ANOTHER ONE
it's not true " , he almost said to himself. " it's not " .
Bliss held her face , with love and fear.
" it's okay " she said while sobbing.
He could see how she is trying to help, because she thought he is not normal.
He held her hands :
" Bliss listen to me, it's crazy, just listen to yourself , what are you saying ?" he made her the one who needed help.
Nor was he able to admit the truth although he just remembered it all , he just saw it all, heard it all. Although it made perfect sense but it made him loose all his senses.
Nor was he ready to loose what he had left. He was no one, maybe a monster but no human. He didn't has himself anymore, he just had Bliss.
She was afraid of course, it was the strangest of fear, fear of both having him and loosing him.
" Saiph " she cried.
He held her face and wiped her tears. " please don't think like this "
She had to help him from things she herself couldn't recover from.
" please don't make it hard for me " she cried.
" what do I do then? "
She had no words, no explanations just time and tears.
" You don't believe this,please tell me you don't " he held down her hand that was covering her face .
She saw tears in his eyes and a forced painful smile that hurt her to see.
" Bliss, will you walk away? " he whispered and tears fell down his eyes.
She shook her head, because it was the question she herself didn't know the answer to.
" I'm sorry, I'm sorry " he held her.
" I won't do it " he began to give reasons to make her stay in fear of loosing her.
" I didn't know Bliss, I swear " he kept explaining, maybe he admitted to himself what he had done.
He accepted what he was after all.
" I never wanted this, trust me. I never wanted any of this. Bliss talk to me please , do you think I am lying? "
His tears, his condition, his words, all were tearing her apart.
" I'm not lying, not this time . Believe me I don't know anything " he was worried about her more then himself.
" now you know everything " she wept.
" babe, I didn't do anything on purpose. Yes I know, yes I did it, I did it.Just ...don't leave me "
" I'm afraid ", she finally said it.
He rested his head on her chest
" I'm more" he cried in her arms.
"look what I did, I hurt everyone Bliss, I hurt you " .
She held him tightly, just letting him say it all.
" I'll do whatever you say, just don't... Just.. Hey Bliss! "
He looked at her.
" yes? " she cleared his wet face.
" why don't you.... " he picked up the shirt she took off , put her head through the shirt
" why don't you just .."
Then he held out her hair from the shirt and lifted her from the waist and stood up.
" I just forgot. Like I did it and then I forgot, right? "
He was strangely normal, and it terrified her.
" right? I mean honestly, I just wrote some shit, and.....and I forgot. That's all "
The sudden change in him was horrifying.
She stepped back from him.
" what now? " he asked weirdly.
" I don't know who you are " Bliss said in terror.
" so that's good, right? "
" you are making me afraid " she said in horror.
" all I'm saying is that let's start over " he was normally.
" you are making the same mistake again . You can't write and erase your life "
" I would have left it blank, were life a book " he laughed.
" I don't believe it Saiph, what are you? " she felt unsafe.
" look at me. Do you think I know?, you know more then me "
" what are you saying? "
" I'm just saying... " he moved toward his bed, opened the side drawer.
" that this f** knife ....." he held the knife and moved toward her.
She moved away as he got close.
" come on, you are not afraid of me " he held her hand and put the knife in it.
" help me here, will you? " he said and held her face and kissed her forehead.
" what? " she said in her breath.
" I feel like I'm there, on loss of words. I can't find them, they won't contain the meaning " he smiled.
" what? " she whispered again.
" I can't explain Bliss, you understand right? "
" no. "
" neither do I, at this level " he poked her head .
" are you alright? " she asked.
" no. I'm in love " he smiled and kissed her, the warmest of all.
She knew she could never get enough of it , the taste of love on his lips, his warmth, his scent, his touch.
" I do want you, I really do but .. " he parted his lips from hers, it was the worst thing that used to happen, parting.
" you are everything, and I can't have you... "
He held her hand in which she was holding the knife and meaningfully looked in her eyes ." not at this level ".
**********
They asked her questions to which she didn't has answers to. But they needed answers so they asked, they searched, they talked.
She was like a scale of sea grass anchored to the bottom of ocean, intense vicious waves moved around her. Every wave would turn her in a new direction but she'd remain firmly stuck to one place.
They didn't find anything, they were eager about the unknown.
She found everything, but still uncertain about the known.
They only knew about the broken glass piece ornament in his room , the pieces were scattered on the floor when the searched his house.
They gave her what she needed, because she had what they needed to fill in their curiosity and give them a beautiful story.
They gave her the job, the interview, the public, the headlines. People and attention. Not that she lied by not giving them the information they wanted, she herself was in dilemma of the rational truth and irrational truth.
Her silence was the storm she carried , it was the fuel to fire to people's curiosity but it wasn't a lie.
They wondered how haunting it is that he was no more.
She thought how wild the feeling is, that he was her all.
Weeks later , along other postmails to Daily feed print media section , there was one that she carried home .
Having it read thousand times, she sat on her bed to read it again.
Her bed was a sacred place . It buried beneath it non abstract memories.
Blades, knives, bandages. His blood stained parchments, notes, letters. The pictures that he said were of most interest to him.
Phone, lighter, cigarettes .
She would read his words over and over, every night. That was all left.
When she used to lay down at night, his lifeless belongings would gain life . She felt him everywhere and saw him nowhere.
His scent was there but no warmth,
His presence was there but not existence.
She read the post mail.
" you told me lies, for those I fell
Break the curse or stay in spell
Ask me one word for both love and hate
You bet I'd tell, I know it well
You, your name, lies in that touch
But I love you just as much.
If you say the word love and not feel it in every part of your body, means you certainly aren't drenched in the feeling of happily being perished in the way of loosing yourself to love.
Love is a paradox. Not having it kills one from the inside , having it will only show you that you can't have enough of it.
You'll run toward to love to get it, and then you'll have to walk away, run away to keep it. "
Sometimes I don't want to admit, you are someone other then me.
A soul separate from mine
Your body is not same as mine
In that case I feel divided
Incomplete , missing a part of me
Felling a void in me
I want us to be one
She told him as they lay together, new year's fireworks shining at their faces. She remembered her words as she read the post.
"Some days when I am close to you.
When I am with you
When our skins touch
I feel the distances can't be any greater.
I feel how far we are
How individual we are
Let me run away.
- Damien "
There was only one lie she ever told him. Damien used to send emails, not letters or posts, but now there it was.
Right in her hand, his last words.