HONGJOONG

Drugs. It's all i want and it's all i think about at all hours of the day. I can't have it now, i know it's bad for me but it makes me need it more and more until i never want to see them ever again. I hate what it does to me but at the same time it makes everything perfect. There all i have and i can't go to anything, i have nothing and no one to distract me.

I don't know anyone in my family and i have no friends. In school i was strange and no one liked me, but maybe that's what i wanted. I didn't want to talk to anyone i was fine on my own and i still am. It's not like i need anyone either, i'm a loner this is who i'm supposed to be. Every day i go to my stash on my closet and take a whiff of whatever i find. Sometimes i'm too stoned to even remember where i got it, and i don't really care. I keep it in my closet because that way no one would find them, i had them all to myself. Maybe i was selfish.

I don't like socializing because i have to much going to pay attention to my surroundings. I like blood, and i like death. I thought it was a phase but it continued, and kept going until i felt the urge to grab that knife on the table and stab my classmate. I guess the drugs keep those thoughts away and that's why i love them so much. I never went anywhere when i was out of school. I had a job and i kept on the down low so no one knew to much about me, i was paranoid. I don't like anyone, they have no use to me and i could kill them without a thought about it and i wouldn't feel a thing. My emotions are all over the place and i can't control them. One day i'm fine and i want to talk to people and then the next second i remember that they mean nothing to me and there no use.

I want to find out what it's like to actually kill, something, someone, anything. There was no use to anything to me other than my thoughts and the drugs that keep me feeling sane, but am i really.

One day i was on my way to work and like the normal day i didn't want to go but the meth i inhaled in my body was helping a bit. Everyday i walk by a cemetery and it makes me sad knowing that i could finally be one of the dead bodies under ground. This day was eventful, a day that actually made me feel something other than the crystals coursing though my body. It was a full grown man crying at one of the graves, i was about to laugh because of the humiliation he was facing in that moment. Something stopped me from doing so as he turned his head to me. He looked lost and he didn't care that i was watching him cry so ugly. It looked like he was asking for help as he feel hard on the ground below him. I stood there for some time contemplating what i was feeling deep down. I don't know how to describe it, was it humor, sadness, madness, sympathy, or crying. I was crying, it wasn't a lot but this never happened and hopefully he didn't see the single tear that had broke free of my eye.

I knew i had to do something and i didn't think much of it so i let my body walk over to where he was. My hand made it's way to him and surprisingly he didn't flinch at all, it's like his whole world was gone and he couldn't care less if i was here to beat him to death or not. I wasn't gonna do that though, one because were in public and i wouldn't get away with it. And two, i felt in my heart that i cared, i cared for this stranger bawling his eyes out at a stone. I told him nothing mattered and this was useless. This was the first time I've talked to someone because i wanted to in...years.

We talked and talked once he was finished with his session with the sadness. I told him about why i thought it didn't matter and i went on to tell him my whole life. I didn't mean to but it felt right, i needed to. He told me about himself just like i did with him, why did he trust me so much when we just met. Is this what being nice is, is this what I've been missing my entire life. I never believed in talking about you feelings and troubles but i think i understand what my past friends were telling me. I wanted to keep talking to my new friend, or so i assumed to be my friend. We agreed to meet up the next day for some lunch and a talk.

I think i liked to talk since me and my friend talked so often now. It was fulfilling and i learned to love it. I didn't use my closet for a while other than getting clothes and i think that's a good thing. The only time i ever acknowledged them was that time he came over and he wondered where they were since i talked about them so much. I showed him and he said he wondered what would happen if we took some right now. We did and ended up making an insane plan together. We had similar thoughts about similar things, and i guess that's why we got along. I taught him that nothing mattered and he taught me there were other feelings and that i couldn't just hold it in. That time i told him about me i mentioned how drugs help me stop thinking about my thoughts. He said i shouldn't hold back and i should do what i desire.

So we did and we did it together, many crazy,insane ideas that we put in the form of action. We got away from reality for the whole time we knew each other. The we thought if we could do this to have job and make some money in this world. It wouldn't be complete without more, more people, a company we would be complete. I would find people with my friend that taught me how to be good but to be the baddest worst I've ever been. He taught me to let go and put my thoughts into something evil. He taught me that i don't need these powders and rocks that overtake me and turn me into an emotionless robot. I would start something powerful and great with my friend Seonghwa.