Deep Breaths

''It is almost night. We should head back.'' I look over to Diana and the rest of my group but Will shakes his head slightly.

''We promised to find him, Carmen.'' The boy glares at me while Diana puts one hand on my shoulder, showing me a weak smile.

''Carmen is right. Let's go home.'' Diana suddenly agrees with me and Will huffs, rising his eyebrows like he is questioning her.

''Home? You call this home?'' He walks closer to her but Ethan holds him back on his arm, apparently trying to calm Will.

''We have no other choice.'' I look to the ground while biting my lip nervously.

I know what I say probably isn't right or appreciated at all, but do we have the time to decide? We already lost one person, so why do we risk even more? Oh my god, this thought is like -so- sadistic.

Jeez I can't even be real with myself. This is certainly not how I usually act so I should stop it right at this point.

''Whatever.'' Will huffs repeatedly while taking Ethan's hand and walking past me and Diana, hurrying fastly to their place.

''I feel so stupid.'' I sigh and let myself sit down on an overturned log while glaring at my fingers as a distraction from reality.

''Hey, you're not. You are just trying to make everything for everyone the right way.'' Diana sits down next to me, putting one of her hands onto my shoulder.

Only this touch already spreads a warm feeling on the place where her hand is at. Like a heat pad or something.

It's indescribable.

''I don't feel like it. This is such a mess.'' I bury my face in my hands and shake my head a little, feeling all the suppressed emotions coming up.

''That's right, but not your fault. It wasn't you who brought us here, was it?'' I glance up slightly and look at Diana who is smiling warmly.

Her brown, wavy hairs which frame her face and give her hazel eyes a pretty shining.

Diana's smile gives hope, it seems like she doesn't even care where you are coming from and only about if you are having a nice personality.

Your past doesn't identify you, this is not how it works.

Everyone is powerful in their own way even though we almost always forget about that detail.

What if we actually give this life a greater chance than before and maybe we all can find our road to happiness again.

We could be teenagers again.

We could breathe the fresh air on the lake while bathing our feet in the water and hearing the birds chirping.

We could scent the different smells of the forest, the leaf and even dirt

We could start to believe that we are a union.

°°°

''Will-! Please calm down!'' I follow my boyfriend who is angrily walking back the path we came from with his hands clenched into fists. ''Please!'' I stop walking and look after him, a sad look on my face when he only stops because of an abyss which is in front of him and forces Will to turn around to me.

''So you think it's okay to not care?'' Will glares at me and I focus on the ground in front of me, not able to hold eye contact.

''No, but you aren't helping with running away.'' I mutter and another huff is audible.

''I? Only I? Thanks. Now I understand.''

I lift my head and look at him, feeling my hands shaking slitghly from the confrontation I am not prepared for at all.

''I didn't mean it like that.'' I step closer but Will isn't moving at all. Only a determined grimace is recognizable on his face. ''Really.''

''Whatever.'' He lets out pressed and stares at a point behind me like I don't even exist here.

''It's not just whatever, Will!'' I try to grab after his hand but he flinches back, focusing on me again.

''Why are you here?'' He asks coldly and I feel my heart sink.

I could be hurt in any way by another and still bounce right back, but he can do far worse with just a few small words. He doesn't mean them, I know it. In a way, that makes it worse.

The image of Will's face is the reason that I smile through the day. I would yearn to dive into his eyes.

This sounds ridiculous but I mean it. I really do.

''Because I love you!'' I look at him helplessly but he just smirks weakly in a kind of painful way.

''Whatever.'' He repeats himself as he turns around and walks around the abyss back to our place.

I wish I could follow him, make everything right again and just have his true smile to me and not the cold, painful one he showed off a few seconds ago.

Maybe the others were right, this isn't a place of hope. But who said hope is a place? Hope and happiness can be a person.

I mean, I always thought happiness was just a word. Now I know it is a person. My person.

Now this person is running away from me.

Good job, Ethan.

Without any ideas, I start to step aside and look around for an inspiration of where to go or what to do for clearing my mind.

My thoughts wander to the small lake in the forest where we get our water from.

Technically, I could grab my drawing stuff and sit down there for sketching the environment.

But they are in the house. So that's visibly not an option.

While beginning to walk towards the forest, my mind doesn't seem to stop switching back to Will and what just happened.

This is how I am build. Overthinking every action and its consequences.

My mind tells me everything is my fault and only I could have changed what happened.

Internally, I know that is incorrect but I have no control over my thoughts anymore.

The me I want to be is complicated and unknown. I hide it like a dirty little secret in the corner of my mind.

The me that I am cowers behind her broken interior, terrified to look at himself in the mirror and scared of being not enough or being forgotten.

This is not who I want to be. It has been never my goal to be weak.

So I drown in my own thoughts with every goddamn day which passes by a bit more.

I lie down to weep for the pain of tomorrow and keep everything inside myself because people could recognize that I am different. Weird.

The me I want be is not afraid to stand up for himself or others.

Who I want to be is at the same time unclear and also obvious.

That me wouldn't be afraid to look himself in the eye or would even smile into the mirror when he sees his reflection.

I want to show others that I can fight and love myself, but how should that ever work?

The place we live in is, and has always been, messed up in its own way.

Even when everyone was still alive and having a 'normal' routine, they weren't nice or supportive.

Society made me who I am.

An emotional wrack which is almost completely sunk.

Anxieties chase me everyday and it gets harder to keep my head up with every second.

Wow, I could almost call myself an actor when I think about how much I pretend without that anyone notices.

Not even the people who should know me best see my inner side.

Will it ever get better?

Is this an opportunity for a change or just a tricky illusion?

What would it cost in case I tell someone how I feel.

Would they accept me?

Maybe I am not as alone as I think.

I am the one who pushes nearly everyone away.

The past doesn't define me. So how about looking forward?

Is that now an option?

Pain and harm will carry on happening, that is how life works I think.

God, even heartbreaks and lies will keep happening because all of this bullshit is a part of being alive.

Dying is easy, living is harder.

There was a long time where I wanted to die more than anything else.

Where I was alone and unwanted.

Where no one cared if I would have just disappeared.

This is one example of my painfuk memories.

Now it is different.

I don't desperately crave after death any longer.

I want to try living.

Not throwing away my chances and moments could actually help me to be better.

I could stop pushing people away.

I could stop hurting people.

Maybe, I can even manage it to love myself some day.

We don't know what the future has planned for us, but we can hold our hopes, imaginations, fantasies, ideas and our memories close to our chests.

Life fucked me up.

Now it is my turn.