Forgotten Memories

I couldn't sleep. I kept staring at the picture hoping I'd remember something, anything. But I can't recall anything from it. It's like a missing piece in my puzzled mind. I know where I can get my answers. I need to ask Aiden about that picture and everything that he knows that I might have forgotten. I have so many unanswered questions and it's giving me a headache.

After two hours of trying to sleep, I finally gave up. I grabbed my beanie and coat and walked to the lake. It's almost 9pm and there were still some people singing by their bonfires and sharing stories with their group. The lake seems so calm and peaceful that I almost envy it.

I sat by the dock and rested my chin on my folded knees. Closing my eyes, I can hear the faint current of the calm waters. I imagined what it's like to be free from this guilt.

I remembered we used to argue about silly things a lot back then. I smiled at the memory as I played it in my mind.

~~

"I told you Luke! It's not a raccoon it's a Coati!" I smiled triumphantly as the man on the radio explained about how people often get confused about the two.

"Whatever Leue, but I'm telling you it really looked like a raccoon, even smelled like a raccoon, therefore I conclude that it is a raccoon." Argh. He's such an idiot. I threw him the pack of chips and it poured on his face. We both laughed the most that night. Just the two of us watching the night sky from my house's rooftop and worrying about nothing.

"I'd like to be a star someday." I looked at him with a sly smile. "Oh really? I didn't know you were into fame and showbiz." I teased him and laughed hard at his confused face.

"Yeah, yeah. You can laugh about it. But seriously, one day when I'm gone to a better place, I'd like to be one of those stars up there." he pointed to the sky. I looked up and saw the starry sky filled with twinkling stars. I smiled at his genuine thought and sighed. "Yeah, me too." I leaned back and layed beside him.

~~

Back then I wouldn't have thought that he was actually not well. If only I knew. I found out about his depression a year later that when I saw the cuts on his wrist.

~~

"It's nothing Leue, just forget about it, I'm fine." He said. "What do you mean nothing? It's obviously something! Where did you get those from?" I insisted.

"Look, Leue. I don't want this to be a big deal, okay? I got into an accident with my bike, the brakes didn't work and I fell. Is that a good enough answer to you?" he snapped. I was taken aback by his sudden irritation.

~~

That was the first and the last time Luke raised his voice to me. I didn't talk to him the whole day after that and he was the one who talked to me first. He told me, he was not okay, that his parents were getting divorced and he was going to be away on summer to spend some time with his sick grandma. As a kid, I didn't know what that meant so I asked my mom about it during a family dinner.

~~

"Mom what does it mean when you hurt yourself?" I asked her.

She could've answered me a vague answer but mom never liked to beat around the bush.

"It means you have a problem, honey." I didn't get what she said. "What kind of problem?" I asked again.

"Honey, sometimes when people can't take the pain they're suffering, they can't control their thoughts and actions. That's why they hurt themselves instead, because they don't want to hurt someone else." I never really understood what she meant until now.

~~

"Leue? Is that you?" My trip down memory lane was cut off and I quickly looked up. "Oh Aiden, hi." I said as he sat next to me.

"It's so peaceful here. Can't sleep too?" I looked at him questioningly.

"It's that obvious huh?" I sighed and he chuckled. Ask him about the picture, Leue! But how? How should I say it?

'Uhm, hey Aiden do you remember that night where we took a picture and we used to be so close to each other, right? Do you remember that? Haha 'cause I don't.'

No, scratch that. I really wanna know but my awkwardness is too awkward for me to start a conversation. I heard him clear his throat.

"So, uh, how are you adapting the environment lately?" he asked, licking his lips as he ran his fingers through his hair. He's as nervous as I am. I'm glad to know that it's not just me who doesn't know how to start a conversation.

"I'm adapting pretty well actually. I've made some friends y'know." I looked at him teasingly and he faked gasped. We both laughed.

"Just so you know, some people here actually just went for the snacks so don't worry about being yourself. We're here to have a better view, right? We might as well enjoy this while it lasts. Let's just forget about our pasts for a while if it helps." he absentmindedly said as he hummed a tune.

I took a deep breath, he's right. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right." I wasn't going to ask him about the picture. Not yet.

A couple of minutes passed, I finally yawned and we decided to go back to our tents. "Thanks Aiden, for walking me to my tent. Take care on your way to yours." I smiled and went inside.

Before I could go inside he grabbed my hand. "You're sure you won't ask me any questions?" I turned and gave him a small smile. "For now, not yet. Let's just sleep this night away." he nodded and smiled back.

"Good night, Leue." he started to walk away. "Good night, Aiden." I whispered in the dark.

I closed the tent and snuggled inside my sleeping bag. My eyes drifted off to sleep and I heard someone snore beside me but I was too sleepy to get up. I just hope it's not a bear or anything feral.

This has been quite a long day.