Billie's Body

I feel insecure in the shower as if Billie is taking pictures of me, too. I mess up and get shampoo in my eyes and slip a bit on the bar soap. But, I manage to steady myself.

I wrap a towel around me tight tight. No gaps. No spaces. There's fog on the bathroom mirror and I'm just shapes against the glass. I feel like shapes, vanishing into the night with the bonfire's smoke. Up. Up. Up. Vanishing into smoke.

I can't hide from the feeling of Billie's body against mine. Not beneath the blankets. Nowhere. So, I lay there, head hidden beneath my duvet, staring vacantly at a spot on my pillow.

I feel Billie around my finger, suckling me into her, twisting. I close my eyes, counting until the numbers are strange words that don't mean anything in English.

Dad sits by me until the night comes and we fall asleep together on my bed, not saying anything the way we always do.