Chapter 3

The next morning, Sophy had her phone in her hand trying to call her uncle, walking back and forth while I ate toast and had coffee.

"Damn, he doesn't answer!" She said snorting for the tenth time. "Hello! Hi Jordan, it's Sophy, how are you?" She heard the answer. "I was wondering if my uncle can lend Lilian some medical books." She stopped talking. "Right! After breakfast, then, we'll be there. Thank you!"

She hung up the phone and looked at me.

"What's up?" I asked.

"He said to go there soon because my uncle left, and he can get the books without him fighting with me."

"Sophia, isn't it better to wait for him? This is wrong!"

"Trust me, friend!"

"Sophia..."

"Finish drinking your coffee and let's go, please!"

After finishing my coffee, we went to the house next door, it was not right next door, is less a quarter mile, we entered through the front gates, the house was a spectacle apart! Dark gray roofs and white walls that turn dark with time, sad, four Roman columns supported the roof, the house seemed to be terraced; I looked at the two huge gardens that led us to the main entrance. This was strange, the place seemed to welcome me, as if wondering why it took me so long to get home. But how? I've never been there! My heart was racing, just as my breathing was deep and as fast as my heart. That place would be spectacular if it was better looked after.

A strong wind shook my hair and my dress, I do not know why, but I laughed so pleasantly that Sophia looked at me, surprised by my laughter.

"It's all right?"

"Yes! I just remembered something funny."

"Well, let's go!"

With every step I took I was more certain that I had been in that house, some employees were in the garden and stopped to watch us, some with curiosity, others with admiration, until I saw a sir open the main door and smile at Sophia, he hadn't seen me yet.

"Miss Sophia."

"Hello, Jordan! It's OK?"

"Yes, Miss Sophy. And with you?"

"Well." She pulled me, and I saw him open his eyes wide. "This is my friend Lilian. Lily, this is Jordan, the butler who has put up with my uncle for at least thirty-five years."

"Actually, thirty, miss Sophy." He looked at me again. "Welcome to the Scott mansion, miss."

"Lilian O'Neill, but you can call me Lilian or Lily." I said accepting the hand he held out to me.

"So, are you who studies medicine?"

"Yes!"

"Come in, I'm going to take you to the kitchen, will you accept a coffee, a juice, or a tea?"

"I'd like some tea, please." I said smiling. I was still trying to understand why the employees were looking at me with admiration.

"It's okay, guys, you can go back to work. She is a friend of Miss Sophia."

Then, they smiled and nodded to me, I responded in the same way smiling.

"Do not worry, Miss Lilian, the employees of this house are extremely loyal to Master Ryan and protect him more than anything. After all these years of mourning, no one outside has dared to come here, only you and Miss Sophia."

"I understand. I'm sorry, I didn't even want to come, but Sophia insisted ..."

"I insisted, uncle has wonderful medical books here, books he doesn't even use or read, I bet he won't even notice that I borrowed them. I think it is a sin to keep so much wisdom to yourself."

"Sophia, it was his choice, we must respect it!" I said turning a blind eye.

"Let's do it, Jordan and I will go to the library after he serves you tea."

"It's ok!"

"Stay in the kitchen, Lilian, for the love of anything."

"I will!"

"You are curious, so do not leave the kitchen for anything in this world, if my uncle sees you, he will be extremely upset!" She looked at Jordan. "He is here?"

"I believe not, he left, but I did not see him coming, Miss Sophia!"

"Let's ask the heavens that he has not arrived!"

"I'll stay here."

Jordan quickly made me a chamomile tea and placed steaming tea and a piece of chocolate cake on a beautiful piece of antique Chinese porcelain.

"Ah, my favorite!" I said biting the cake.

"What is it about, Lily?"

"Chocolate with berries fruits!" I said with my mouth full covering my lips as I spoke. "Excuse me!" I said swallowing the cake.

"Ah, I want a whole cake like that, Jordan!"

"I'll send it to the ladies today for afternoon tea."

"Thanks! Shall we go to the library?"

"Do you have the list?"

"Yes!"

"So, Miss first!" He said giving her passage and extending an arm.

"Don't leave here, Lilian!"

"Ok! Jordan, can I have another cake´s piece?"

"Feel free, Miss Lily!"

"Thank you and sorry for the gluttony, but it is delicious!"

"Don't worry! I'm glad you liked it!"

"Is there vanilla in that cake?" I asked.

"As you know?" He turned in surprise to me.

"It just looks like I've eaten this cake before, but ... I don't know!"

"Interesting!" He said raising an eyebrow and analyzing me while I shamelessly ate the cake.

"Lilian, I'll talk again, don't leave here! I don't know if my uncle is at home, but don't leave the kitchen, please."

"Already understood!" I said getting annoyed. "I just want to understand why, Sophy!"

"My uncle is averse to unexpected or even expected visits at home. He doesn't support anyone in his house."

"A lonely man. But I still don't understand."

"He became lonely after my aunt passed away. I already told you that."

"She was the love of his life." Jordan said understanding my confusion. "She was the light of his life, after she was gone, he retreated into himself and we haven't seen the real master Ryan in years."

"I understand! Even I would become a recluse if I lost the love of my life."

"Yeah!" She said with a lost look. "Well, I'll get the books and I'll be right back, just don't leave here, okay?!"

"Fine!" I said smiling. "When they were gone, I looked at everything around me, I still had the feeling of having been there, of meeting those people I had never seen before, it seemed that the house knew me and continued to ask where I had been for all those years."

"Yikes, what a crazy thing!" I said drinking my tea and eating the last piece of cake on my plate.

Then, I felt a wind invade the kitchen through the huge windows that were open and that I had not noticed because they were hidden by the moss green curtains. Who uses moss green curtains on the windows of a kitchen? It was there that I saw a huge and poorly maintained garden, I opened my eyes wide, it didn't seem to believe what I was seeing! My legs seemed to have a life of their own and when I saw, I was in that huge garden. Spring was trying to get through to that particular winter that still persisted in making its home there.

I felt a strange thing, my heart sank, I had an absurd certainty that I had already seen that garden, and worse, that I had been there not once or twice, but countless times, but the garden was more beautiful, more splendid, now didn't have a fifth of the beauty of the past, it hurt me so much that I bit my lip and unconsciously started to cry, I tried to dry the tears, but the more I tried the more they came on, as if I needed to cry, I felt a tightness in heart, a deep sadness to see such a beautiful garden destroyed, ... months of work to see everything destroyed by time, by neglect, by pain...

That hurt me too much, don't ask me why, I don't know how to answer you, it seems that everything was left aside, as if to be to forgotten, as if it hurt to be there. I realized that I was crying from sobbing, a pain gripped my chest, as if one hand were tightening my heart and the other on my throat, I was desperate!

"What did they do to you?" I asked without a voice. "Why didn't anyone take care of here?" I wondered feeling a horrible pain inside my chest, I couldn't breathe properly, the air didn't seem to want to come to my lungs that refused to work, I knelt down to try to see if there were any flowers trying to grow there, if there were still any remnant of life in that place. "Why didn't you take care of my garden while I was away?" My garden? I think I'm going crazy! I've never been there!

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" A powerful voice asked me, it was all very fast, I felt a violent tug, black eyes like the devil's eyes stared at me while big, hot hands squeezed me and hurt my wrists, I opened my eyes wide with my mouth open by the huge fright. Time stopped and everything was in slow motion ... He was beautiful! The sloppy appearance, the dark circles of sleepless nights and the ferocity with which he looked at me left me speechless, his hot breath was poured on me with fury and hatred, his lips were clenched into a tight line. "Answer me, young lady, or are you deaf? Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"I ... I ..." I couldn't answer, I was more than scared and to make the tears worse wanted to fall again and my heart leapt as if recognizing it.

******

Ryan

I didn't stop thinking about her one day! Ah, Susan, why did you have to die? Why? What did I do wrong? I think about it all day, every day and I don't come to any conclusion, on the contrary, I feel more pain with each passing day.

You may think that I am soft or that I don't want to face my problems head on but put yourself in my shoes! Imagine losing the love of your life for circumstances you don't even understand? When I was younger, I was the nerd of the class and I was always being made a fool of by my colleagues, children can be mean, but it is up to each of us to overcome our fears and our hurts.

Because I am gifted and have more skill in the field of Medicine, I can think faster, learn faster and understand many things faster, there is one thing I have never overcome and will never understand: the death of my Susan. She lit me up, I was like a sunflower, and after she was gone, all my days turned to night. Everything went away, my smile, my desire to get up, my primary motivation to live, I swore an oath, I promised God and Susan that I would live, that I would not die of love, but that I would go on with my life.

Well, I can't say that I didn't break the oath, but I can't say that I did! I continued to live, but I did not go on with my life. I let my grief take care of me and everything that referred to her. I had all your things kept in the room next to ours where your studio was.

Let's start from the beginning, better this way. Maybe by telling my story I can finally redeem myself from the sins that I may have committed in this life or in the previous ones, not that I believe it, but you never know, right?! I learned from Susan that all things are possible for those who believe.

As I said, as a boy I was taxed as a nerd, but actually I was the most gifted student from Ireland! I was invited to study at a renowned college in the United States, I did my postgraduate studies in neurosurgery and pediatrics. I love children, my dream was to have several children. When I returned to Ireland, I went to work at my family's hospital network.

"Mark, I'm going to the bookstore to see if there's a book, do you want anything from there?"

"What book are you going to buy?"

"One of neurology, I need to take a look at some new literature."

"Right! No, but bring something about orthopedic surgery, please."

"You're asking too much!"

"Hey, but you asked!"

I laughed and went to the bookstore.

"This bookshop is the only one I know of that classifies literary novels close to medical books. Do they mean that a good romance helps to heal the soul?" I asked my buttons.

I turned around and saw a beautiful redhead stumble, literally, on top of me, I spread my arms and she came face to face with my chest. Then, she lifted his head crowned by beautiful red curls that were loose, his blue eyes were revealed to me along with his face dotted with freckles, his cheeks that turned a light pink tone along with his well-made lips.

"Excuse me." I said, but I do not even know why I apologized.

"I should be sorry. I am so sorry! I really am the clumsiest ballerina in the ballet company!" She said gently leaving my arms. I screwed!

"Are you a ballerina then?!" I asked surprised, but I was sad that she left my arms, I felt that this was where she should be. What a crazy and funny feeling!

"Yes! Well, I try, don't I?!" She said blandly. I think I intimidate her with my size, after all, I am almost two meters tall, I am huge!

"What are you going to read?" I asked curious.

"Pride and Prejudice."

"Jane Austin. Interesting!" Girls! Always so romantic.

"I am an incurable and incorrigible romantic."

"Look, I'm a doctor and I never heard that romanticism is a disease." I never heard! As I said to my buttons, the bookstore manager must have thought that to heal the soul a good romance helps. She smiled awkwardly and saw my huge books.

"I don't know if you believe in past lives and it may seem crazy, but I think I already meet you; I feel I meet you from somewhere." She looked at me and said as if she had lost her thoughts, or as if she were in a trance, because her beautiful blue eyes widened.

"I don't believe it, but I'm starting to believe it now, I feel like I meet you from other times, from other lives, and look, I don't believe in any of that." It seemed that we were entering the same attunement, I really do not believe in past lives, but as soon as I saw her, I really felt that I meet her, not from now, but from many years!

She was still wearing ballet clothes, wearing a pink and white backpack, with headphones resting loosely around her neck.

My mobile rang.

"Excuse me." I said taking out my cell phone and answering. "Ryan."

"Sorry for the inconvenience, dr. Scott, but you have emergency surgery, a child just came into the hospital and fractured his skull!"

I got lost in the call because my eyes were watching the little redhead ballerina who was absent-mindedly looking at a book, she could even disguise it, but with every second she blushed even more aware that I was watching her with interest.

"Okay, I'll be there in twenty minutes. Thank you, Janet!" I said.

"Problems?" She asked me after seeing me turning off the mobile.

"So-so. I'd love to talk more, but I have to go." Unfortunately!

"It was a pleasure!" She said extending my hand.

"It was my pleasure, miss ..." I said extending my hand, when she accepted it, I squeezed it firmly, but nothing that would hurt her. My mother says that the woman knows whether the man is firm or not by his handshake.

"Susan Baltimore." She smiled.

"It was my pleasure, Miss. Susan Baltimore. See you!"

"See you later, dr. Ryan."

She turned her back on me and went to the mezzanine, I followed her with my eyes and when she was gone, I went to the cashier.

"Come on, Ryan, you need to get back to the hospital soon!"

That week, I met my Susan's mother and sister, the little girl was losing her leg movements, she was just four years old, peripheral neuropathy was the result of type 1 diabetes, the little girl was born with the disease and her parents never knew. I summoned all the specialists at the hospital to follow the case and assist the girl.

"Ryan, wake up! I'm talking with you!" One day, Charles, a friend of mine from college, woke me from a thought.

"Hi, Charles, sorry! What is happen? What I lose?"

"The family Baltimore arrived, it seems that the little girl had a terrible fall from the stairs."

"My Goodness! Come on, Charles!" I said taking the medical report.

"Is it my impression or every time they come to the medical appointment with the medical team do you get distracted?"

"Just me?! Or do you think I don't see you distracted by the Baltimore eldest daughter either?"

"Me and all the doctors here! Not only in the eldest daughter, but in the mother as well."

���For you to see that I'm not the only one who likes to see beautiful things and people."

He smiled, we gathered the team and went to the office. She was beautiful, her hair in a bun with a crown in the shape of a beautiful swan, white ballet clothes, she looked like Princess Odile from The Swan Lake.

"Susan, dear, I'm sorry, we can't go to your presentation, I think you better go!" Mr. Baltimore said with regret. Fitzwillian Baltimore, a strong-looking man with dark eyes. He was Austrian and had a heavy accent.

"Yes Dad!"

"We feel very, my dear, but after your sister's fall, I don't know what else to do." Jasmine said as if to apologize.

"Okay, Mom. If I were not the first ballerina, I wouldn't even go to a ballet performance today!"

"Even if you were not the first ballerina, you would go to the ballet performance, today is your graduation! Now go and show what you came for, my sweet girl!" The mother said holding the face of the redhead who populated my dreams and thoughts. "We are very proud of you."

She smiled, then Murphy opened his arms and Susan picked her up, gave her a smack kiss, placed her on the stretcher and hugged her father.

"Excuse!" She said looking at me.

"Good ballet performance! Break your leg!"

"Thanks!" She said smiling.

"Doctor, why are you wishing for my daughter to break her leg?"

"Mom, it is as we speak in the arts, he is wishing me good luck!" Susan explained amused.

"Ahh ..." She said still not understanding much. "Well, everything will work out!"

"Yes!"

She looked at me again and opened her smile even more.

"Could you excuse me, Doctor Ryan?"

"Oh yes of course! Excuse me!"

I saw her leave, so I went back to my very blond little patient with the huge and curious honey-colored eyes.

"Murphy, what did you do this time?"

"I fell!" She said in her innocence.

"How?"

"Do not know! I know I fell when I realized I was on the floor in the room."

"Where were you when you fell?"

"At the beginning of the stairs."

"Did she roll the stairs?" I looked at Mrs. Baltimore seriously.

"I think so, doctor, I was in the kitchen when I heard her cry."

So, I started to examine the little girl. Something tells me that it is much more serious than we might suppose. I looked at Charles who gave me a meaningful look.

I met Susan a few days later at the bookstore, it seemed like our meeting place, from there we started seeing each other at her lunch break, shortly after we got engaged and got married.

My family loved her, my Mom, Megan and she were close together, I introduced the two families who got along as soon as they saw each other, I asked Jordan to plant sunflowers in the house where we were going to live, but Susan insisted on planting and Jordan helped her. She literally bloomed in my garden and my family's, our engagement was at my parents' house, because she is very shy, we did something small and intimate. Only our families and some friends from the hospital.

"Congratulations to the couple!" Charles toasted and everyone raised their glasses. "Who knew, huh, my friend! Of all the men who drooled over Susan, soon you, the ugliest, won the girl over!"

"Oh, Charles! How silly you are!" She said smiling embarrassed and hiding in my chest.

"The lady chose it! Just like in nature, the female chooses the alpha male!" I laughed.

"Ryan!" She gave me a reprimand smiling.

"Convinced!" Charles said.

It was a beautiful summer day, I gave him a chaste kiss on the fire-colored hair. My sister monopolized his attention and the men got together to talk:

"Now, now, the most eligible bachelor in Ireland decided to tie himself up."

"Hi, Adeline!" I said not enjoying seeing her there.

"Answer me one thing, Ryan."

"The small talk will start!" I said scratching my eyes.

"Keep calm, cowboy! I just want to know something, what does she have that I don't have?"

Adeline is my cousin Mark's cousin; your mother is a Fitzpatrick. The Fitzpatrick family is extremely traditional and as old as mine in Ireland. Adeline is an intern at the hospital, only there at Mark's request.

"Everything you don't have!" I replied smiling shamelessly to her. So, I went to the men's circle of the family, my father-in-law was among us, they talked about astronomy.

"It seems that someone don't like so much to have competition, Master Ryan."

"What do you mean, Jordan?"

"Miss. Fitzpatrick seemed a little upset with your answer." He told me pulling me aside me and putting whiskey in my glass.

"That sad!" I said drinking the yellowish liquid. "Have you already arranged with Susan what will be the menu of our wedding party?"

"Yes, Master Ryan, it will be a breakfast, which I must say and emphasize, full of stars."

"What do you mean, Jordan?"

"Traditional recipes from the Baltimore family, she is German from her mother's side, if I'm not mistaken her grandmother is German, married to an Englishman and they chose Ireland as their home."

"Right. And what else?"

"It will be a traditional German breakfast with rye breads, eggs, sausages, juices and fruits, and she said that you can't miss brezel, a braided bread, that her grandmother will make, she said that the granny insisted."

"And you?"

"I did not object, Master Ryan, after all, Miss Susan will soon be the owner of the house!"

"What do you think of her, Jordan?" I smiled and asked.

"Are you happy, Master?"

"So much!"

"So, she's perfect! Continuing, Master, you will also have the traditional Irish breakfast, with Irish coffee, bacon, eggs, sausage, tomatoes, potatoes and beans. In addition to your beautiful wedding cake, which, as tradition dictates, should be prepared a month before."

"Traditional cake?"

"Yes, Master Ryan, with dried fruits such as raisins, currants, candied cherries and chopped almonds, apart from the spices that Miss Susan left none of them out, such as cloves, cinnamon, ginger and nutmeg."

"Great!"

"Apart from the sweets and everything, ginger and cider soda to toast."

"Do as my Susan ask, Jordan, please."

"Yes, Master Ryan."

Susan came to me.

"Miss Susan." Jordan greeted her.

"Jordan." She replied sweetly. "Come, I want you to meet my granny."

At the beginning of autumn on a Saturday morning I was waiting for her at the altar, it was around eight-thirty in the morning, when I saw her arrive with her father in that beautiful engagement dress with little daisies by the huge braid, wreath and little ones sunflowers on the head that matched the bouquet and took my breath away. The light dress, despite the Irish lace, and the veil swayed in the wind, my mom who had made Susan's dress, I only know why she made it a point to do it, I saw her doing every detail, but the masterpiece I could only contemplate when she came with Mr. Baltimore, in his bouquet there was the small, traditional horseshoe to give good luck for our wedding. Too bad it was not much help when she left, but we were happy until the last day of her life, so it wasn't that bad luck, it gave us luck until she died.

She was so beautiful, so the sun shone on her, a sign of good luck for us. After the ceremony, as we passed the guest hall, they got up, clapped and whistled happily for our happiness, so the party started, it was until dawn, and I was dead, it was just wonderful. When I remember the sweetness of her eyes on our wedding night my heart hurts, as expected, I was the first and only man in her life, just as she was the only woman in my life. I am an experienced man and my cases, before I met her, were always discreet, when I met her, I had no one else in my life except her.

In the following months, I left the hospital and went to pick up my wife at the ballet studio where I taught. When I had a presentation, she was rehearsing until later and to wait for her, I read medical articles.

"My love?���

"Yes!" I said taking my eyes off the neurology book I was reading, I smiled at her seeing those blue eyes like the sea.

"Let's go?"

"Yes, light of my life! How was today's class?"

"Good! I have news."

"Come on, I booked a wonderful dinner for us."

"Really? Where?"

"At your mother-in-law's house! She is demanding your presence, she accused me of keeping her trapped inside the house and not sharing it with anyone."

"Huh?! We went there at the weekend."

"Do what? Your mother-in-law's stuff! And what are your news?"

"The Ballet Bolshoi company will be in town to see our performance."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No!" She said sadly.

"What happen, my flower of life?"

"They are looking for new dancers and ..."

"When they see you, they will be delighted!"

"What if I have to go to Russia?"

"I will go with you!"

"Truth?"

"Of course, my love! We are one! When I met you, I always knew that one day I would go to the Bolshoi Ballet, and I would never say no to you."

"Thanks!" She said opening the beautiful smile that I loved so much and that illuminated me. She was my private sun.

That day we talked about Megan and Richard's engagement; we were their best man. Megan was three years younger than me, she was not gifted, but she was above average and that made her a few years ahead of school. She was general practitioner. She married pregnant with Sophia, after having an abortion at the age of twenty. Mom almost died with her, I remember it like it was today, Megan was shedding blood, Sophia was born big, my sister was died as soon as she saw her.

In the following weeks, Susan was chosen to give Clara life, in the play The Nutcracker, the people from the Bolshoi Ballet company would be at the theater for the performance, Susan was so happy, but the proof of truth would be individual, she rehearsed for weeks The Firebird. One of the selectors of the Bolshoi Ballet was a personal friend of the ballet teacher, Susan taught ballet classes in the studio, and then she and some colleagues stayed for Madame Dominique's classes.

There was only one spot for Ballet, and she was chosen. We were going to move to Russia in two weeks, two days before our move, I got a call from Saint Mary, I was at the bookstore having a coffee and reading a book, we had arranged to meet there, every week we did this.

"Ryan!"

"Son, come to Saint Mary now!"

"What happened, Dad?" My heart raced and I felt a horrible chill in my belly.

"It's Susan!"

"What happened?" I asked putting on my blazer and leaving money on the table, took my bag and ran to the car while talking to my father. "Dad, what happened?"

"Come on, my son! Arriving here I explain to you."

"Dad, you're scaring me!"

"Come on, Travis!"

When my father calls me by the second name, it is because it is very serious.

"I'm going!"

I hung up the phone and got in the car, although the bookstore was close to the hospital, that night, Susan and I were going to see the opera La Traviata and then had dinner in an Italian restaurant. As soon as I parked the car and ran into the hospital, I was so used to those green and white corridors, with that impersonal smell, my heart was racing, my lips dry from running, breathing was difficult, my lungs lacked jumping from inside of my body they were so tight and sore, I went up the stairs two at a time, until I saw my parents, like in slow motion, I saw Charles leaving the operating room, he looked at my father, took off his mask and the medical cap and shook his head in a negative sign.

My dad put his hands on his head in despair, saw Charles turn his face and look at me down the hall, Dad finally saw me and what I saw in his teary blue eyes was emptiness, I didn't need anything else to understand what had happened to my flower of life, I felt my heart tighten and my stomach go to the ground.

Everything around me stopped in time! It felt like I had entered a bubble, I shook my head, the tears I was holding were not ashamed to let them roll, my legs became heavy enough to bend making me fall to my knees on the floor and let out a scream of pain, like a severely injured animal, I looked at the ceiling and collapsed in the most painful cry that anyone could give.

My world fell!

When I remember that, I can still feel the pain with the same intensity as that day, twenty years ago. After she died, Dad decided to retire, he and Grandpa left the Hospital Network and family business in my hands, they knew that if I didn't dive headlong into work, I would die, little did they know that I was dying little by little, day by day, I have been dragging myself through these twenty years.

David, my psychologist said that I should put on paper everything I felt, in a diary, in the form of a manuscript, of verses, poems ... however I wanted so that the pain I felt could be gradually eased.

"Ryan, the pain will always exist, you lost your wife in less than a year of marriage. It is very impactful, made even worse by the death of her sister, which was a few weeks before Susan's death."

"Nothing will ease this pain, David!"

"I know, my friend! But it will help you to express that pain than to keep it within yourself. It will not be the whiskey that will help you with the pain, on the contrary, you know well what happens to those who drink too much!"

"Who told you?"

"No one! Your sloppy way and the stench of alcohol have been with you since Susan's death. And how is her family?"

"A mess!" I said without looking at him, I was more interested in the couple with a baby in the stroller, walking down the sidewalk.

"Think about what I told you and live. Susan would want that."

"You don't know what she would want, David!"

"Are you sure?"

I turned around and saw him with a glass picture frame with my wedding photo, David, Susan, me and Scarlet, his wife, they were our groomsmen couple on the happiest day of our lives.

"I don't have the courage to donate her things, David!" I said with pain in my soul and let the tears come, I realized that he let me cry, he was sitting next to me, waited for me to calm down, gave me his handkerchief and gave me a bottle of water from his fridge.

"Nor would I, Ryan. It is something to do when you are feeling well."

"What if I never feel good again?"

"No evil lasts forever, my friend. The pain will still exist, it needs to hurt to be able to heal, it's like a scar, you know the reason, you will remember the pain, but you won't feel it anymore."

"If it were so easy ..."

"It is not! But live it one day at a time, when you are in the mood, write! Why don't you write letters to her?"

"For what? She will never read!"

"It won't, but at least you will be able to connect with your memories, you will be able to talk about your pain, when we talk about what we feel, little by little, we will heal. Try, Ryan, if not for you, but for her. Susan deserves it, just as you deserve every chance in the world to be happy again."

"My happiness, reason for living, died with her."

"No! Her happiness and motivation to live are still within you, what you must do is move on, do it for both of you, she would want it and wants you to do it."

"You do not know!"

"I know, Ryan, and how I know! True love leaves the other free, annuls itself by the loved one."

"I'll think about what I said. I have to go; I've already taken your time too much!"

"My friend, you know where to find me!"

"Please send the bill to me at the hospital."

"I would never charge you, Ryan, if it weren't for you and your father, I would never have graduated or had my clients."

"I didn't ask, David, this is your job, just send it, please. I will not ask again!"

"Even with the pain of grief, you remain a mannerless."

"Just so you don't lose the habit!" I gave a half smile. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend."

"I understand, my friend! Don't worry!"

"Thanks!"

"No need to thank. I'll see you in four weeks, let's see your progress."

"Ok!"

"Dear, Susan!

I do not even know why I'm writing this letter, you will never read it, but David thinks I better write so I can talk about the pain that your absence makes me. You can't imagine how much I miss you! I so wish I could hear your voice one last time. I still hear the reporting of the answering machine when I miss it so much that I can't breathe properly.

I miss us! Otherwise, things are moving, with each passing day, the more I have given myself to work, to the management of the Hospital Network and business. After Megan and you died, Dad decided to retire and left me in charge of everything. It was more than expected that he would do that, since I was going to the meetings, besides taking care of Murphy and having surgery here and there.

I will not take your time anymore, my love! I just wanted you to know how much I miss you.

Ryan."

"Dear Susan,

Today it is been a year since you died. I have written little because I need a day over twenty-four hours, forty-eight would be little.

Honey, I need to hear your voice! Talk to me please! I'm desperate to hear your voice, the answering machine reporting got lost after all the thousands of times I heard it..."

I could not finish the letter, remembered her fragile body on that marble stone hurt me so much! I took a deep breath; I was feeling like a lost sailor on a starless night in the middle of the Arctic Glacial Ocean.

"Dear Susan,

After almost twenty years of his die, I wanted to tell you that I finally finished reading The Little Prince, and understood the quote that always said "the essential is invisible to the eyes".

I remembered her laugh and how listening to it made me happy! In fact, just because you existed already made me happy. You should now be dancing The Nutcracker making Tchaikovsky very proud!

Forgive me, I left your garden ... I was no longer able ... forgive me, my flower of life!

Honey, I need to hear your crystalline laugh, make plans for the future, dream about our children ... You are so quiet! Please, dear ... please, my flower of life, speak to me! I need you so much, I need to hear you so much! Please, my love, I beg you! At least tell me how you are..."

That day had started that way, I was looking at the movement of the system and I saw a consultation and return that was launched without the costs, who did the service was Mark, I went down to his office and saw Sophia supporting a girl that she, red hair straight and long, my heart skipped, is it possible? I saw Mark watching me, I frowned.

"Come on, we need to talk." I said.

"What, cousin?" He asked me worried as we entered his doctor's office.

"Are we doing charity now?"

"How is it?"

"Since when did Sophia bring her friends here?"

"It's the first time, Ryan! What is up?"

"And who authorized it?"

"Me!"

"With whose permission, Mark?"

"With mine, damn it!"

"Since when?"

"Since she came here to ask for help to a friend who could have broken her foot so badly that no surgery would help her recover her movements, hell! She's a professional ballerina, you know?" He said getting out of control, it made my heart jump. "You know I don't question your decisions, even if I don't agree, but I want to ask you a question, just one!" He said looking deeply into my eyes.

"Ask."

"Since when did you get so petty, Ryan? Since when does it go override your Oath? If you remember him, don't you? I always knew how deeply your loss hurt you, but I did not know that it had made you so dark, mediocre and petty to question a few monies! If the problem is money, you can deduct it from my payment!"

"I just wanted to be warned!' I said leaving him speechless. Of course, I was not going to question it, I do volunteer work without others knowing it, after all, what the right hand does to the left doesn't need to know. But in this case, I needed to be warned, they are my subordinates and I need to manage the hospital, I need to know the expenses, whether paid by patients or paid by the hospital. Money is no problem, but not knowing where the money goes is a big problem! I left Mark's doctor's office with the redhead's medical report in my hands. There was no picture, just the name, Lilian O'Neill, twenty years old, professional ballerina, fourth year of Medicine.

That day had already started badly, Dad came to see how things were going at the hospital and at the Saint Mary Hospital Network, he retired but did not stop running business from a distance, he knew he did it with the family law firms as well, dr. Tristan Johnson Scott, being the eldest son, when he retires for good, the family business will be my responsibility! I still feel responsible for two deaths, first of my beloved Susan and then of my sister Megan. I don't even like to remember these things; my days are already too dark for me to remember that.

I kept the medical report and sat in my chair, looked out the window and saw Dad with Sophia and the redhead, they were talking happily, which was, I don't know, I couldn't hear it even if I wanted to, they had their backs to me , I saw them go to the car and leave. I could not see the girl's face, I was curious!

Of course, Ireland is the land of redheads, but my family is not redheaded, my Susan was a beautiful redheaded Irish girl, curly hair, eyes as blue as the ocean, freckled, I liked to call her rusty. She was a beautiful ballerina, her long hair drew attention wherever she went, even among us Irish, she drew attention. But fate played with us and took her from me, until today I can't understand it and I don't even know if I want to, the more I think, the more the pain suffocates me and kills me little by little.

What made me curious about my niece's friend was seeing her straight red hair, the same shade of red as Susan's, I cannot explain how it is! Look, you women see more colors than we men, thanks to the X chromosome, you have four different cones, this in theory, you can distinguish the color spectra better than we do, so give me a discount, okay, if I can't explain the colors right, can it be? Thanks! This upset me so much that I decided to run hospital network from a distance that day. I didn't stop thinking about the redhead all day. Who was she? I couldn't see your face, I just knew your name, date of birth and a few other things. She was born on the same day, month and year that my wife died, coincidence, don't you think? I don't believe in coincidences!

What's so special about that girl? I had heard of her, Mom, Dad, Richard and the brat always talked about her and what should I met her, for what? Mom said she was a lot like Susan, a redhead with blue eyes, why meet her? If she really is the face of my Susan, then I will remember everything and suffer again and that is out of the question, I don't even like to remember her death, let alone find someone like that. Goodness forbids! Or as Sophy says "Goodness me free".

I went to the beach house, it was more than two in the morning when I arrived, the day dawned, and I still hadn't slept.

"Good morning, Master Ryan!"

"Good morning, Jordan!"

"Another sleepless night?"

"As always!"

"Go rest, Master! Leave everything to me."

"Thank you, my old friend!"

"No need to thank."

I went up to my room, I loved that house, I had happy and wonderful moments with my Susan, my rusty one. I decided to go to another room, an older one and locked, only Jordan and I had the key to that room. I opened it carefully, went in, saw Susan's painting looking at me, watching me in silence with her half smile, I said it was Monalisa's smile, that mysterious smile, which isn't even smiling, but it is. Our pictures spread inside the white frames that she liked so much, pictures of our wedding, of her ballet performance ... Wonderful moments! How it hurt me!

"Why did you die, Susan?" I asked looking at the portrait that smiled at me. She held a beautiful bouquet of sunflowers beside her face, her red hair was down, and you could see the white satin bow on her head. "Why are you gone, my love?" How it hurt, my heart was small and tight, the anguish was growing inside me, my desire was to be able to join it, but I would never attempt against my life, no matter how huge the pain, had no dimension, that's not what my Susan wanted, she wanted me to live!

It is not easy for me to be here! That house breathes Susan, the garden that she loved so much was careless, full of weeds, I missed that garden. So, I locked the door with all her memories inside and went towards him, so when I got to the kitchen, I heard a crystalline, delicious laugh, it sounded like my Susan's, I ran to the garden, who would be invading mine home? Who would dare so much? Was it Susan? My heart skipped a beat.

The closer I got, the more the laughter got louder, started shy, but now it was more open, as if I had lost my fear, when I left, I almost fell back ... There was no one there!

"But how?" I wondered confused.

"Master? ..." Jordan called me from the kitchen door, finding my attitude strange.

"Yes, Jordan."

"It's all right?"

"Yes!" I said without turning around.

"I thought it was strange to see you running from the kitchen to out here."

"I was just with ...." What was I going to say? Did I hear a laugh? He was going to call me crazy! "I miss the garden." It was the best lame answer I could give.

"I understand! We also miss her, we all do."

"Is it that visible?"

"Yes! More than visible. There are many years of mourning, Master, we understand your pain."

"Thank you, Jordan! Go ahead, I'm fine!"

"Yes."

I spent the day in that garden, he was the way she left him, I didn't move anything, he was abandoned, as well as my heart, my things, our things ... I just didn't abandon the Medicine, the hospital network and the family business because otherwise I would go crazy and Dad would kill me if I took the family to ruin! My profession was what still kept me going, it was what gave me the strength to keep going, even though part of me was buried with my dear Susan.

"Dear Susan,

Twenty years after your departure and I am still in this mourning, I am still using our alliance, always faithful to you. It has been so long since I heard anything from you, please speak up, your voice has not reached my ears.

I finished reading Luís de Camões, Jane Austin, Mary Shelley ... After reading Jane's books I don't understand what you saw in me, I got tired of seeing her sigh for Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy and I don't even get to his feet!

I have some sad news to give you, our dogs, Fitzwilliam and Lizzy, if they are gone, have endured their departure for all these seventeen years, I believe you will find them again. Remember when I gave them to you as a gift, they were two two-month-old puppies that ate all my slippers and shoes, I was never able to get mad at them. I always knew how much I loved them, and they loved her, they loved us.

Are you still playing chessboard, dear? I hope so, because our board remains the same, three more moves and, finally, you would beat me!

Why did you die, my love? Why did you have to leave me? Why, Susan? Please talk a little bit, I need to know how you are ... Angels must be amazed at your perfect tip, or even with your way of walking, because you float, I bet you are teaching them ballet with the sweetness of your voice. They are privileged to have you among them while I am here, dying to hear you, to see you rehearse, to laugh ...

Honey, please talk to me!"

One day, I was on the balcony of my room overlooking the garden, so I heard a movement, it must be Jordan and the employees, the phone had rang early and I didn't answer it, insisted so much until it stopped ringing.

I left in the morning, but I came back soon, I don't think even my faithful butler heard me arrive. Then, looking at the garden, I saw a red hair appear, my heart raced, but with anger. Who was? How did she get into my house? I ran over there looking crazy, then I saw her talking very softly to the flowers that were badly cared for, when she bent down, as if looking for something, I went to her full of anger, I pulled her with everything, making her scared, but the more scared I was.

She is beautiful! He looks like a frightened rabbit with those huge blue eyes wide. What is it, Ryan? Since when do you like little girls that invading other people's homes? Her eyes caught my eye, I know those scared rabbit eyes!

"What are you doing here, girl? Who are you?" I asked being ruder than I really wanted to be, it made her cringe and start shaking, but she faced me with pride.

"Lilian, where are you? I didn't find my uncle and ... oh my!" I heard my niece. "Lilian, I told you not to leave the kitchen!" Sophia said approaching us. "Hi, Uncle Ryan!" She told me blandly.

"Hi, Sophy! Who is that girl?" I asked still looking at the scared rabbit.

"She is my friend. Sorry, uncle, Lilian can't see a garden that gets lost in it." She said embarrassingly trying to ease the situation.

"This place is forbidden for visitors and the curious, young lady!"

"I ... I ... I'm sorry." She finally managed to speak, lowered her eyes, bit her lip and lowered her head. "W-could you let me go, please?"

I opened my hands, but I think it was very rude, as I gave the girl a little push, scaring her even more.

"What are you doing here, Sophia? You know you can't come, let alone bring unwanted visitors!"

"Sorry, uncle. I called, but you did not answer. I insisted and talked to Jordan."

"You know I wouldn't answer! What you want?"

"I was wondering if I could borrow some medical books."

"For what?"

"Is that Lilian studies with me since the first grade and we go to college together, she is studying medicine and wants to deepen in the forensic area and ..."

"Go away, now!" I said suddenly, the scared look of that girl was tormenting me. I am a rational and non-sentimental man, I can quickly process information and make mathematical calculations with impressive speed, so I was able to win the chess games, but for feelings, I am a loser! I could only demonstrate to Susan because she understood me from looking.

"But, uncle ..."

"Go away, now! I won't repeat it, Sophia." The rabbit eyes were making me nervous; I did not know how to process or how to proceed.

"Come, Sophy! I'm sorry for breaking into your home, Mr. Scott!" She said raising her nose and leaving with all the pride that remained.

"Sophia!" I said quietly.

"What, uncle?"

"Where's the list of books?"

"Here it is!" She said giving me a sheet with ridiculous sunflower designs, in a little hope, giving me a smile.

"Go away!" I growled.

Sophia bowed her head in disappointment when I crumpled the paper, her smile faded instantly. That young woman puzzled and irritated me! Who was she to enter my house and garden? I am going to talk to Jordan! Unfortunately, Sophia was just as bold and inconsequential as Megan, like mother like daughter!

I waited for them to leave, took the crumpled paper, undid the ball and folded it, went back into the house, went back to the balcony of my room, threw the paper on the nightstand, poured myself a shot of whiskey and sat comfortably in my armchair on the balcony and went back to the letter I was writing, I tried several times during that day, until I saw the sun start to set.

When you are too sad you like to watch the sunset, I wish I had seen it forty-three times as well as The Little Prince to see if I could at least, for one day, ease the pain of my loss!

"You didn't have to expel the girls like that, Master Ryan!" I heard a voice behind me.

"And you should take care of your life, Jordan. After you were old you were abused."

"And you are unbearable!"

"It's simple, just resign!"

"I won't do that, I promised Mrs. Scott who would take care of you."

"Promises to the dead are tantamount to throwing words into a sandstorm!"

"It doesn't matter, Master Ryan. I just want to know something?"

"What?"

"How long will this mourning last? Mrs. Scott wouldn't like to see him like this."

I stood up in a fury that I did not even understand, with the empty whiskey glass in hand, pointing a finger at Jordan's chest, said:

"Don't talk about her!" I clenched my jaw because of the pain that invaded me. "Don't talk about what she would like or not, because she is died! She took her life and mine to that damn coffin twenty years ago, Jordan!" My eyes started to water.

"I'm sorry, Master Ryan, we all care about you, after all ..."

"Worry about yourselves, because my will to live was buried with Susan twenty years ago!"

I was pissed off! To this day, I do not understand what happened! The only thing I understand is something called work, after all these years, I went to look for her medical report one day, the most interesting thing is that it is gone! I cannot find it anywhere.