Joan: Confused

Joan : 13 years

Days I spent with Liza were literally the best. School sounded fun. My brothers surgery was a success. He was healing quickly. Finally I was able to feel genuine happiness after a long time.

After the clash with Annie, I rarely spoke to her. Annie was living her life with her new friends in the first row while myself and Liza were rocking our school days in the last row all to ourselves. Soon my world got transformed into that of pop music, movies, books and laughs.

The "Annie incident" traumatized me. Somehow it made me loose trust in people. I wanted to get close to Liza but I couldn't. Everytime she tried to break my shell, I resisted. I never wanted to let her in. I was scared. What if she leaves me like Annie did.I don't want to go through that pain all over again, so I kept a safe distance from her.

Liza and I vibed rarely in the beginning. She was eccentric and extremely extroverted. I was more of an introvert. There were times when I disliked some of her actions and refused to speak to her by giving her the silent treatment until she apologized. I know my actions made her uncomfortable many times but she never fought with me. She stood by my side unlike Annie.

There were times I wanted to question her actions for I could clearly see that she was trying to put on a fake face to the world. I felt like she was pretending to be another person. Maybe a happy version of her true self. I didn't know for sure. She was just as mysterious as she was open. Her happy smiling face might be her coping mechanism to flush out her hidden demons.

As the days passed I began to overlook all that I found revolting about her and then onwards our friendship began to bloom. I found myself enjoying her company. I was turning into a mini version of Liza and I embraced the new change. Happy, smart, cute, friendly and active. I wanted to be like her and in the end I imbibed all her good qualities and was transitioning into a better version of myself.

Running along the pathways, playing hide and seek, sipping the sweet drinks, walking the roads aimlessly eating chocolate, hand in hand sometimes hands on waist sometimes hands on hair. In short her hands couldn't keep still. They were all over my body.

I don't know why but I found her soft touches comforting and soothing. I loved it when she hit me playfully or hugged me unexpectedly especially whenever she got excited. It was a whole new experience for me.

The world of skinship which I once regarded as loathsome transformed into a sublime beauty and as the days passed I found myself changing. I was becoming more active and my introvertedness was slowly fading me . Everyday I grew closer to her and everyday I felt a panic building inside me.

I never liked it when Liz spoke to others but I never openly displayed my possessiveness. I never felt this way before to any other friends before. Whenever people tried to get close to her, I felt a pang in my heart. I was scared of them stealing her away from me. I wanted her all to myself but then again I didn't want her to penetrate my shell.

Liza clearly had the ability to bring out something in me, the phase that I've always repressed. I don't know what that was. But whatever it was. It was strong and undying.