Hey

Hello guys. It's been awhile hasnt it. Any way its fall break. So that means 1 quarter of school down, 3 to go.

Its been awhile since we last talked so let me fill you in.

     Last time I posted I was dating a dude named Andrew and things didnt work out with him. He kinda did things I didnt like and it wasnt the healthiest relationship so it had to end. Even after the break up he wasnt healthy for me and it kinda sucks. He use to be my best friend now hes just a stranger. But it's fine. Just another person walking outta my life.

    Anyway I have a boyfriend and hes my best friend. He makes me laugh and smile. When hes not at school it's boring without him and when I'm sitting on the bus waiting for him and I see him he just makes me smile. We dated in the past and  didnt work out but we were still friends after that. We even joked about it and still do joke about it. He brightens up my world. He is awesome.

     I'm in counseling/therapy with the school. It's been going good. I won't be able to talk to her the next 2 weeks because of break but I'll survive hopefully.

      There has been lots of things stressing me out and eating away at me and I'm gonna tell you guys. Some of this I may have already told you and i just dont remember telling you because it's been so long so sorry if I repeat stuff.

     My dad left and got a new girlfriend. He is on a trip in new Mexico with her right now. Me and my dadnever had a close relationship. My brothers talk to him about anything and everything but it just awkward between me and him. I've always wanted a close father daughter bond with him but that not gonna happen. It breaks my heart but it's ok. I was told that when my dad found out I wasnt straight he got mad. He thinks "I'm just another liberal thinking its cool to be gay" It hurts me but I dont think he notices..or cares.

     My mom has been kinda sad since he left. Shes kinda gotten better over time but not really. When he first left she would drink more often then usual. Buy a new bottle of Turkey almost everyday. Then the drinking slowed dont for a little. I still have to hold her as she cries sometimes and she still wonders why she isn't good enough but its understandable after her losing my dad after 24 years.

     Another thing about my mom, she has been smoking since she was my age,17, and she has Barrett's esophagus. She had some cancer cells in her esophagus but it spread to her stomach. The doctor recommended her quick drinking and smoking but she tried and then dad left so It didnt really work out. The doctor said that because she has been smoking for so long and the esophagus thing it's not a matter of if she will get cancer but a matter of when she gets the cancer. My mom is like my best friend and the thought of losing her crushes me. She is the person who keeps me strong and without her I dont know how I'll be able to carry on.

     I'm in pre-cal in school and math isnt my best subject and yes I have a good grade right now but I've been stressing over it all. I took Accuplacer for math and failed the first try while with my reading and English I passed the first time. Just math makes me feel so stupid and it sucks.

    At night I tend to sit alone in my room, which is in the basement, and just think which mostly isnt good. But the past couple days at night I've just been consumed by that feeling of emptiness. I mean there was this one night that was good. Me and my boyfriend sat on the phone till midnight. He had some story's I had written in middle school and he was reading them and we were just kinda laughing together. Just sitting there talking to him made me feel so happy.  In the middle of talking his mom cut his phone off because he was suppose to have been in bed. But when that happened he just called me back on facebook. Like I said he brightens up my day.

    Anyway the other days when we didnt talk ive just been feeling empty.

     Lately I've been thinking about binding my chest alot more. I've tried some DIY chest binders but they dont work for girls with bigger chest. I dont exactly want to ask my mom for her credit card to buy a chest binder and her get all like "what's that" and blah blah. So just hoodies and oversized shirts it is.

     I have my hair dyed a rainbow and I finally got my septum pierced which I love. But I've been getting hate on my piercings. Someone said I look like a boy and my piercings dont change a thing but I dont understand why me looking like a boy is an insult. At first I was a little shocked because they said thats the only reason they dont like I mean I have lots of reason for people to hate me but me looking like a boy is the one reason you could think of and that just irritated me. I mean I'm androgynous so looking more masculine isnt an insult for me I mean I kinda prefer being more masculine than feminine anyway.

    I'm a junior and for school I got to two diffrent schools. In the morning part of the day I got to a school called Prosser and the afternoon part I go to my school New Albany. In Prosser there is this competition thing called Skills USA and I was really looking forward to it but i need $25 for it and my family kinda has financial problems so I couldn't do it and that sucks.

    Then today I was suppose to go to this school ceremony with my boyfriend but I didn't make it and that sucked because I really wanted to hang out with him.

     Anyway that's all that I can think of at the moment to tell you guys about. Sorry for being gone for so long and I'll try to write more.