Joan: Cammy Therapy

Joan : 18 years

"So you are the love of my life huh?" I giggle.

"I really want to but you're in love with your Liza", says Cammy slightly hitting me with a rolled up newspaper, pouting.

"Is this your new phone number" I ask her confused.

"Yeah"

"Let me guess. You finally broke up with him, didn't ya?" I ask her in a concerned tone.

"I took your advise. That cheater didn't deserve me. So I've brought the beer. Now go grab some snacks. I want to get wasted today." Cammy says holding up the beer bottles. I took some snacks from the pantry, grabbed the car keys and drove to the beach.

The tidal waves splashed rhythmically against the golden shore spraying salty water to our faces. Cammy watches the sea, lost in thoughts. I know that she's hurting inside but there was nothing I could do for her. I move closer and let her rest her head on my shoulders so that she feels my presence.

Cammy... The love of my life?

No.. She wasn't...

She's my best friend...

Going to an arts school, I was suddenly exposed to the LGBT community. There were many gay students in our college who were dating secretly and a few of them dated openly.

I was unaware of this community back in high school but Liza, knew all about it and she refused to talk to me about it. Maybe she might have felt uncomfortable to share something of this sort to me back then or was it because she hated the idea of same genders being in love? I really don't know. I was scared to ask her about it as well. She had strong faith in the Catholic religion and so I often kept away from discussing such topics from her. Even after six years of friendship, Liza was still a mystery to me.

At one point in time, even I started to question my sexuality. I started taking quizzes online, to determine if I was gay and the results differed everytime. Either I was a lesbian or bisexual or straight. I was confused, what am I really? Nothing helped. It was then I started make analysis myself and the dumb idiot that I was, made this analysis on the back of my notebook. Cammy, my classmate found out about it and teased me from time to time. Through this incident we became really close friends. I opened up myself to her. I discussed topics that I normally wouldn't with another person. Cammy was open minded and never judged anyone blindly. She also supported the LGBT community. Cammy was my freeing spirit.

One day, Cammy and I, decided to sit down and draw a conclusion about my sexuality. She asked me a series of questions and I spoke to her about, Liza and how Liza made me feel. Cammy made it seem so normal to have these kind of feelings I had since I was a kid and had tried to push to the back of my mind.

I realised I admired and loved Liza more than just a friend. At that one time, when she kissed me, it felt more than just a friendly kiss. She was able to send shivers down my spine, with just that one kiss. I really didn't know why I felt uncomfortable to have open skinship with her then unlike my other female counterparts. I never thought about what it meant at the time. I never really questioned my sexuality back then, as I was unaware about such a thing. It wasn't something people talked about openly back where I grew up.

As we continued the conversation I realises what it meant to like your same gender, and everything began to make sense and for the first time, I finally understood about my feelings towards Liza.

"Do you love me Jo? Do you?"

Yes.. Yes.. Yes.. I do love you Liz.

I wanted to shout it out to the world. I was in love with Liza. I had always been in love with her. It was always her. My guardian angel. My Liza.

As we talked further, I made another discovery, these feelings I had for her was only meant for her alone. I never felt anything of this sort to any other woman. It was just Liza. Only she had the capacity to stir up waves inside my heart.

"So I think you just fell in love with your best friend. It's not uncommon. Many people do that, but the real question is do you want something more or do you just wanna stay being her good friend." Cammy asks me in a serious tone.

"I don't know. I'm scared. What if I let Liza know, that I love her and she hates the idea and hate me in the process. It could ruin my friendship with her. I can't afford to do that. So no, Cammy, I'm not gonna tell her about my feelings. I really do want something more from her but it's not practically possible. Homosexuality or anything of that sort is not encouraged in the place that we grew up. I can't even imagine what our parents would do if something like this happens. My mom wouldn't be able to handle it. So no... I love her but its not happening. " I cried my heart out.

Finally, everything made sense. I really do love that stupid girl, don't I? I always did, from the first day we locked eyes, I did. I fell in love with her. Cammy had always been a support to me since then. I was going through a break up phase, even though I hadn't even told my love that I loved her. Funny, isn't it? That shit, hurt like hell but Cammy was always there for me.

" You deserve better than that asshole. " I tell her while watching the gentle waves hit the sea shore. "Thank you for being my unpaid therapist", she says hugging me. "Same, Cam. Thank you too."