No Bother

"No bother," as what most everyone would say whenever I talk to them about my innuendos, and sentiments about myself, my family, and some other shit. I feel that it is indeed a bother to some as we all experience our own defeats, wars, and regrets in our living lives. It is hard to find someone to talk really about your problems as you do not want to add the burden they are experiencing as well.

So for a few days, I did not talk to anyone; not asking for that second opinion about my plan to resign, and I kept posting some "depressing" or over-acting tweets on Twitter about how my life is going. If I manage to write some poems, I do it as well. Before, I think I was actually good at writing those so-called poems back in college, and I think it was because it was the start of blossoming darkness inside, and all I could do at that time aside from keeping on going in college and finish some of my units, I write some pieces of shits that I could never bother to finish at all.

I do not know now if I could manage to finish this one as well, as I am always lost in my thoughts, and I find myself keep on floating in the dark night, and all I could see is the light from the moon, and I do not know if I could reach it.

Maybe though, it is just the anxiety talking. Maybe that I could be destined for greatness. Maybe I was just imagining things, that COVID had never happened, my parents are annulled, and I am not sick in the mind.

"You do not have to tell everyone what you're going through, Michael, because not everyone will understand," my psychologists tell me so, my mom tells me so, my psychiatrists tell me so, and I knew that as well. I kept in mind that advice.

"It's alright, and no bother, Michael. I understand what you're going through," TL Adrian said to me at the Skype Messenger when I told him the reason I maybe keep on failing with my work statistics. "Have you been drinking your medications?"

"Yes, I always am." I typed back to him.

"Good thing that you're doing that because they said that it's already maintenance for people who has that. I knew a friend of mine close to me, and she has the same situation, so I truly understand."

I wonder sometimes if I tell anyone about what's going to me, they do really understand and being sympathetic or just being sympathetic and is unable to understand at all? They give the nods, and sometimes with a touch on the shoulder as the sign of clarity (or pity?) of what I'm going through. Of course, my supervisor is unable to give me one since we're all work from home, and he's the first supervisor I said about this, to which reason I cannot remind myself of why I told him that. But it felt like I have to explain myself to everyone I encounter in my life.

It's no bother, really. They say that when I say sorry for telling that to them, and sometimes I lie to myself every night if I can keep on going if I feel lost every time? I am really glad that I have my vape with me to smoke all the blues, to have my body consumed with nicotine that is already addicted.

Sometimes though, I feel unlucky that I cannot smoke a real cigarette to lessen the pain at least. But let me just remind you that I am not a drug addict. Never was, even though one time, my family accused me of being one back in college, and when I was thinking of that, it feels funny to remember those days, but at the same time, there is this guilt of all the wrong this I've done. Maybe because of living in the past, I cannot move on, and maybe because of this, I am sick in the mind and is always lost.

"It's no bother." My mom said to me once when I failed at looking for a job back in mid-2017 and was asking her for an allowance for transportation and food on the road. She never once complained about my ways and my decision for not taking the field I supposed to since I was a graduate for Hotel and Restaurant shit, but most of the time, I wonder if she did complain once and was bother at me at all.

It's no bother was a word I keep hearing of and was a thing in the past that keeps on bothering me all the time even though I am in a different position right now. The past is a bother to me because it brings back the pain, and it's my fault.

-

One time though I did ask for that second opinion if I should resign, and I think that I reached out to the right person.

"I do not want you to resign because I see a lot of potential from you. All you need to focus on what you're doing and be optimistic about everything you do, will you? Because I believe in you." TL Adrian said to me through the Skype Messenger while I was on lunch (how lucky you can be as an employee to take breaks and lunch while still working from home). Even though I doubted the words he said, it lifted me my moral as a person for a bit. It is indeed more powerful when you get some words of wisdom or even criticism from other people than yourself.

Maybe I can really do this. Maybe I can really endure those motherfucking cunts who all can do is to insult our service through chat (just for a record, not all are assholes, some of them are really understanding). Maybe I could really be meant for greatness like what my mom says to us all three children of hers. All I have to do is to have a stronger spirit, and maybe try to summon a divine intervention instead of all the negative thoughts every night in the dark of my room with that ugly ass wall I'm seeing.

-

It is the end of the month of May or early June when one of our colleagues at work resigned because he is unable to handle the pressure and stress of the workloads we are getting in Live Chat.

When I see something bad about the government, people hurting people, people hurting animals, people in pain when their love ones died due to this COVID shit, I turn off my phone for a while, lay down on my bed, and try not to be triggered by the negative thoughts because before whenever I see catastrophe on social media, it triggers me a lot, and sometimes cry at night about how the world is unfair. It goes back again, and again. All those pains and sorrows are just too much to handle, and the worst thing is that you do not have anyone to bother them with all the words you want to say.

Instead, when I heard the news, what I did is announced an early break, to which I was allowed, laid down on my bed, took my vape, took a hit, and watch all the smoking blues to fade against the air.

At that time, I did not allow myself to be bothered with anything at all, no matter what people say. I need to focus on my own battles, and for now, I do not give a fuck about what's happening around, outside, or even inside of the house I am stuck in for a while. Even though you say that I am the worst person to feel nothing, and unsympathetic about the other people who suffer.

I may kill for a feeling of nothingness even though I was starting to feel it right now.