Understanding Me

So im not really the affection type of person qhennis comes to relationships. I mean i always wanted to be that kinda person but atuff like that always caise me anxiety and for the longest time i didnt know why but finally im starting to understand why i could be like that and it feels really good to finally validate those feelings i had and still have.

In relationships obviously the people ive dated have wanted to cuddle, hold hands, hug and in my mind ive wanted to too but my body qould have a different reaction. My heart would start racing, id feel like i couldn't catch my breath, i would feel shaky and clamy. Ive never know why ive reacted that why. Sophomore year of high school i had this really nice boyfriend and i explained to him how holding hands and hugging and that kinda stiff caise me anxiety and he told me he understood and that if i dont want to i dont have to and that was very sweet. Well one day i finally held his hands and that was the first time i ever held hands with a person i was dating. Holding hands with a friend no problem but holding hands with someone im in a relationship qith was a whole different story then.

Ive always felt lame and stupid for feeling like holding hands with someone was a big deal but i finally kinda understood why i feel this way. As ive mentioned i was sexualy assaulted for years when i was younger and i eventually grew blocked put all those memories. Qhile my brain blocked it out andbthought inlt was okay its like my body knew i still had a lot of healing i needed to do and was still scared of being like that with someone. Im not stupid or lame for feeling the way i was feeling i was just healing and not realizing it.