Opinions

I tossed and turned and I can't get to sleep. I looked at the clock and realized it's too late to call Michelle or Therese. I got up and went to my mom's room. I need to talk this out of my system.

I found her door slightly ajar, she was in bed reading. "Mom, can I lie down with you? I can't sleep."

"Sure honey, come on in." She said as she put her book aside and took off her glasses. She laid them down on her side table.

"Something wrong?" She asked.

"No, not really." I let out a sigh.

"Let it out." She's used to me doing this. She knows that I usually have something to talk to her about when I go to her room and tell her I can't sleep.

"That was really sweet of Raiden tonight. He's beginning to grow on me." She said opening up the conversation when I didn't say anything. I think she knows what this is about.

"Yeah, he is a pretty cool guy." I wonder if I should tell her what happened today. I think somehow, she already senses that something's amiss. I tell her everything anyway, so i just decided to spill it. Leaving out the kissing part, of course. "The thing is, I'm pretty mad at Mark but he's still confusing me. I don't know why he'd suddenly jump into the picture again when the past few weeks, he's been acting like he couldn't care less about me."

"You know that he cares about you right? I could tell when you guys were still hanging out all the time. His mom even thought you two were dating because he talks about you a lot at home too. But things don't always happen as planned. Sometimes things turn out very different from what you expect. Aren't you happy with Raiden? If you've told him that you love him, it must mean something to you too."

"I know, but that's the thing. I know I told him that I love him too and I feel like I do, but there's always that doubt nagging me at the back of my mind. I feel like somehow, my heart has this particular space for Raiden and it just won't give Raiden that space." I feel exasperated.

"That might really be confusing. Are you sure you should be with Raiden right now if you're having doubts about him? Don't you think that's a bit unfair?"

"I know it's unfair, that's why it's eating me alive but I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to lose him too. I feel like I've lost Mark already and there's nothing I can do about it."

"So you're settling for Raiden?" She asked and that phrase bothered me. Am I really just settling for Raiden?

"No! Of course not? Why would I be settling? He is so much better than Mark in a lot of ways." I don't know who I'm trying to convince, my mom or myself. I know I'm being selfish, but aren't we all selfish at least at one point in our lives?

"Like I said before, you're the only one who can make that decision for yourself. Though as your mom, I don't want you to get hurt nor hurt someone in the process. I know that you like Raiden but I have also seen you with Mark. You need to weigh your feelings for each one and make a decision based on that. It's going to be hard not to take what they are giving you into account but that's the only way you will make that decision. It's not just about you Cas, they have feelings too. I think it's unfair for Raiden to be strung along if you're just keeping him to make you feel good but it's also not fair for you to keep waiting for Mark to profess his love for you because we both know he might not feel the same way for you." Whatever decision you make, there will be some losses and some consequences. Just make sure that you can deal with them as they arise. You know I will always support you with whatever decision you make but I will also be your voice of reason."

"I'm not stringing Raiden along. I like him and I love spending time with him but you're right that it's not fair for him if I'm having these doubts because I'm waiting for Mark." Maybe my mom's right, no use waiting for a train to arrive if there's no train on schedule. I should just forget about Mark and keep whatever we had in the past. If I can forget about Jeremy that easily, I can do it with him as well.

"Can I sleep here?" I asked my mom.

"Of course you can." She said as she turned off the lights and settled beside me. I just want to feel reassured that she's there for me.

The next day, Raiden was the picture of the perfect boyfriend. He even asked me to go to his practice and other commitmentsnbut I don't want to be that girlfriend. I told him I'll be okay with Michelle. He didn't sound convinced until Michelle herself assured him I was in good hands. That afternoon, he had basketball practice so Michelle and I decided to go to the mall.

We were having some snacks at the food court and she pressed me for details on what happened last night and of course I told her in detail. She was ecstatic!

When I got to the kissing part, she was hanging on to my every word, "So?" She pressed for more details.

"So what? How did it feel like? Was there electricity,? Magic? Did your leg go up involuntarily?"

"Hahaha, there was magic and electricity but my leg did not go up. Is that bad?" I asked faking concern. Mitch is a hopeless romantic and I think she's read too many romance novels and watched too many rom-coms.

"No, not really. I've always had my doubts on that part." She said as she popped a fry in her mouth.

When I brought up my dilemma with Mark, she looked confused. "Wait, what? Am I hearing it right? You think you like Mark too and there's a possibility that you want to be with him instead of Raiden?"

"Shhh, keep your voice down!" I shushed her not wanting someone from our school to hear our conversation. I don't see anyone but you can never be too secure.

"Seriously Cassie, what are you smoking? I mean Mark is cute and all but I will never give up Raiden for him. If he is into me, that is."

"Come on, Michelle, I'm serious."

"I am too! Besides, Mark's with Heather remember? I don't remember you telling me that he's into you. I thought you were just friends? You are just getting me all confused with this drama!"

"I guess you're right. No need to worry about something that's not for me."

"Of course I'm right!" She said proudly and we both laughed. "Look Cassie, I'm your friend and I'll be honest with you. Don't go looking for trouble when there's none and don't try to fix something that's not broken. One, Raiden's into you and Mark is not, at least not that we know of; and two, you are already in a relationship with Raiden but if you're not happy then get your butt out of there; and three, sometimes what you want is not really what you need."

"Wow, you seem to be channeling your inner Yoda today Mitch." I joked.

"I always do, my friend. You just need to listen." She had her sassy face on and it made me laugh again.

"One thing though, you need to be careful about your decisions, Cas. Sometimes, it's too late to be sorry."

"I know, thanks for looking out for me and bringing me back to reality."

We left the matter at that and started planning for halloween. She's seeing this guy Patrick and she wanted to know if I want to go trick or treating with them, sort of a double date. I told her I need to ask Raiden first.

Everyone seems to be telling me the same thing. Don't bother about Mark because he's not even into me. Why do I have to make things more complicated than it actually is?