Letters to the Stars #1

Zeke Orion,

I write when I'm in pain.

I am Ashia Elio, I'm the eldest. I have two siblings, one boy, Apollo, and one girl, Sunny.

I am 16 years old, and an incoming grade 11 student. I am already in senior highschool but I am still confused on what course to take, but I have two choices in mind—it's either I pursue med school or law school.

I am really loud. I speak what's on my mind, but I try to filter my words. They say that I have a good sense of humor. My friends always laugh at my jokes and funny comments. Aside from having a good sense of humor, I am also a leader. During my  junior highschool years, I was shaped to be a leader. I  rather give orders, than follow orders. I am also responsible, optimistic and I value respect than anything else.

I am really bossy and I am not kind, well sometimes. If I'm extremely pissed, I radiate that energy towards other people, which is a toxic trait, something I should work on. As I've said, I'm not kind, if I saw something wrong I point it out, I don't care if it'll hurt you.

While my brother Apollo is my complete opposite. Apollo is an incoming grade 9. He's the kindest among us. I admire him for his patience and kindness. He's usually quiet and is contented playing video games.

He asks a lot of questions, he's a curious boy. He even notice small details and has a very sharp memory. He can remember what happened along time ago and tell it in a very detailed way.

He rarely smile or laugh, so it's heartwarming every time I see him smile or laugh.

As for our youngest sister, Sunny she's in first year highschool. She's obsessed with a Korean boyband, which I'm not familiar at all.

She's combination of me and Apollo. She stands for what she believes and fight for it. She's often labelled as the 'unkind child' but despite her bitchy attitude, I saw something other people can't—that is her soft heart.

Something all of us have in common is we are easily hurt with words but we don't show it. We have our own ways to hide our pain.

We grew up with our mom, our dad is overseas. She works as a teacher. Due to stress at work, she pours it on us. Most of the time she'll shout at us for petty reasons and our small mistakes—this is where our pain, anger and trauma started.

We grew up enduring our mother's painful words and curses.

"Wala kayong utang na loob."

"Wala kayong kwenta."

"Pagod na pagod na ako sa inyo."

"Maghanap kayo ng iba niyong nanay."

"Walang tatanggap sa inyo."

Those are justa few words. We try to fight back, but we'll be labeled as 'bastos' and 'walang modo.'

Whenever we do a small mistake, she'll shout and curse and tell us that we are 'walang kwenta.' This is where we started to fear making mistakes, even the smallest one. I have this idea that I should not make a single mistake because it will disappoint the people around me.

Her words was also the reason whyI lose my confidence. I can remember every single line she used to insult me.

'Ang taba-taba mo'

'Ang bobo mo'

'Walang magkakagusto sayo'

'Ang takaw mo para kang baboy'

She uses my physical appearance to embarrass me in front of other people. So I grew up thinking that I don't deserve to be loved and accepted. I thought that being fat is unacceptable.

I remember myself trying to lose weight by not eating and exhausting myself thru exercise. I tried everything to lose weight, but I can't.

I tried to understand my mother. Don't get me wrong, I love her and I am thankful for her. She's the best. She's doing everything for us. It's just that her mouth is really spitting shit.

I kept all the pain inside me. No one knew my suffering. Most of the time, I'll silently cry inside the bathroom and lock myself in there. It saw my tears and pain.

So Zeke Orion, please understand who I am. I am not about light and happiness, I just try to be. I hope that you'll accept me, because I am awfully flawed because of my foul-mouthed mother.

Love, Ashia Elio.

Saturday, July 25 , 2020