see what was on the other side and all I saw was nothing but abandoned cars. No one was there. This is fucking bull shit. How could they wall us in here and not help us? There were only five growlers so it was easy for me to slip past them. I continue to walk along the pier and I was nearing BMCC. The Borough of Manhattan Community College. My little sister goes there, well not anymore. This place looks good to defend and hold people. It had gates and walls and it was seven floors high. You could look out and see the water and different areas of downtown. I wanted to go inside but I know I shouldn't without backup. So I continued my walk down the waterfront, still seeing that damn wall. I was now at Battery Park I ran into some more growlers but I took them out with Max. It felt good because I got to release some of the stress from the past few days. I kill someone who was alive and breathing, not dead, and decaying with some weird virus. This was something so different, he had a life to live even if it was trapped in a damn city with things trying to kill you for some unknown reason and now there is a fucking wall. I was near the ferries and I saw some of them out but not moving. Their anchors were down and it looks like people were living on them. That was a good thing so you don't have to worry about anyone breaking in or the dead.

I was now walking along FDR drive and notice that there was gray along the water. It almost looks like it was standing on it, that's when it hit me. They built a goddamn wall on the water. I was so mad and I radio the boys again telling them that there are people living on the water in the ferries and that the wall is on the water as well. They believe me this time because they went to check out the waterfront near the school. I was pissed but I continue my walk. I was close to Brooklyn by now it was just across the water when I saw that damn gray wall again. I was so mad that I wanted to yell and curse. I knew if I did it would bring tickers my way. I made my way to the bridge to get a better view. I saw a wall that cut the bridge in half. Fucking shit I thought to myself. We were fucking trapped. I told the boys what I found. They couldn't believe me. But I was telling them the truth. I was so mad but I just kept walking. I didn't want to walk along the waterfront anymore it would only make me mad. I made my way into the city to just look for supplies or places that would be good to hide in. I walked past a small bookstore. I wanted to go in but I shouldn't. I was alone but I liked being alone. I made up my mind and went into the small bookshop. If I died right now I would so be okay with that. These books were old and it just yelled life at me. I walked around looking at all the books and gasp. They had the first volume of The Three Musketeers! I took the book and put it in my bag. I left the store so I wouldn't take any more books. I was walking along 3rd Ave; it was getting dark so I was making my way back to the school. I didn't want to go back just yet. I took my time. As it was getting darker I could see the sun change. It was beautiful. I mean I hear growls and clicks but I didn't let it bother me. I was alone and I could move along the shadows making sure nothing saw me. I just wanted to watch the sunset, see the sky grow dark like my heart but also change from blue to orange and pink to a purple slowly getting darker. So I did.

I didn't bother to check the time I just knew it was dark and getting cold. I didn't need to take out my flashlight because there were some fires going and I also didn't want to make my presence known. I was now on 59st Columbus Circle. I was almost home. After another hour of walking, I'm finally at The School. I radio the boys to open up and it was now nine at night. They open up and Jimmy looks pissed at me. He didn't speak to me but the other two brothers did. I knew why he wouldn't speak to me. I like being alone and I came here late. Jimmy was super mad that I was out all day by myself instead of home and whatnot. I mean shit I like my alone time and I just needed to get away from it and calm down. I went to the lunchroom and made myself something to eat then cleaned up. I went to the room and found Tabi on my cot waiting for me. She clings to me and I don't know why. It was weird but at the same time, I felt I was helping her deal with everything the best way I knew how. I didn't say anything but I let her stay with me. I take off my shoes and lay down and she follows suit. She's cuddling into me and I let her and soon her breathing even out and I knew she was sleeping. I was tired and I knew sleep would come but I was scared of having that nightmare again. Soon sleep came and I was out.