My Thoughts

Yet another day, I find myself laying in bed, thinking. Did mom really mean what she said? I kept wondering. What if he does? I'd liked him for the longest time. could this really happen? I should stop thinking, I bet mom was playing around, why should someone so perfect love me? I could sit forever and think of all the things that would keep Felix from loving me.

"Kat," His deepened voice yelled down the hall "Wake up!"

I let out an exhausted puff of air, and left my room. I approached our small kitchen to get some water, and then followed Felix's voice, to the living room. The pretty glow in his eyes, I could have stared at it forever, although I looked away quickly instead.

"Kat, Staring contest?" He asked.

I nodded in such a fast way, in which to see slight surprise on his face. He then stared into my eyes, while I stared back. I felt the heat raising to my cheeks, it got worse and worse. After a few minutes of this Felix decided to speak again. "You're blushing." I closed my eyes and looked away. "I-I'm not!!" I slightly stuttered, ending in a yell. He started giggling. Gosh I hate when he does this, it's just so perfect. I got up to go to my bedroom, while starting to cry.

I'll never have him, never. He's perfect and I'm nothing. "I'm just nothing." I whispered to myself, in which no one else could have possibly been in the room with me. I picked up my little razor again. I stared at it, with dark eyes, and tears. I slowly rested it on my skin, and then I carefully cut a few scars. I did this in punishment. I shouldn't love him, I'm not good enough.

While quietly moving to the bathroom, I rinsed my little cuts to make sure they wouldn't bleed to much, and that they wouldn't get infected.

I could feel a presence slowly approaching the door. Why the fuck didn't I close and lock that damn door? I thought to myself. I'm so stupid. "Kat..You made a promise you would stop." Tears were welling in his eyes. "You wouldn't understand the pain I go through every day." I walked out and closed the door. I walked silently to a convenience store on the corner, and bought a few bandages.

Bzzt Bzzt.

I'm not answering it.

When I got home I saw what I'd never expect to see, Felix, laying in my bed. MY bed, while softly sobbing, obviously trying to hide it. "I always mess up. I've hurt you again, why do you care about me!? Why!!!?" While lashing out, I'd started sobbing too. "I called you while you were gone, and you didn't answer! I was so scared!" He pulled me into a hug, sobbing on the top of my head. "Why do you care...?" I said, still sobbing a bit. "Because, Kat, I just do. I always will." I'm such a wreck.

A few hours later

Felix is still so upset. I don't get it, it's just a few scratches.

      I suddenly overheard Felix on the phone, talking to someone. "Hey, Yin!" He said, almost yelling In excitement. Maybe that's his girlfriend? He sounds really happy to talk to her. I bet she's really important to him.

I walked to my bedroom with silent footsteps. I grabbed my loud speaker, and started playing a few of my favorite songs. Overdose by Exo. Ever since I was young, I'd loved Kpop. Some people stereotyped me for it, and thought it was just because I'm full Korean. That's also I reason I didn't get bullied for it, though.

Oh, too much, it's you, your love, this is overdose. ( ~ Chanyeol )

In these moments I feel the lyrics are correct, but it hurts in an incredible way when Chanyeol says it. He's been my bias since the beginning.

Then my playlist chose my next shuffles song. If You Do by Got7.

Can't deepen my love for you

( ~ Youngjae )

I would get hurt if I did, oh, the things I would do for him. This is what I get for moving into an apartment with my bestfriend, my crush. It hurts, it truly does. I guess I'll have to deal with it.

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I'm so sorry for taking so long to update!! I've been caught up in school, and I've been trying to update, but it hasn't been working out. Thanks to everyone who has been reading, ily💗