4

As I stared into her crystalline eyes, I realized that I was missing more than just my emotions. I had been barricading off this part of me for so long. I neglected to admit the truth, even to myself. It had been blatantly staring me in the face for so many years; I just never had the courage to embrace that part of myself. But now, I did. I finally allowed myself to expose that part of me that I've hidden for so long. There was no turning back now.

"I'm not courageous," I finally managed to whisper. "I'm not confident. I'm not strong. I'm not good enough. I'm not any of the things you think I am."

Her eyes hardened at that statement. A frown furrowed her brows as she crossed her arms in front of herself once again. She didn't seem pleased with my explanation.

"Don't say that," she growled. "You're all of that — courageous, confident, strong, intelligent, beautiful — and you're so much more. Don't put yourself down. Don't you dare ever say that about yourself."

I averted my eyes, unable to look at that piercing gaze of hers. I didn't have the self-confidence that she had. I didn't have any of those things. I just couldn't see it from her perspective. Call me ignorant, call me stubborn, but I didn't think I'd be able to alter my own perception of myself. Everytime I stood in front of the mirror, I couldn't help but point out every flaw, every imperfection I saw in myself. I could never say that I loved myself for being who I was. I was always going to be a disappointment, a failure, a nobody in my eyes.

I wasn't sure where all of these trepidations and insecurities stemmed from. Was it because I was born this way? Was it because I always felt second place to my older sibling? I never really had the chance to be myself. It was like I was forced in this cookie-cutter mold, forced to be the 'perfect girl' that I never was. Sure, it looked like I had my life together on the outside. I got good grades; I was in a ton of extracurriculars; I had some friends. But, for some reason I couldn't shake the fact that maybe, just maybe, I was living a lie.

"I don't know if I can love myself," I admitted to her. "I'll always put myself down, no matter what. I'll always hate myself. I'll always have these insecurities, these doubts in my mind. Nothing will ever change that."

Alexis sighed. I was pretty sure she was devising some sort of plan to beat some sense into my pig-headed self. I just shrugged my shoulders again, unsure of what else I could say to roast myself. It seemed like I had already done a decent job at that.

"Nobody's perfect," she stated. "I'm not. You're not. We're only human. We're bound to make mistakes. We're bound to hate ourselves. It's hard to change that habit when it's the only thing you've known for so long."

I knew it was true. Everything that she said was right. We were only human. We were bound to make mistakes. Hating myself was the only thing I really had at that point. I felt like it was so deeply ingrained in my character that if I were to alter that part of myself, I'd lose my very purpose on this earth. It was convoluted for me to think about myself this way, I know, but I couldn't help but just feel insecure. Maybe I was fabricating a facade, creating a mask so that no one would see the broken person underneath it.

Or, maybe I wasn't broken.

I wasn't sure of it all. I was starting to come into terms with myself — figuring out who the real me was for once. Maybe it was time I stopped hiding behind all of my excuses. Maybe it was time I finally admitted that I wasn't worthless for once. Maybe it was time I did something about myself instead of wallowing in my own self-pity and hate.

"I know it's hard," I whispered. "It's hard for me to accept these things. It's even harder to change my own perception of myself."

"It's difficult for everyone," murmured Alexis. "I know it was hard for me. It took me years to finally be able to look at myself in the mirror and not think about all of my flaws. I was in a dark place for the longest time. But look at me now. I managed to pull through. I know you can do it too. You just have to give it time."

Give it time.

I wish I had more of it.

I didn't know how long I stood there, pondering those three words. What I did know was that the next time I looked up, Alexis wasn't there. The faint trace of her rose-scented perfume was the only reminder that she had been there at all. I shifted from my position against the wall. There was no sense in me staying any longer. I was here for a reason — to finally face my worst enemy — to face myself.

I reached into my pocket and procured a crisp five-dollar bill. Walking towards the beggar who was continually screaming out random words, I dropped the folded bill in his hat. The man looked at me with a strange expression before he grinned, baring his yellowed teeth.

"Toast," he proclaimed. "You're toast."

I just rolled my eyes at the man, thinking that the maniac was just spewing out random nonsense again. I didn't really care to hear him anymore, so I slowly walked away from him before he decided to beg for more money. However, the man was adamant about me being there. I felt his hand on my arm as he forced me to spin around to face him. At this point, I was regretting my decision of not dialing 911 earlier. The man was a raving lunatic, and I didn't want to deal with him.

"Look kid," said the man, still ranting in that baritone voice of his, "I have a gift. A real gift."

I raised an eyebrow, still looking at the grimy hand that clutched my arm. I attempted to shrug him off and feign indifference. I didn't really care if he had a gift or not. I just wanted to go home. A cup of tea and my warm bed was calling my name; I didn't want to have to deal with a raving lunatic.

"Sure you do," I replied cynically. "You're giving me a headache. That's your gift. Bothering others and insulting them."

"No seriously I do," said the man. "I really do have a gift. I can tell the last thing that someone ate. You, for an example, ate toast. So you're toast."

The man released my hand after his statement. I thought about it a little and started to laugh. The man was right, I did have toast sometime. It probably was the last thing that I ate as well. My stomach rumbled, reminding me that I still hadn't eaten lunch. Turning around, I thought about how useless this 'gift' of his was. Honestly, it probably didn't help him much in life. I left the station without further thought.

It was only a few moments later when I finally remembered what the man had said about Alexis earlier.

Human.

We were only human.