Chapter 3.3

I showed him how the shower worked and I noticed scars popping out from under his ripped clothes, but I pretended not to see. I don't know what they did to him but having met the mad scientist in charge, I could imagine.

When he'd had a shower, and put on some clean, but still somewhat ill-fitting clothes, I let him use the bed in the back room. I pulled the door closed, but I think he was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, a second later Theo hissed, "Are you going to explain what the hell is going on?"

"Most of this is conjecture, but I think I can explain."

"What? Just spit it out."

"When I was in Garlantia there was a place I visited. I think they were experimenting on kids to get them to have a shadow. I think that where he came from."

"That's… messed up."

"I was meant to be like him. I don't know what my life would be like if… I wouldn't be the same person…" I don't know what I was really trying to say, I fumbled over my words, my mind was a mess. I didn't know how to feel. I think part of me felt guilty, but another part wanted to help him for a different reason. Maybe it was a kind of kinship. I wasn't sure. He might also have answers I wondered about all my life. What Shadow was, why he was attached to me, what Garlantia wanted the Shadows for.

"I know. We have to help him. And the other kids."

"We have to help ourselves first." I reminded her.

He slept through the rest of the day into the night, so I slept on the floor next to the bed. I didn't mind sleeping on the floor, it took years of Eliana's hard work to even get me to sleep in a bed, I wasn't going to mind now. I used a bundle of clothes as a pillow and some old blankets left in the bottom of the wardrobe for warmth.

I finally found someone like me. For one, it was proof that Shadow was real, and I wasn't mad. For another, there was someone who could understand, who might be able to give me answers. At the very least, he might be able to help me understand what happened the other day. My mind was racing, and I went to sleep reeling with the things we'd heard and the possibilities it posed.

My dreams quickly turned to nightmares. But like all dreams, they don't often make much sense. It began like my memory; I'm in the back of the truck with the men of Dark Moon Squad, I can't see their faces, but from the feeling in my gut, I knew who they were. My body is smaller, knotted up, and jigsawed to fit into the small space between their feet and the body of the boy. His sweat smudged on my legs as the trunk rumbled to a halt. He's still warm like he could be sleeping, but I know there's nothing left in that body. The doors open, and Rickon says something I don't understand, but I climb out, dragging the body with me. I'm not gracious about it; I tug, pull and struggle. It falls to the floor after me. Dust and grit clung to it, and I pull him over my shoulders, swaying as I became top-heavy, but steadying before I could fall.

Then I'm inside, underground. I feel confused because I'm afraid and I can't remember why. I realise it's not heavy anymore, and I don't have the body. I'm in a metal room. There are draws everywhere lining the walls, and white sheets covering metal slabs.

I didn't want to imagine what was under them. But something makes me pull back the nearest sheet, beneath it, is the body of the boy I killed- pale and sickly with shiny black eyes like beetles, staring into the ceiling. For some reason, it resembled Tommy.

I look up as if to inspect what he found so interesting, but all I can see is white, then I feel the sensation of the fabric against my face and the cool of the metal slab at my back. I couldn't move, then my body starts to burn, slightly at first, then any wound I ever got, was alive. I couldn't take it anymore, and just as I'm about to scream, the sheet is pulled back and there's a great big pair of icy eyes staring back at me in the darkness.

"I'm sorry! You were having a nightmare." I realise I'm back on the bedroom floor, tangled in old blankets in a cold sweat, with Tommy leaning over the side of the bed, his face only a few inches from mine. He regains his balance and sits upright.

"Thanks" I muttered, rubbing my arms as my scars burned like they hadn't in years.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. It just happens sometimes."

"If you weren't at the facility, what were you doing in Garlantia?"

"I was sold to the military."

"Oh. Do you remember your parents? I don't remember anything before the facility."

"No. I don't even know my real name, I lived in an orphanage before I was sold."

"How did you escape the military? I heard they were brutal."

"They are brutal. We were caught in a landmine on the border and I was found by a Reagen squad before I could die."

I wondered where Luke was right now. I wondered if he was alive. He was too kind to be a soldier, He was probably dead, I realised. My chest tightened at the thought, but I knew I had to start getting used to the idea that everyone I loved was probably dead. Even so, we owed it to them to survive.

"You're lucky." He commented without thinking, "Sorry, that's not what I meant-" he added quickly, stumbling over his words.

"It's okay, I know I was lucky. I could have died, or something worse than death."

"What was it like living in Reaga before all this? I feel like I know nothing about anything." He gave up on sleeping and was sitting crossed-legged on the bed, eagerly waiting for a response.

"It was nice. It was peaceful." I became wistful, thinking of all our childhood memories. Of Alex explaining the most mundane things, I didn't understand, with the passion of someone who loved life. Of Eliana with her strict but interesting lessons and Sean with the coded messages, we used to exchange about stupid things that didn't really need answers. Of Luke, when he came home for the holidays, and Alex and I would drag him into the garden to play until he had no energy left and collapsed on the lawn. When we went on school trips to the countryside in the summer and I learnt to swim in the lake, and when we were dragged to Theo's martial arts competitions all over the district because she had no one else to drag with her. Of last week, which seemed like a million years ago, when we mixed the chemicals wrong in science and almost blew up the lab.

"Even though I didn't have blood relatives, I had parents and a brother who taught me so many things. They made my life fun like I'd never known and helped me forget what happened in Garlantia a little bit… Or maybe not forget, but like maybe it didn't matter as much?"

"I wish I had someone like that… If Theo isn't your sister, is she your girlfriend?" He asked bluntly.

I couldn't contain myself, I burst out laughing. "No!" I gasped for breath, and tried to stifle my laugh, "Not at all." Where did he even learn about that? Did he even know what he was asking?

"oh, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to-" He sounded genuinely hurt.

"It's fine! Theo and I could never be like that."

"Why?" he asked curiously. I could imagine him tilting his head in confusion, like a dog.

"Do you know what you're asking?"

There was a moment of silence, "I think so."

He probably didn't. But I answered anyway, "Being friends with a girl doesn't mean you have romantic feelings for them."

"But you're a boy and she's a girl, and you're friends. Doesn't that make her your girlfriend?"

I tried not to laugh, but instead, I gave out a strange stifling noise.

"Are you okay?" He asked, with sincere concern.

I held my breath to try not to laugh, then did my best to answer, "Theo is not my sister, we don't have the same parents, biological or adopted, but the relationship between the three of us was a lot like siblings. I couldn't feel romantic feelings towards her, it would just be wrong."

"Why? I don't understand."

"The love you feel for family is different than what you feel for a girlfriend or boyfriend." I was not good at this. God help me.

"How come?"

Oh my god, was this what I was like? It must have been a nightmare! "Well… It's a different feeling… There's biological reactions, and erm…" Someone save me!

"Tommy, honey, you'll find out when you're older. Just don't go round calling random girls your girlfriend and you should be fine." Theo creaked open the bedroom door, combing her fingers through her hair, it looked like she'd just woken up.

"Theo! How long have you been listening?"

"For a while now." She grinned.

"You could have helped me out." I grumbled.

"Oh, I was just enjoying watching you struggle. I wish I could have recorded that train wreck."

I rolled my eyes, "How come you're up so early?"

"Thin walls."

"Sorry."

"It's fine." She yawned. "The sun's just about up, so might as well get up as well." The wardrobe was blocking most of the light out, I hadn't noticed the thin strip of light peeking through the gap.

I spotted the shadow dog was curled up at the foot of the bed, and I asked, "Doesn't Rex ever go back?"

"Go back? To where?"

"To his world?"

"I don't really know what you mean. Sometimes he disappears for a while, but he's not gone for long."

"Get lost you two, I need to shower." Theo interrupted, rummaging through the draws to find a towel, pushing my bundle aside.

"Come on let's get some breakfast." I used the last of the bread and the butter left behind by the tenant to make some toast. "It's the tinned stuff from here on out." I commented to no one in particular.

"Food is food." Tommy answered anyway.

"True." I agreed.