Memories

Closing my eyes I tried to push away the memories that were reappearing on my mind like gravity.

"A million dollars I would give to whoever could delete this stupid disk inside my head. Always the same recurring nightmare. Fuck I can't even sleep." I told myself without opening my eyes, at this point I was determined to ignore the doctor's presence and try to recollect some good memories left. Eli. Holding my breath I tried to remember her scarlet hair and green piercing eyes, as the air from the open window; that the doctor had decided to keep, caressed my face bringing me a sense of forgiveness, my mind fell blank, and only for her I wanted to breath again.

"We have to talk about this Mathias.." His raspy voice lowered to a soft tone. "I understand it's traumatic but it's the only way out. I'm sure you'll have at least one reason for wanting to live. Someone, something; the point is if you don't get help now, you'll succumb in your own nightmare. Let me help you Mathias."

"There was only one person who could apparently help me, but she's gone with my brother."

"Who is this person?"

I shrugged. "Doc, if you really wanted to know, you wouldn't be able to help."

"It's my job to help you."

"Fine." I scoffed angrily, this man was getting on my nerves.

"As a child my mother tortured me in many ways," I took a deep breath and tried to stay as composed as I could. "She'd let insects eat my brain. Centipedes specifically, though once she brought in a rat inside of my stomach, do you want to see? Look." I lifted my shirt up and revealed a giant scar on the side of my stomach, the skin that hadn't healed was still swollen and raw. "Now you see my arms, well this snake I tattooed it because for a week it was the only companion I had, and let me tell you if it wasn't for this pretty creature I'd be crazy by now." I continued while arranging my shirt back in place. "The scars on my arms are gladly there to remind myself of the multiple times I could have died. You see my mother, as a wonderful designer she was, dared to cut and stitch my skin afterwards, for fun of course. Now finally the scar on my face, that was because one day while my mother tried to sharpen my fangs," I smirked showing my pointy fangs. "I refused to continue being her guinea pig and moved my face, accidentally cutting my face with said sander used to sharpen things. My bad on that one." I laughed.

"Now of course there was domestic abuse, the torturing insults of my mother that still haunt me to my sleep, and yet doc you ask me if I want to live?" I paused to gather some saliva. "Do you think all those people I killed and tortured would let me live? Do you think, after insanely carving my name all over my mother's body until she bled out, I'd deserve to live? After letting my mother torutre my sister and my 2 brothers? Worst of all after turning my family into the worst ilk you'd want to see? Help me now doctor, tell me. Tell me that I am forgiven and that I can forget all of this, tell me that Eli will still love me after all. Because after the last time I saw her, she utterly despised me."

The doctor, speechless from my words, sat there trying to find any words to console me. Though as I tried to calm down, I found myself hyperventilating, and trying to push away the most painful memory of them all.

Flashback 5 years

"Did you do it?" She was biting her lip and leaning against the school's wall uncomfortably.

"Did I do what?" I stood there, trying to gain any consideration from her.

"Did you kill your mother, Mathias." She looked down, paused, and then focused her gaze on me with pity. "Was it you?"

"Stop looking at me like that, with pity in your glassy eyes.." I looked down and tried to reach for her hands but she hid them in her pockets. Terrified, I gasped for air. "You said.. You said you'd fall for someone like me. Now all I am to you is a tragedy right?"

She stood silently, trying to offer me all her pity with her eyes.

"Stop it, stop fucking looking at me like that." Panic filled my lungs and heat travelled through my blood as I became more and more furious. Do you hear me? I will break you with my bloodstained teeth." I walked closer to her and stared deeply into her eyes. Her green fearful eyes brought me back to my senses.

"I'm sorry, princess I-"

"Get out of my life you mental prick. I can't believe you'd take one comment so seriously. I don't want to see your face ever again. We'd date in your little fantasy but you're only a selfish boy who would end up killing me and all your friends. You deserve nothing." Her small figure then moved away from the wall and started to walk away. Before she could take another step, I reached for her hand and held it tight.

"How can you say that if everything I did, I did it for you.." My voice was soft and sad.

Without a response, she jerked away and walked away. I started as she slowly faded into the fog that quickly covered the city as it started to rain.

-

"That's tough." Dr. Peterson's voice brought me out of my memories and back into the present.

Standing up from the plastic chair, I walked quietly to the door. "I can't be helped, doc. Just give up." My words echoed through his office as I opened the door and he was only left with the sound of the closing door.