So Tenderly You Watch Me Burn

The following weeks were painful. James had gone out of his way to avoid Severus, and subconsciously Severus realised he was doing the same thing. The last thing he wanted was for them to go back to the way they were - at each others throats for, in hindsight, no good reason. When he remembered it, it just made him feel worse. At least James could bare to look at him for the first six years of school.

Now, the only time James would acknowledge him was when Lily dragged Severus along with her to the library. Remus was usually there with them, and he was good-natured enough to ignore the elephant in the room. It was particularly terrible whenever Mary decided that she wanted to join the quartet. She tended to glare Severus out of the group whenever she showed up, but he couldn't stand being around her so he always left without a fuss.

After James and Severus' painful confrontation in the Quidditch changing room, Severus sought Lily out immediately. She was upset to hear that his plan had backfired, and was so worked up that she was ready to go yell at James herself.

"No, Lily, don't," Severus said when she threatened to maim him with her bare hands. "I don't want you to get mixed up in all this. Besides, you don't need to fight my battles for me."

Severus made her promise to keep this between him and James, and she reluctantly obliged. She also reassured him that what he did was the right thing to do. Lily thought that it was only a matter of time before James would discover that he'd made a mistake.

James, however, was taking the separation harder than he expected to. He knew it was going to be hard - cutting Severus out of his life after hearing the truth of the situation from Mary - but Mary had insisted on it.

"If you love me, you'll stop talking to him for me," Mary demanded after James confronted her about Severus' letter. It was probably for the best, and Mary was so genuine when she cried in James' arms about how Severus was "hell-bent" on separating them.

Though with each passing day, James missed Severus a fraction more. At first he couldn't explain it. Sirius and Remus were still his closest friends - besides Severus of course - and Lily was by his side more this year than she had been for the past six years. He was surrounded by his friends, even Frank and Peter, who he saw less often nowadays. He was so busy with NEWT preparation and Quidditch that he shouldn't even have time to think about Severus.

But whenever he caught a glimpse of the Slytherin from across the classroom or Great Hall, he wouldn't leave James' mind for the next hour. It was confusing: Even though he wasn't speaking with Severus, he still occupied his every thought. It was spiralling out of hand, to the point where the last thought on James' mind before he went to sleep each night was of Severus and his pink lips.

James repressed his late night thoughts, writing it off as misplaced remorse. It wasn't right, he was with Mary, and she was good for him.

The truth became impossible to ignore on a lazy March morning when he woke up from a dream about Severus. Half hard. The dream featured the two of them spooning during the Christmas break. Severus' slender hips pushed back against James' in his sleep, James had been awake and locked the memory in the back of his mind for a different time. It had only decided to reappear now.

James shot up in his bed and peered around for his bunkmates, but it appeared that he'd overslept again and they left for breakfast without him. He sighed and flopped back down. It was time he admitted it.

He was gay. And he had more than friendly feelings towards Severus Snape.

Everything aligned. That strange jealousy he felt when he read Severus' letter and when Mary told him about what happened, he wasn't jealous of Severus. He was jealous of Mary. Painfully so.

There was virtually nothing he could do. James was with Mary now, he didn't feel right leaving her when she had been so good to him. It would break her heart. Besides, Severus had gone behind James' back, was that really the type of person he wanted to pursue?

Even when he listened to that little voice in the back of his head saying, "Severus didn't do it," he still came up blank. If that was the case, Severus certainly hated James now.

After their Charms lesson the next day, Lily Evans put an end to James' conundrum.

"James! Wait!" Lily called out after him. He halted and looked back over his shoulder. She ran after him, her red hair cascading behind her like a fiery waterfall. She quickly caught up to him and pulled him into a nearby alcove.

"What's the matter?" James asked. She looked thoroughly annoyed. James tried to recall anything he'd done in the past 24 hours to piss her off, but he came up blank.

"You can't tell Sev that I came to speak to you, but this has to stop," Lily demanded. James hadn't a clue what she was referring to. It must've shown on his face, because Lily huffed and continued.

"What are you trying to achieve? The poor boy is miserable without you," She snapped. It had been a long time since James saw Lily this angry, he did not miss it one bit.

"What am I trying to achieve? What does that even mean? He's the one who- wait," James inhaled sharply, "he's miserable? He doesn't loathe me?"

"Of course he is, what did you expect? You cut him off after he poured his heart out to you. He came to me for advice on how to tell you that Mary kissed him, that's how stressed he was," Lily vented. James felt like he'd been blindsided.

"Fuck…seriously?" James said, running a hand through his hand.

"Yes, but for whatever stupid reason he came up with, he stopped me from telling you," Lily confessed. She paused and eyed James warily.

"Were you completely convinced that Severus Snape would make a move on a girl like that? Especially your girlfriend? When have you ever known him to be like that?" Lily asked and her mouth curved into a smile. She made a valid point, James thought. Did that mean that Severus was…

"You're right," James let out an uneasy laugh. He sighed, he knew he needed to tell Lily what Mary had asked him to do.

"When I approached Mary about Severus' letter, she denied it and accused him of coming onto her. I was angry, of course, and I didn't know what to do. But Mary… Mary ordered me to immediately cut all ties with him. I didn't want to of course, but she broke down. She started saying all these twisted things about how I don't really love her if I wasn't willing to do this. So I caved," James explained.

"Oh, James, she manipulated you," Lily said under her breath. James ignored the way his stomach churned when he realised she was correct.

"I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do, and we haven't spoken since. Merlin, it all seems so melodramatic now," James chuckled.

"You think it's melodramatic? Imagine what it's like to watch you two idiots," Lily retorted. They laughed together, before a more sombre look crossed Lily's face. "What are you going to do?"

James sighed. He knew in his heart what was the right thing to do, but it wasn't going to be easy.

"I'm going to get the truth from Mary, once and for all. I want to know why she really did it," James stated.

"Good, best do it quickly then. I can't stand another minute of Sev moping around like a lost soul," Lily said. James surged forward and pulled Lily into a tight hug. He couldn't thank her enough for helping him decide what to do.

"Severus and I…I know we can make it through this," James spoke after they pulled apart, "I just hope that we can put all of this behind us. I love him, you know? I'm sick of him looking so resentful towards me."

Lily tilted her head and furrowed her brow at his words.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were speaking about your lover," Lily pried. James blanched, then went bright red.

"I- what do you- that's not-," James stammered, struggling to find the words to defend himself.

Lily's eyes widened and she gasped, "Wait, were you two ever…together…like that?" She didn't know if she wanted to know the answer.

"No! Of course not," James shot back, crossing his arms over his chest. James watched as something twinkled in Lily's green eyes and several different emotions crossed her face before she settled on one: smugness.

"I know you, James Potter, and I know that look you get when you want something desperately. I just never thought that the something you wanted would be Severus Snape," Lily teased. James tried to shush her and looked around to see if anyone had overheard. Thankfully, the hallway was deserted.

"No, I- fine. You're right," Lily grinned up at him, "but how did you know?" James asked, eyes trained on her dainty face.

"You looked so...passionate when you said you loved him, more than you ever are towards Sirius or Remus. Or anyone else for that matter," Lily said. The two chuckled together as James shrugged.

"I can't believe I've been struggling to describe what I'm feeling for months, and you knew just like that," James smiled.

"I've learnt to recognise the signs, especially with Sirius and Remus dancing around each other for the past year," Lily answered. James frowned, he'd completely forgotten about Sirius and Remus, and how they'd react if they knew the truth. James knew they would be fine with him being gay: It'd be incredibly hypocritical if they weren't. He just hoped that they wouldn't mind that Severus was the object of his desires.

"About Sirius and Remus, can you keep this between us?" James asked. Lily gave him a soft smile.

"Of course, you don't even need to ask."

***

Lily took her usual seat next to Severus in their afternoon Potions class. Slughorn's tired voice wafted through her ears, but for once she was too wrapped up in her own thoughts to pay attention.

She knew being with James was a long shot, but now that it was impossible she felt that it was easier to let go of her feelings towards him. She wanted James to be happy, and if he would be happy with Severus, then she supported him. She just hoped that Severus returned his feelings, but he was so hard to read. Lily thought they would make an interesting couple, she just hoped that Severus wouldn't push James away if he knew the truth.

"Lily, how is James?" Severus asked once Slughorn dismissed the class. He seemed almost embarrassed to be asking her about him.

"I know you miss him, Sev," Lily sighed, "He's working through some things at the moment." She tried to keep it vague, it wasn't exactly her place to say.

"Oh?" Severus prompted her to continue. She needed to steer him away from that subject quickly.

"But hey, guess what?" Severus looked at Lily expectantly. "I think I've gotten over my crush on James," she stated with a smile. Severus' face fell, that had really caught his attention.

"What? Why?" He asked, eyeing her with suspicion.

"No reason, really, it just felt right to move on," Lily answered.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Severus asked incredulously. Lily merely shrugged and left Severus' side to find Marlene.

Severus decided to retire early to the Slytherin common room before dinner. His mind was whirring through what Lily had told him, trying to decrypt any secret meaning to what she said. He came up blank.