The truth within toxic friendships.

Dear Bubbles,

I don't think many people understand how it feels to have a toxic friend. I hear more about toxic families, toxic relationships. I never hear about the beat friends who drove you closer to insanity than anyone else.

I've been bullied, I've been mentally, physically and verbally abused by my dad, I've been sexually harassed, I've had toxic relationships. None of it compares to the insanity I felt when she was my friend. Three years. I took three years of that and by the time covid hit that's when I felt it nearly hit peak.

When I met her I was still freshly damaged from my dad. I was very innocent. I didn't know what a lot of drugs were, I didn't know very much about sex. And I came to a new school learning that's all people wanted, they didn't care about having real friends or knowing your problems. They thought you were weird I'd you openly addmited you wanted to kill yourself, or if you joked about killing yourself. And unfortunately I didn't know that. I went into seventh grade as the weird girl for being depressed. I was the emo kid. I was the weird kid. I was the kid everyone made fun of to get a reaction from because they knew I'd react. They didn't realize it was like that because I had anger issues.

I had a few friends I lost most of then after I met her. Simply because I was annoying. She seemed nice, her family seemed nice, she was fun to be around. Till we began fighting over stupid things. Now don't get me wrong she has her past and I have mine and that creates some toxic behaviors. But the difference between she and I.. is that I attempted a change.

You know I try my best even when my memory twists my stories. Or when I think I'm in the right when I'm in the wrong. And you know I'm sometimes quick to realize that other times not so much.

She never attempted a change. And yet it was always her running back to me.

"I didn't mean it."

"I'm sorry."

"I've just been going through things."

"I was under so and so's pressure."

Fuck your lies. Fuck your manipulation. Fuck your God complex. Fuck your excuses and fuck your problems.

I'm the one who's suffering now even though I've detached myself from her. She still thinks I'm a stupid little 7th grader who will fall for her manipulation and guilt trip. She thinks you're stupid. She thinks my mother is stupid. But here's the thing she can't find anyone else to feed her God complex so she comes running back to me. The only reliable source who'd treat her human who'd treat her as a friend. No more. No fucking more.

I fucking refuse to fall for her manipulation again. I've learned my lesson. I'm the way I am because of her and so many other people. It's hard unlearning the things she's scorched into my brain. I used to never be this quiet. I was loud, I had lots of things to say through text. And now it's only small bursts of excitement and then quiet. Through text it's dry responses.

"Lol."

"Oh cool."

"Yeah."

And because of that we barley talk. I barley respond to anyone but my boyfriend and my mom now. I'm disappointed in myself for letting that happen. Maybe I'm blaming too much on her but there are so many things to blame on her.

But the one thing I'll never forget she told me after I told her she wasn't God.

"You are my bitch and will always be my bitch."

I'm no one's bitch and it's as simple as that.

Yours truly

Tomie Grayson