Day 100

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

My eyes snapped open. They were bloodshot red, lined with lacquer cracks that stretched from my iris, symbolizing the state of mind I'd reached.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

I was at my wits end.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

The alarm continued to blare constantly for the next minute due to my ignorance as I lay staring at the ceiling, contemplating everything and absolutely nothing. I didn't even have room left to think or portray forth my own ideas. My mind had shut down after dying over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over.

BEEP—!

I smacked my phone, finally turning off the arrogant alarm that bothered me no more. The chilling cold air in my room didn't bother me anymore. The sight of my own blood and intestines didn't bother me anymore.

The absolutely horrendous pain of death didn't bother me anymore.

After succumbing to the repeated fate of having a cold pair of sharp metal blades twist its way into my body with malicious intent never-endingly until my eyes fell cold and my blood ran numb, it was until the 99th time that I'd finally gotten used to the feeling. That was maybe the fortunate way of explaining it, so to put it frankly, I had experienced so much pain to the point that my body came to establish the constant state of pain as normal. My body neutralized this feeling upon understanding it was now a normal feeling. Death and pain was my new normal feeling. The grim reaper and his scissors cradled me harrowingly in his arms.

I sighed.

I sat up, softly lifting my heavy duvet off my body. What used to be my origin of comfort—my bed—now felt nothing more than a respawn point as if I were in a game. To die, and to respawn. To die, and to restart all over again. This hell of loops running through the same day over and over again became a pattern with no end; a fractal with no solution; a purgatory with no eludication. I had been stuck in place, unmoving for what's felt like an eternity now.

"I am dead," I tried to speak. But only a croak of breath left my mouth. I'd strained my throat from screaming too much in previous loops that now I was left with nothing to say. My feet planted against the cold wooden floor, and my head swayed sideways while I regathered my senses upon standing. I couldn't feel any intention in moving forward anymore, because I knew there was nothing new waiting for me. Only a black mask and his stained scissors awaited my movement. So I stood still, waiting for him this time around. I stood alone in my room, facing away from the light that shone on my back from the peering blinds of my windows. I anticipated death like I always had. The only difference this time was that I knew I would not regret this wish.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

The familiar sound banged against my door. So I opened it and greeted death with desire. But to my disappointment, the doorway was empty. The man in the black mask wasn't there the one time I truly wanted him to be. I walked through the door, nearly tripping as I failed to realize my feet had fallen asleep. I stepped down each stair as if I were walking on pins and needles, but this didn't bother me. I'd been dealing with something much more than just a mere pin or needle.

I entered the kitchen, ready to read my mother's bland handwriting for the hundredth time. I would do so, and stare blankly past the paper until I snapped past my daze and realized what sat on my table instead of an orange this time.

It was an apple.

I let out a slight gasp, feeling the slightest sense of an emotion that I hadn't felt in a long time: surprise. I picked up the apple and looked at it in its glory of perfection. A deep dark red that enrobed its yellow inside. A flawless balance of sweet and tart to its flesh, with a smooth-settled texture to the curvy skin that wrapped its entirety. I picked it up, nearly throwing it towards the garbage bin by force of habit, and took a nice juicy bite. I nearly melted on the spot, thinking back on my earlier days as a child where I was still being fed apple slices cut by my maid.

"So good…" My voice was suddenly back and unraspy. It were as if the utter perfection of the apple had cured me of my inability to speak, as if it cleansed my throat of all the blood that congealed inside when it'd been slit in numerous loops prior. Then I took one bite after another, bathing with newfound joy as I bit my way to the core of my favorite fruit. But as I got closer and closer to the core, the juice that spilled became bitter, the flesh began to oxidize and brown, the skin began to wilt, and my lips began to quiver. I suddenly spat out what I'd been chewing, and it smacked against the floor to produce a disgusting sight I abhorred.

"Why…"

I shuddered with realization. Apples weren't so perfect after all.

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" I screamed and I pounded the floor repeatedly. I'd lost myself entirely by now, but this moment was too much to bear, for a belief I'd held for the longest part of my life was just thrown over my shoulder. If an apple, the sole item in existence I'd ever held to be a symbol of perfection, was now shown to be imperfect after all, then how could I believe that anything perfect at all even existed?

There was nothing perfect in this world after all. This world, my life, and I myself are as imperfect as any other person, thing, or belief in the entire existence of time. My self-set construct on the idea of perfection has crumbled under its own foundation, set to last years and years as I set foot into the headquarters of Hattum Enterprise, ready to take on the imperfections of Pactolus District and its people.

It was all gone, everything. The last remaining part of my mind held onto by strong belief was gone, and with that, my persona, and my ethical meaning to life was now non-existant. I'd been nonexistent, for a hundred days straight now, stuck in this void that lacked intention and meaning, that held me against my will. But maybe now that I've lost all meaning to myself, I could come to see something else in this world thought to be devoid of any meaning. Still, I wanted to scream at my imperfections.

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" I planted my mouth against the floor as if I were kissing it, and I screamed into the floor tile I'd chosen. I screamed and I screamed until I could feel the floor vibrate with my emotions. But soon the sound would cease, as it left its medium and entered a space on the other side.

"The basement…"

I ignored the thought, and stood up instead. I couldn't deal with this world anymore. I couldn't deal with that damned black mask and his bloodstained scissors anymore. I needed all of this to end. But I needed to understand: why was all of this happening?

"Why… WHY?!!" All of a sudden I was imbued with the ultimate desire to see face-to-face with the man in black. I needed to conclude it all. I needed to end it all. I wanted to die, but I needed to understand before I could.

"WHERE ARE YOU?!" My shout echoed throughout the manor. When there was no response nor indication of his whereabouts within my household, I took it to my own matters and ran through the front door, barging past the gate that'd locked me inside for so long. I wasn't afraid of the cold weather anymore. I was numb, even as my bare feet fell knee-deep into the snow. I looked back at the manor and the fancy black gate that wrapped its premise. Sorrow but both relief reverberated within my body. I felt somewhat free turning away from the manor that'd kept me contained with that monster for too long, but I also felt lost leaving from my only place of recognition. Did I even know where I was going? I didn't, yet, I continued to run. As I now looked forwards I found myself in the middle of an expanded field of snow. My ankles were numb and my body shivered, but I still felt some lasting heat from my raging emotion previously. I began to shout all over again.

"WHERE ARE YOU?!!"

I banged my hands into the snow.

"WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!!"

I clenched my entire body and convulsed with rage and confusion on the cold winter floor.

"SHOW YOURSELF!!!" I screamed so loudly I nearly broke my vocal chords. "Show… yourself…" I dumped my head into the ground with a sob of tears that melted the snow. I was so, so sorrowful. If only this world could give me one thing I desired when I needed it. What I needed now was clarification, followed by a death that brought me away from this world. That was all I wanted as of now, even if it would make me an imperfect being. I, for once, would accept making myself imperfect, if it meant putting me out of my misery.

I understood it now. I was imperfect after all.

Silence, but the silence was loud. I could both hear and feel the shadow that loomed before me, bathing in the reddening glow of the midnight sun that approached. I looked up, and there he stood, with his black mask sharpened by the shadows of the sun, and his cold hazel eyes peeled directly on mine.

"You're just here to kill me again, aren't you?" I stood up to level with him. "And then this day's going to start all over again! But why… WHY?!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!! TELL ME!!!"

My scream echoed across the large field that surrounded the two of us. We were stranded in our own gaze of tension.

The man didn't reply. He just continued to stare at me, scissors in hand.

"I need answers… GIVE ME FUCKING ANSWERS!!! WHY HAVE I BEEN LIVING THE SAME DAY OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!! WHY HAVE YOU BEEN KILLING ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN?!! WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?!!"

He still didn't reply. So I took a step forward, for the first time ever in my time in this world. He didn't budge. So I screamed again.

"SAY SOMETHING!!! I KNOW YOU HAVE A MOUTH BENEATH THAT FUCKING MASK OF YOURS!!!"

"Julia."

I fumbled backwards and fell back into the snow with surprise at his reply. His voice was deep and nearly unintelligible. It was the first time I'd ever heard him speak.

"W-What…? Julia…?"

"Julia."

"WHO THE FUCK IS JULIA?!!"

He raised his arm and the scissors were suddenly pointed towards me. Any other time and I would have turned away with fear, running with the possibility of dying to his cold cruel hands. But I was past that. I longed for this moment of death, but soon realized it wasn't what I expected.

"Holding this should dig up memories." He flipped the scissors around, pointing the handle towards me. I was confused. By now, he would have lunged onto me and began impaling me with the scissors. But for the first time ever, he was offering me to hold my killer.

"The scissors…?"

He nodded in response. I grabbed it out of his hands, and held onto it tightly.

"Julia…"

My eyes dilated, and my mind was sent through a spiral of images that reverted back in time. I was returning to a past I couldn't recall, but would soon come to understand the very nature of my limited memory.

"Hey, Venus." A female was suddenly standing close to me. She grabbed my hand, and grinned cheerfully.

"Hey, Julia."