Forty

Slowly, my eyes started opening. I glanced at the unfamiliarly high ceiling that has slightly dimmed lights. When I got my vision adjusted, I rotated my head to figure out where I am.

As I examine the room along with unfamiliar things, I thought to myself that this is not my room.

I am still in my clothes and I'm lying in a bed that is not that comfy. I can hear someone talking from the other side of the wall where I am currently looking at. The door then opened and I saw Alexander entering the room.

He immediately rushed into me and sat down on a chair that is beside the bed. Mom and Alexis came in next.

"Asher." Alexander greeted. "Hey, man, you good?" Alexander asked in a slight whisper. His voice was trembling and his hands were shaking.

"How are you feeling, son?" my mother asked, her voice trembles too.

"Numb." I shortly answered. "And not comfortable."

I answered them with the reach of my strength. I noticed that my throat was also not feeling well, a reason why my voice is raspy. The looks on their faces tell the atmosphere inside the room that something is not going well.

"What's happening?" I broke the silence.

"Can't you remember anything?" Alexander asked back. "Like, how you fainted?"

I thought about it for a second. "Yeah, I remember that. And the-" I couldn't finish my sentence as my right side delivered pain. I reached out to it and held it as I groaned in pain.

They all flinched as I grunted. I can see the pity in their eyes mixed with devastation. Minutes after, a doctor entered the room. From his looks, I immediately recognized him.

It was Doctor Alvaro, the same doctor that was assigned back then when I had my first check-up. "Hey, bud, good to see you again."

he greeted me with a firm smile.

"Good to see you too, Dr. Alvaro." I responded also with a smile.

"I wish I could say that the news that I am about to deliver is good too." he said and the smile on his face disappeared. The atmosphere became dark and gloomy as the doctor continued, "After checking your x-rays and running a few tests, it seems that your condition has gone pretty bad. It has grown into...cancer."

I couldn't process it all in my head, the doctor looked at me in the eyes with a hesitant look on his face. "And I'm afraid it is terminal."

Now it all made sense, about all the pain that I always feel, the loss of appetite, the problem with my memories and concentration.

It all made sense now.

I glanced at my mother, and with her crying and breaking down, I can't stand seeing her like that. My heart also shatters while seeing them dropping tears. If only I knew about this soon, I could still have lived a lot more years.

But with the news concerning all of us, we should not be mourning too soon, they should not be mourning too soon. I am still here, I'm still alive. With a little time I have left, I want to spend it freely.

I don't want to spend the rest of my time here in this boring hospital room, especially when Christmas is coming. I want to spend my last moments outside, happily, like there's nothing to worry about.

And I'm happy that's what we did.

I spent my Christmas in the house, with my father, my mother, my brothers, my family. It's like my wish has been granted after many holidays have passed.

Dad actually flew from another country to come and spend also the rest of his holiday here, with us. And I'm quite glad that he did it, despite all of the things that happened, he still cared for us.

What I am most thankful for this Christmas is giving and receiving gifts, drinking hot chocolate milk, wearing a family traditional sweater that is so lame, chilling in the fireplace, talking and sleeping next to my cousins, and being alive to be able to feel this moment.

Alexander and I were still up while the others were asleep on the floor of the living room. We always sleep in the living room whenever our cousins would come by. It's like a sleepover with friends but relatively.

"Like, have you seen his face earlier?" Alexander said while wheezing to death.

"Yeah, dude, it's like he ate a whole bucket of slugs. He looked like Ron that time." I replied, also wheezing like a kettle.

"It was hilarious, man." We were laughing for a minute until we both stopped and stared out of the window. We were sitting on the windowsill across each other.

At the corner of my eye, I can see Alexander turning his head to look at me. "I'm gonna miss this." he suddenly broke the silence. I turned to glance at him too. "This little talk or moment that we do some of the time."

My mouth automatically smiled after hearing those words. "Yeah, me too."Alexander then smiled too and we both looked at our cousins that are asleep.

Alexis suddenly woke up and saw us on the windowsill. He then joined us and sat on the floor, facing the both of us.

Then I spoke, "I'm just glad that my time hasn't come yet so I could still experience this...for the last time." I said and looked at Alexander and Alexis. They looked back at me and smiled. Then suddenly, I heard a sniff.

My head turned to both of them immediately and saw Alexander, he was the one who is sniffing, "Are you crying?" I teased him and chuckled. Alexis chuckled a bit too while scratching his eyes.

"Piss off, Asher." he responded, wiping his tear.

"Come on, man. Don't be crying now, at least, not now." I said.

"How can I not shred a tear, dude." he looked at me sternly. "Knowing that you don't have enough time left, how can I not think about that? I lost you, I was separated from you when I was four. After 12 years, I got you back. And now," he raised both of his arms. "Now, I'm gonna lose you again."

I can't find and process a word to say. I was there, silently listening to him. "God, Asher. How am I suppose to live without you?" he asked with his face and voice poured with pure sorrow.

"You already did." I finally responded. "Twelve years of knowing that I was separated from you, you were able to live and laugh like there's nothing to worry about."

"Yes, but that was a mistake."

"It is not a mistake, Alexander. You lived your life and there's nothing wrong about that. And I haven't regretted anything. I don't regret having you and Alexis as my brothers." I explained looking at both of them. The sadness in their eyes is still there but I know, with these little moments, they'd be able to gain their happiness. Step by step.

I called Alexis to stand up beside me then wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled Alexander close. I did the same thing to him.

"Just so the two of you know," I said. "I am and will always be your brother. Nothing and no one can change that. You are my brothers and I wouldn't ask for anything more."

There, the three of us enjoyed the moment. I'm glad to be here with them for one last time.