I know it's too early to say this but, goodbye

To the love I chose not to keep,

Sorry if I thought I didn't deserve someone like you or maybe, it was just my self-pity taking over. I wasn't even sure if I am worth it of the tenderness you're giving my stone-cold heart—to you I am a masterpiece when all I see in me are soaked pillows and locked doors. You made me feel alive amidst all the existential catastrophe I'm facing.

Because of you, I almost believed that asymptotes can have their happy endings, that it is possible to find heartbeats in the soul of someone you just barely met. You found beauty in my brokenness and appreciated my messed up pieces. But you were just too perfectly fitted for me, too good to be true that I can't make myself be greedy enough to claim you.

Maybe, I have been used to loneliness for so long that having somebody who'll stay by my side terrified me. I have known sadness in all of its phases like how I have memorized the different faces of the moon—to the point I already forgot how happiness looks like. I was afraid to make you my sunshine when you're also fated to be my sunset. You'll take away the solitude I had found in myself; the vacant seat beside me, the sad songs that became my lullabies and the painless reality of having no one.

I wasn't ready to let you be the cup of coffee in the mornings I'm too exhausted to wake up. Because the moment you break through my frigid barriers, I'll always long for your warmth even if the time comes that you became the reason why storms wouldn't pass. You'll own a place inside me that no one will be able to fill except you and someday, I would end up tucking away those empty mugs you left on the deepest chambers of my heart.

I apologize for all those fucked up excuses I said when the truth is, I was just a coward to risk my heart again. Because even though I was scared to hurt somebody, I am more horrified of the possibility of a pain you have the capability to bring to me.