Guilt Ridden

Yukio went over to his brother's apartment later in the evening when five of his calls went unanswered.

They had arranged for a second key a long time ago, but it was pointless because Yuliang had used the second lock and locked it from the inside.

It was weird, Yuliang usually never used the second lock.

Annoyed, Yukio tried calling him again, tapping the leather sole of his shoe on the carpeted ground impatiently.

It took another two calls till it was finally picked up.

There was a groggy grunt from the other end, indicating that his brother had just woken up from a deep sleep.

"Hey brother, it's me. We're meant to go out tonight, remember? Open up."

It was weird. The only times Yuliang slept in the afternoon was when he was sick-which only happened every once in a blue moon, or… when something had emotionally overwhelmed him.

Now at 17, years after the most difficult parts of their lives had passed, Yukio had come to understand the privilege of vulnerability he had been given growing up and how much Yuliang had sacrificed to ensure it.

Yukio might be the one who was quicker to cry between them, but that had the advantage of Yukio being very emotionally aware and mature, with healthy coping mechanisms in place to deal with them.

Yuliang did not.

Yuliang never cried.

He hadn't cried at their parents' funeral.

He hadn't cried when the bullies of the village had taken advantage of their tragedy to beat them without consequences.

He hadn't cried no matter how overwhelming things got with all the responsibilities he had suddenly inherited. Having to work for hours on end, having to manage their orchards, having to take care of the cooking and cleaning of the house, having to work at the clinic with their grandmother. He'd even had to do all those things while studying for the licencing exam.

When Yuliang opened the door, Yukio couldn't stop himself from throwing his arms around his twin and just sobbing onto his shoulder.

"Brother? What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" Yuliang asked, rubbing his back just like the way their father used to comfort them.

It just made Yukio cry harder.

Yuliang had messed up plenty of times over the years, unsurprisingly, with having to manage so much at such a young age, but he never once cried or gave up. Just renewed his determination to succeed and continued. All Yukio had done was mope around in his room and fought with him constantly when his brother had even asked him to do a single thing.

Sometimes Yukio even got into physical fights with Yuliang over it. Fights that Yuliang had put up with so that any accidental retaliation wouldn't hurt him.

For all Yuliang was a violent asshole, he was no abuser.

Yuliang didn't take joy from fighting.

To his brother, fighting was the venting of all the emotions that he suppressed and converted into fury.

No, Yuliang didn't cry.

He either got mad or when getting mad wasn't enough, he slept.

Sleep was a reset button for Yuliang.

Once he woke up, whatever had been bothering him was an afterthought that no longer bothered him.

"Seriously, brother, what's wrong? Did your... boyfriend," Yuliang spat out the word as if it burnt him, "do something? Because if he did-"

Yukio immediately pulled away to assure his brother of the opposite, "No! Zander didn't do anything. I just had a long day and missed you," he said.

If Yuliang thought Zander had done something, he would kill him.

Plain and simple.

Yuliang never forgave a slight against Yukio, no matter how minor.

A fresh wave of tears dripped down his face and Yuliang gave him a confused look.

"Are you sure? You don't look very convincing right now."

Yukio pulled out an embroidered handkerchief from his jacket pocket and dabbed at his eyes and wiped his dripping nose. "Zander's a sweetheart, brother. He'd never hurt me. Things just got a bit overwhelming for me."

"You're such a fucking crybaby. How are you going to survive without me here for the rest of the year?" Yuliang groused, gently grabbed Yukio by the back of his neck and brought his face to the base of his jaw where his scent gland was located.

His brother's citrusy smell was potent there, even with Yuliang's religious use of scent blockers. Yukio sighed and felt the stress and tension leave his body, but the guilt and sadness Yukio felt at that moment were too strong to be pushed aside so easily.

Even now, when Yuliang was obviously the one who had a difficult day, his brother comforted him.

He was truly useless.

He couldn't imagine how his younger self could have looked his exhausted brother in his eyes after a day of lazing around in his room or after a boring day at school-school-school that Yuliang dropped out of to have more time to work- and thought that it was just how things should be.

Every paycheque Yukio got from his escort work came with heavy guilt and the memory of a ten year old Yuliang working a thousand times harder, for just a small fraction of it, to save up money for the future they were living right now.

Yukio was ashamed to admit that if Yuliang hadn't snapped at him that day and ordered him to get a part-time job to support his expenses, Yukio would still be leeching off his brother's hard-earned money in blissful ignorance.

It had taken months of dealing with horrible humans like Feliks Belmont and his posse, Seth Rydel, and the other Elitist pricks of UMed to make Yukio let go of the petty resentment he held in his heart and realize how truly blessed he was to have Yuliang by his side.

For all their differences, Yuliang had never once let him down. Forever his protector and silent supporter. The only person who hadn't scoffed when he shared his dream of making beautiful clothes for a living, completely against the expectation of following the family tradition and becoming a Healer.

Yuliang just told him to shut the fuck up and study hard to make it a reality. Told him that nothing good in life came easy and that if he truly wanted something he had to fight for it.

The guilt of it all ate at Yukio, and usually kept him up for a long time at night, regardless of his exhaustion and followed him into his dreams in the form of nightmares.

Things were a bit better now since he had started to date Zander though.

He still had a hard time getting to sleep, but on days that Zander joined him in bed, Yukio could at least get sleep without being plagued by nightmares of his past mistakes and ignorance.

He sighed, shaking his head of all the negative and guilt-ridden thoughts in his head.

No point thinking about all this now.

He just had to work hard and become successful, to ensure that none of his brother's efforts were in vain. Then he could start repaying Yuliang for all the sacrifices he made for them.

"Do you want to stay here instead of going out?"

Yukio shook his head and let out a watery laugh, "I could do with a drink tonight I think."

Yuliang snorted, "Zander gonna stay sober tonight then?"

"Yeah. Zander doesn't drink alcohol either way."

"What the hell's the point of going to a bar then?"

Yukio laughed again, "Someone has to make sure we get back safe, brother. I know you already know Zander, but I just wanted to properly introduce him as my boyfriend tonight."

"You don't have to bring him with us tonight. It could be just the two of us," Yuliang grumbled half-heartedly.

Yukio only shook his head at his brother's childishness.

Truly, Yukio was so lucky to have Yuliang. Violent tendencies and all.