Caged Blackbird

The only thing I hated growing up was; memories.

I hated how they would swirl before my eyes, laughing at my misery, my desolation—me. I hated how they could still produce the sounds and remind me again and again how much I am a mistake to ever exist.

Like right now,

When I saw her ocean eyes, I saw myself sitting with Dad, looking at the pictures we took in the garden, and Dad saying how much of my eyes were beautiful. Exactly like mom.

When I saw her thin lips in a straight line, I could hear the endless laughter we shared watching the horror movie that wasn't horror enough.

When I saw her rosy cheeks, I could feel the warmth of her tears rolling down when she and Dad had a terrible fight.

When I saw her figure, I could sense the warmth that penetrated through me when she hugged me after a group of girls made fun of my small figure.

I could see her, hear her, touch her, /feel/ her but only in memories. Because my mind refused to accept her. Accept her existence, to hear her voice that welcomed me and asked me if I was doing okay, to see her smile that was warm enough but still not enough. Because as my brain said, and I did too, she was not mother.

'How are you now, dear?' There it was. The little crack in her r's and I recognised her voice. I heard the lullaby she sung for me in the past but in the present, I didn't really hear her. 'I am truly sorry about what happened to you.'

I stared at her blankly. Unable to process. Unable to respond. Exactly like the corpse she left me to be. 'Would you like some water? Why don't you sit down for a minute?'

As I was trying to calm my heart down, the door opened and my heartbeat went up again.

Because in the room, entered Leonardo Black.

His face held the same coldness that bore in all these years. Same messed up hair, same bored green eyes, same pink lips in a tight line, only, there was a small gnash right at the end of his jaw. 'What are you doing here?'

'You remember him?' Mom asked me, astonished.

'Of course I do. He is Leo and you ...'

'Do you remember me too?' She asks carefully.

I don't reply. I don't know what to do. I am beyond tired, exhausted or simply, fucked up. A ball of emotions rose in me. I could feel the insanity it might bring once I let it out. Tears welled up in my eyes. 'What is going on? What are you guys doing with me?'

'Nothing, sweetie,' she comes forth to rest a hand on my shoulder, 'it is all—'

I jerk my shoulder off his grip and step back. 'Don't touch me, /ever/. And stop calling me with these... these names.'

'Okay, I won't but you need to calm down. It is,' she rests her hand on my shoulder again and I explode. I pushed her back with such might that she crashes with the table behind her. 'I. Said. Don't. Touch. Me.'

'Hey,' Leo comes over and stands between me and Mom. 'Watch yourself. You have no idea who she is.'

'Oh, I know who this bitch is—'

'—Elsa,' Leo warns me in a threatening tone as he takes a step forward.

'You thought you will save me from that accident and I will believe you are my mother? Are you out of your mind?'

'Elsa, stop,'

'I did not perceive such thing,' she said calmly but I could see the Merle shake of her hands that she tied right after. 'But believe it or not, I am your mother.'

I launched at her like a hungry predator but Leo was quick to hold me. He grabbed me by my waist and pushed me so hard against the wall that my head hit hard. But I did not care. I tried to get to her again but Leo caged me with his arms around me. 'Calm the fuck down, Elsa!' He roared and I stood still. 'If you do not believe it, fine, who is even asking you to? But know that if you lay a single finger on her or even speak cruel to her, you will fucking pay for it.'

I stared at him, not truly believing what did he really mean. 'Leo, leave her.' When he did, only then I realised how hard he had clutched me by my upper arm, how tears had flowed down my cheek and how, the memories laughed on me again.

---

I sit in the darkness again.

My knees folded up to my chest, my head in my knees and my arms shushing me. I was not crying. I was merely trying to understand.

This time, he didn't even knock. Simple walked in and placed the food of tray before me. 'You didn't eat the previous meal,' Jake said.

'Leave me alone.' He huffed and but this time, did not do as I said. Rather, he sat on the floor, in Indian style and stared at me.

I lifted my head up to see his face with the crescent moonlight. 'How much longer will you stay like this? It has been two weeks, Elsa,'

'Let me go,' I say with a quiet voice.

'You know it can't be possible,'

'I am /dying/ here, Jake. I ...' I fumble for words, 'I cannot stay here with my thoughts anymore. They are killing me,'

'Then accept the contract. Sign it. Be an agent and they will let you go out.'

'And work for /her/?' I had never such bitterness for anyone in this world. Not even dad. It was only for that woman, that woman who claimed me to be my mother. When I did not talk to her for days, did not let her in, or eat and even fell unconscious, she finally gave in and sent me the contract— which I was "saved" for. They did not save me for the sake of humanity, turned out, they only wanted me to be an agent— to work for Marie, my mom and fight against the "evil". I must've laughed for almost a minute when they told me they want to hire me just like they had hired Leo and Jake as their agents. They will train me, provide me with house and all necessities, give me good amount of money but I would have to sacrifice my one thing: my freedom. I would have to go wherever whenever they send me to without any argument. I would have to accept any mission given to me without any rejection. And worst, stay humble.

This was the least I could do.

So I refused to sign.

And she refused to let me out. And here I was,

locked within myself,

lost and

wandering in my thoughts.

'Elsa,' he brought me back. 'Just sign it.'

'Leave me alone.'

---

I could not stay in the room anymore. Finally, I stood up and left the room. It was dark and gloomy when I stepped out. The floor felt cold beneath my feet and the corridor smelled of beer and pancakes. Snores echoed in the hallway Fromm every room and I had to refrain myself from envying the ones in deep sleep.

I descended down the stairs to look for an escape. It might not be so hard but after I saw the devices with blinking lights on the walls and on the door, I immediately realised it might not be so easy.

So I wandered around and about. There was nothing in the house much. Just a bunch of corridors with bunch of doors behind which bunch of people slept peacefully. Part of me wanted to talk to Jake, he was the only one who ever considered coming in my room with a kind smile and offering me some peace.

I was to leave to my room when I heard a /crack/ from outside the balcony. I knew I should not go but my stubbornness took me there. I pushed open the door and found a back in a black shirt leaning over the railing of the balcony with his elbows.

I stared at him. For only looking at his back, at his feathery hair, I could differentiate him from miles away. Even if what he did to me two weeks ago still hurt, I could not help myself but have my heart race. 'Glad to see you stop whining and come out of your cave,' He spoke immediately, making me jump.

'I still am in a cave,' I answered as I walked a few steps and laid my hands on the cold wooden railing. 'With humans as monsters.'

'Then according to this idea, the whole world is a cave,' he was staring ahead, with a cigarette in between his index and middle finger. 'So why bother leave a cave to go back to another?'

'It was my home. At least I had my freedom.'

'From what I saw, you were more caged. A black bird with broken wings,' he said, 'flying in the same whirlwind.'

'Because it had no way out,'

'But now it does,' Leo sucked in the cigarette, ran a hand through his hair and blew out the fumes. In the hazy moonlight, I saw his bed-tired eyes, and something in my stomach came alive. 'Let's see how the bird escapes.'

He crushed the top of the cigarette in the ashtray and left.

I tried not to think how he ignored me.

Just like he used to.