Chapter 32

When we made it back to the farm the sun was started to set. I was feeling everything. I was relieved that Josh was going to be okay but I was scared out of mind because of what did to him. I bite him and the taste of his blood was so good but at the same time I was freaking out about it. I couldn't think like that. It made me feel more vampire-like then zombie-like but I couldn't be either of those things because I still had a heartbeat. We walked through the front gate and I was immediately yelled at by Casey and Jana. I can understand why Casey was yelling at me but not Jana. "Mom what the hell you just can't run off like that," said Casey. I stopped in my tracks, she was cursing now. "Yeah, what the little one said, I was worried to all hell when you three just ran off," yell Jana. "Okay first off no cursing Casey second there was a freak and something in me took over and I killed it," I said trying to defend myself.

I didn't like admitting that I felt the need to kill it. But now Josh had my teeth marks on his arms and I knew people were going to question it and I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to deal with any of this. I could handle the dead coming back but I couldn't handle the changes going on inside of my own body. I couldn't handle the taste of blood. I couldn't handle any of this anymore.

"Hey, Josh what happen to you?" asked Jana. "Oh nothing I was thrown into a car by the freak before Haley could kill it but I'm fine, I feel great," he said. "No dude that's not what I meant, you have a bite mark on your arm," she said. I was starting to freak out ever more now. I couldn't handle this. I couldn't handle almost killing someone that I care so much about. "Oh I was dying and Haley saved my life, I don't understand it yet but she bites me and I started to feel better again, I mean I am not like her but I'm not dying too," he said. I felt her look at me and just before she asks her questions the others came out and started asking what was going on.

Jana explain what was going on before we ran out into the town to fight the freak. I was about to leave when she brought up me bitting Josh. "Yeah, I'm fine, I mean I am still bleeding and stuff but look at the color of it, I'm fine nothing bad. All I care about is being alive," he said but part of me can't help but think I've killed him. That I gave him whatever I have but it will kill him or worst turn him into a freak. I can't handle that. I can't handle knowing that I turn him. I let go of josh and look down. I can't stop the voices in my head. They're saying that I killed him but I know I didn't. Right? He is standing there right in front of me breathing. He is fine!

Then they start asking me questions and I try my best to answer them. "What happen Haley?" I try to answer but someone else asks another question. "Why did you bite him?" I open my mouth to answer but someone else interrupts and asks if I wanted to bite the rest of them. I looked up and shook my head no. "No I don't want to do that, I didn't want to bite him but I just did because I could hear him dying, I stop a freak from killing him," I said. But that answer just leads to more questions. This was getting too much for me to handle.

I turn from them and I ran. I heard my name being yelled out but I didn't stop running. I heart was beating out of my chest. By the time I stop running, I was a few miles away from the farm in a field. It was dark and the full moon was out. The stars painted the sky in there own way and fireflies came out. I wanted to yell and to shout and curse the world for this but I couldn't. My voice died in my throat and I began to cry. I cry for my lost family. I cry for what I've become. I cry because I couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't have any bullets left but I did have my knife. I held in tightly in my hand and shut my eyes.

I brought it to my chest and started to push it into me. I felt the pain of the blade piercing my skin. Before I could do any real damage to myself something hit me. I open my eyes and saw the one person I'd didn't expect to see. "Lily, what are you doing here?" I ask her, "Come to stop your dumbass from doing anything dumb," she said with a flat look. I just looked at her. How the hell did she find me? How the hell did she wheel herself out here? "I'm here looking for you because I understand why you did what you did," she said. Before I can even ask her what she means by that she speaks. "I'm here for you because I saw that look in your eyes, the look of being overwhelmed, and looking for a way out, Haley did you want to kill yourself just now," she asks me. Looking at her I saw the look in her eyes. It was like I was looking back at myself but her was darker. I felt the pain and fear. So I answered her. "Yes," was all I said. She nodded and turn away from me. "Come on dumbass let walk and talk," she said.

We walk and talk. She told me about how she ended up in a wheelchair. When she was ten her father was a drunk and her mother was never home. He abused her until one day in had enough and shot her in the back. I looked at her and didn't say any of that. But how would one look like if they were being abused? You can never tell. She told me how her mother left her for died and how she was sent all over until she turns eighteen and ended up here for a full ride to go to school. "I know I don't know you well but for you to reach that point, what happened?" She asks me. I stay quiet for a bite trying to find the courage to speak. "It all started when I saw my father killed himself and how I killed my family, my brother was going to get married today actually and I almost lose another one, Josh isn't my brother but I think of him as one, we've been through a lot together these couple months," I told her. "I save the girls, I save a dog, I got bite saving people I didn't know, and now I'm like this and it scared me to think I would lose control over myself, I did when I bite Josh but when I felt his blood in my mouth it tastes good but I ripped myself away from him, "I said. I stopped walking. " I couldn't handle him dying, I couldn't handle biting him and I can handle this anymore," I said. I was breathing fast and I drop to my knees.

The world around me started spinning. I couldn't breathe anymore and I try to but I couldn't. the voice in my head grew louder and louder. Nothing was stopping. It was all moving too fast. Then I felt something. I felt someone touching me. I heard something but I didn't know what to make of it. It was like I was underwater gasping for air but I was just beneath the surface. Then I felt a sharp pain in the side of my face. "Okay so I know I shouldn't have done that but you weren't breathing, I mean you were but you were having a bad panic attack, but your eyes also started turning red," she said. "Thanks, Lily," was all I said and held her hand. "No problem now let fucking go because I didn't bring enough bullets for that horde over there," she said and I looked to where she was looking at.

I nodded to her and we left the area. We had to move slowly in order to not draw attention to yourselves. But it was worth it. I got to know her better and she slaps me. I mean I needed to get slap. It was as simple as that. two hours later we were in front of the farm and I wasn't really to face anyone. Lily made her move to the gate and I stood still. I close my eyes and just breath. "Hey Haley it's going to be okay just let it flow," she said and was on her way. I took her advice and just let it flow. They was nothing I could have done that would save Josh's life without bitting him. He would've died if I didn't. But I wasn't all to sure but I still did it and he was here breathing. I would have never known I would react so strongly to a freak before until now. I'll never know the true limits of myself until it happens and I have to be able to handle it. I will handle it, I got my family here.

I took a step towards the farm and I felt better. Lily help me alot but what she did was reckless but I would of done the same time. I walked into the house and I was slap again but this time by Gabby for running off and getting yelled at by Jane and her wife for running off. Casey didn't look at me and Abby hugged me for saving her brother but then she hit me for running off. I smile at them and pulled them into a hug. Even if they were pissed off at me I knew they loved me no matter what I am. I need to do better for them and I will.

I saw Lily talking to Jana and I saw them kiss. I smile at them and walked over to Lily. "Thank you again, Lily," I said to her and hugged her. She stopped me from doing something that would hurt everyone I ever care about. I just smile and told me she is around to talk. It was late and I was tried. I went up to my room and fall into the bed. Before I closed my eyes I felt the bed dip and I saw Casey getting ready to sleep. "I'm sorry," was all I said to her. "You better be sorry, never do that again, I was so scared," she said and she started to cry. Oh fuck. I pulled her into my and held her tight. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I said over and over again until I felt my own tears fall. "I'm sorry I wasn't thinking clearly but I am now and I would never do that again to you or your sister," I told her. She buried herself deeping into me and said "You better not I love you." "I love you to Casey," and I held her close. That's how we felt asleep. I held one of my kids in my arms and told myself I would do better for them.