Is Spite really Motivation?

Dear Bubbles,

Spite. I do everything out of spite. I made it to the age of 16 to prove everyone wrong, I proved everyone I was smart. The list goes on to be honest. Even now I'm living to spite, even though I'm sitting here writing numerous suicide letters and then shoving them into the darkest corner of my room to be continued on another day.

I still plaster a bright fake smile on my face covered in makeup. I still dress in skinny jeans, band t-shirts, or even tight shirts to show off what little curves I have. Dressing up for the sake of proving I'm still sane and happy when in reality I'm losing my mind every single moment I'm alone, and I'm rock bottom in pain.

But then again am I really proving anyone wrong if I'm just going to off myself anyways? Yeah, everyone knows I want to die. I'm just proving I did something before I do it.

I know people say shit behind my back, that I'm a terrible person, that I'm a hypocrit, that I deserve what I got. They get excited over my misfortune. They giggle and gossip while I suffer. But that's really okay I guess. At least I grew up you know, at least I listen, at least I try to overcome my mistakes and toxicity.

While they let it marinate in their souls and use it to cause problems. I hate people like that, they refuse to listen when you try to fix the simplest mistakes  or even address them. They blame you fully for something you can easily fix, even when you're willing to fix it. They make the problem bigger than it is. That may seem hypocritical of me since I've threatened friendships to get people to listen. But they didn't listen therefor it was my last resort. While I was ignored even when I was willing to try my best.

It's best to observe behaviors like that, you could dodge a bullet by doing so. Then again you already knew that, you're always telling me to let go of people like that. But my stubborn ass refuses to let go till the string is cut from the root. This string wasn't cut though, I think it was burnt off. You know how sometimes that annoying thread that always seems to be there? So you finally just take a lighter and light that motherfucker on fire and let it burn off so it doesn't come back. And because the thread melted it's forever stuck like that? That's basically what happened.

I'm not surprised and I know you aren't either. I knew it would happen eventually. It still shocks me how cold they'd look at me, the dullness in their voices. Then again one of them didn't even speak to me no matter how hard I tried. With the excuse of wanting a proper apology. I said my peace, I explained myself more times than needed be. Fuck her stupid apology. I never got that so called "proper apology"

But I'm still the real hypocrit aren't I?

Yours truly,

Tomie Grayson