The truth

"Do you mean that?"

I nod my head yes, not turning to look him in the eyes. "Mon âme?" A comforting hand is placed on my thigh, the warmth of it calming me a little. I truly felt awful about the things that I'd said and done to him. My tears were starting to dry up some, the skin of my cheeks becoming itchy as they did. I reach up and rub away the warm liquid, choosing not to respond to him. It wasn't to be childish, or to be rude. I just didn't know what to say. So much had gone on in the past two days and I still couldn't wrap my head around it. It wasn't all Drystan's fault and it wasn't all mine either, though I was a large part of the problem. I was willing to admit that, but losing my only child and myself was a lot.

My small sigh is released out into the frigid air of the car, nothing but the sound of the rain drops hitting our windows. I open my mouth to speak but pause, as I'd been doing a lot recently. I was never at a loss for words, I always had something to say, but now it was different. "Go ahead, Amelia." Drystan whispers, rubbing his thumb across my thigh. I shake my head and throw my head back to look up at the skylight. Nothing could be seen, the pounding raindrops blurring my vision. "When did the nightmares start?"

"The second I realized that I'd lost you both."

A pang of hurt runs through my chest. I didn't know how to respond. I was just better off being quiet. I wanted to console him or at least let him know I was there for him but, I just….I just couldn't. I felt that I would only make matters worse. So I sat there, quietly. My thoughts bombarding me with guilt, worry, and exhaustion. The warmth of Drystan's hand growing cold as my thoughts carry me off to dark places, self harm, depressing thoughts, just everything crashing down. But I couldn't cry, feeling as if I didn't deserve the release.

I was frozen in time and drowning in my thoughts. Drystan could sense my anxiety, his heartbeat starting to increase slightly. I feel his green eyes pierce the skin of my cheek, my eyes still trained on the raindrops above me. The warmth of Drystan's hand suddenly returns, his firm grip on me becoming more and more noticeable by the second. I part my lips and sigh, the warmth of my breath fogging up the glass. My mind starts to swim towards the good things we had, before she went missing. We were happy, an actual picture perfect family. My heart twists in pain as I remember my Delilah playing hide and go seek with Drystan. He always made time for us no matter how busy he was. He was an amazing and loving father. Tears begin to sting my eyes thinking of how we used to be.

He was happy then. I remembered how he'd always keep up with his morning routine. Drystan didn't leave for work until eight but he would always get up early, around five or so. He would get dressed and then come back to the room to read in his study. It was just off of our room, through a hidden door. Our house was old and had many hidden spaces, some yet to be found. After spending time in his study, reading and doing some other work related things, he'd come and wake me up to kiss me goodbye. No matter how busy or how upset he was with me, he'd always kiss me on the cheek. Oftentimes, I'd pull him down into the bed with me to lay down for a few minutes. His warmth always sending me back into a deep sleep. He never failed to kiss Delilah goodbye either, he'd feed her and burp her as well before putting her off to sleep. He was always helpful when it came to taking care of her, I never felt like it was all my responsibility or like I was tired out. When she was first born he'd fall asleep with her in his arms, it was a moving action. He truly loved her and provided for her emotionally as well. Something I didn't really have growing up, I think that's why it meant so much to me.

I close my eyes, my tears trickling down my neck. Drystan's fingers quickly wipe them away as they fall. I turn to my mate, and gaze at him through blurry eyes. Concern and pain, evident in his eyes. "You were a g-great father." I stammer, wrapping my fingers around his warm ones. I meant what I said and he knew it. His eyes trained on mine before he sighs. It takes everything in him not to break down again, his eyes filling back up with tears. He bites his lip and turns away from me. I begin to send apology after apology his way, I couldn't stop them from coming. I felt guilty for everything that had happened and I wanted him to know that i didn't mean to hurt him "And I'm sorry for the way I acted, and the separation, and the fighting,I-I didn't realize that-"

"Stop." He lowly whispers. I continue on with my apologies, one after another leaving my shaking body. "I said STOP!" My heart drops, a wave of fear running through me. Drystan had never, ever, raised his voice at me. It stopped me in my tracks, my body shaking even more from fear. I snatch my hand away from him and retreat to my side of the car. I was panicking and he was too, we were both on edge and hurt.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, my eyes cast downward at my trembling hands. "I didn't mean-"

"Amelia." Drystan's stern voice warns. I nod my head and sit there quietly, my heart beating out of my chest. We sit in silence until we both calm down, no words or glances were exchanging between us. I was now starting to feel hungry, my stomach aching. The food was right by my foot but I felt uncomfortable with the atmosphere of the car. A light growl from my stomach is released, catching Drystan's attention. I feel his eyes on me as I squirm. "Are you hungry?" I shake my head no. Drystan's eyes remain on me until another loud growl escapes me. Drystan reaches down in the back and reaches out. I flinch away from him. I didn't know why but I was extremely cautious of him. "Please eat." I shake my head no and squeeze in my stomach, hoping to dull the sounds.

"Amelia, please."

I needed some air, but there was nothing I could do. The rain was pouring and we needed to get back to Canada soon. "Just, please….. leave me alone." Drystan sighs before turning to face his window.

We sit in silence. Even our breathing was at a minimum. I didn't want to talk or be awake, but I had slept fine earlier so I probably wasn't going to be tired until twelve thirty or so. I search across my side of the car for my phone. I'd misplaced it after my conversation with Dani. I slide my hands in between the door and the car seat before my finger tips glide across the edge of my phone, quickly wrapping my fingers around it and pulling it up into my vision. It had just turned eleven. I sigh and lean my head on the window. The rain had stopped and I was now able to see the passing world around us. The green trees that lined the edge of the interstate, the large array of cars that drove past us, and even the bright moon that was lighting up the sky. I needed a break from driving and being cooped up in a hotel room. I impulsively roll down the window for the driver. His hazel eyes connect with mine, and I smile at him before parting my lips to speak. "Can you stop at the nearest exit?"

"Are you sure, there's nothing there but farm land?" he asks, skeptically. I nod my head and roll up the window. An open field was exactly what I needed right now. I felt trapped in this car with Drystan and I needed an escape. He says nothing as we pull off on the next exit, driving deeper and deeper into the dark road until an open field comes into view. I roll down the window and ask him to stop. He does so and I hop out of the car immediately, walking out towards the dimly lit field. I sigh in relief as I feel the cold wind nip at my skin, my breath fogging up around me. I felt a panic attack coming and if I were to have it in the car that would ruin everybody's day. I plop down onto the cold grass and close my eyes, breathing in deeply through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. Feeling myself relax as my chest expands with each breath of air filling up in my lungs.

The wind whips around my still form as I sit there, alone, in the dark. Thinking, breathing, calming myself as best I could.

My heart beat increases slightly, hearing light footsteps crunch across the ground but it soon returns to its slow beat having caught a whiff of his cologne. My eyes remain closed and I still myself, trying my best to focus on controlling my breathing and thoughts. My soul and chest begins to lighten as I breathe in the fresh air. Drystan says nothing while he stands a few meters away from me. He wasn't coming any closer to me and I really appreciated that. I needed to focus and let the anxious thoughts go. With each breath I imagine those hurtful thoughts and negative feelings leaving me. After a few minutes of meditating I slowly open my eyes. Drystan's presence makes its way towards me. "I'm sorry, Amelia." He whispers into the crisp dark air.

"Go away." I state, quietly.

"Baby, I just-

"Go, Away!" I yell. I didn't want to talk right now. Ever since he popped up into my life, all I felt was sadness, memories I didn't want to remember flooded my mind every time I looked at him. I just need to feel something other than pain right now, I just didn't know what that "something" was. I sigh and collect myself mentally, before standing up and walking past him to the car. A random thought pops in my head as I make my way back, I still didn't know the driver's name. I usually asked as soon as I met someone, but I wasn't really present when I'd first met him. I needed to ask him as soon as possible. It was rude of me not to.

Drystan says nothing as he follows behind me. I wasn't angry at him, I was angry with myself for allowing him to have such an effect on me. I couldn't believe that I'd let him touch me, I was disappointed in myself for giving myself up so easily. I did regret it, though we were married, we didn't have much of a relationship and I wanted to keep it that way now. I couldn't trust him, and he couldn't trust me. Us being together was a mistake but then again many things that I did in my life were soon looked upon as "mistakes".

I near the asphalt road, opening the door to the car and sliding in. Just as i do, the driver starts the car. I roll down the window and the man turns to me. "Hey, thank you for stopping so suddenly." I smile. the door on my left opens as Drystan slides in, closing the door behind himself. The man smiles back.``No problem Mrs. Laurent."

"Oh God No, Please call me Amelia." I laugh, I did not want to be called by his last name. We still were married and my legal name was Amelia Rose James-Laurent, but it didn't feel right. Nobody had called me such in so long, it was uncomfortable for me. "I also forgot to ask you yours when we first met. I'd like to apologize."

"Don't worry ma'am, It's Harley." My smile drops as his name rolls out into the air, my skin running cold and my eyes burning with shock. I snap back into reality and a small smile forms on my face." I used to have a friend named Harley." I state sadly.

"Well what happened, if you don't mind me asking?" He asks, his hazel eyes connecting with mine through the mirror. A sad sigh leaves my lips as I glance over at Drystan. He keeps his eyes trained out the dark window. "Drystan. Drystan happened." I sadly sigh. Harley coughs uncomfortably before changing the subject, "I'll be heading back to the interstate now. If you need me to make any more stops just roll down the window and I'll take you."

"Thank you, Mr. Harley." I smile, as he rolls up the window.

I glance over at Drystan, watching him try his best not to look my way. "You don't have to completely avoid my eyes, Drystan. We all know that it was your doing that got us here in the first place." Drystan's angry eyes connect with mine, a small smile forming on my face as he does so. "Awwe, look at you being a pathetic little child." Drystan says nothing as I insult him. I knew what I was doing, and it was my childish way of keeping myself sane. " Oh no." I gasp, my hand on either side of my face." Did I hurt your feelings? Oh, Whatever shall I do? " I ask, being as dramatic as humanly possible. "The big bad, emotional, controlling, and irresponsible child, Alpha's feelings got hurt. I should beg him for forgiveness." I hiss into the already cold atmosphere "Oh wait, I don't care."

Dalton exhausted sigh rings through the car. "At this point, I don't even know what you want from me. I react, I'm wrong. I don't react, I'm wrong. I tell you the truth, I'm wrong. I keep things, I'm wrong. Everything I do is always wrong to you. Que voulez-vous de moi?" He asks, his tired eyes connecting with mine. He was tired of dealing with me and hopefully he would get frustrated and finally leave me alone. "Just... What do you want from me?"

I wanted to start over and not be so trusting of him, but that was impossible. I'd let myself be vulnerable with him again and I still couldn't trust him, nor him, I. "Nothing." I state." I want absolutely nothing from you." My brown eyes burn with anger and my barriers begin to build themselves up again. I wanted him to hurt because of what he did to me, to Delilah, to Harley, to everyone. " I hate you and I never want to be with you again. We tried to work it out before, I'm done trying." I hiss. I didn't mean it, but I thought that I did. "I don't love you and I'm not gonna force myself to."

"You don't mean that, Amelia." He whispers as he searches my eyes. It was more of a question rather than a statement but I was not going to let him know that I was still attached to him. I roll my eyes and turn to my right, grabbing my phone out of the door pocket. Just as I unlock my phone, Drystan snatches it out of my hands. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yell. Drystan runs his hands through his hair and turns to me. "You're so pathetic." I throw one last time.

"I don't understand why you feel the need to be so fucking cruel!" He screams, the soundproof walls were the only things keeping us separated from Harley's prying ears." I've tried everything with you, from staying away to give you space to coming to get you to show you that I still cared! I tell you that I love you and you pretend as if you don't hear. You keep toying with me! And it hurts, Amelia. You're all I have left. "He whispers out tears soaking his face. He takes a breath before turning to look out the window. " You can't pull me in and then push me away. I am a person, one with feelings and one that loves you so so much, I'm trying Amelia."

"Then stop." I quietly sigh, my silent tears going unnoticed by the hurt man beside me. He had a reason to be upset but so did I. The anger I felt towards him had been boiling over for years and now that I was in front of him, I couldn't keep it to myself. All I'd done today was insult him, yes it was rude, childish, and even stupid but I didn't know how to speak to him without opening up a part of me I didn't want him or anyone else to see ever again.

'Please," He sighs, turning to face me."Just tell me the truth. What do you want from me?" I suddenly break down into tears, my sobs being muffled by my hands. He didn't deserve what I said and he didn't deserve my hatred either. I just didn't know how else to keep myself from falling in love. I found small things about his personality, behavior, anything that I disliked and amplified it to the max. It was an absolutely horrid trait but I could not put myself in the situation I was in before. He did bad things but losing Delilah was not his fault. Hot tears roll down my cheeks, my lip wobbling in pain. The truth is, I didn't want anything from Drystan. I didn't want to allow myself to fall in love with him, I didn't want to put myself in a vulnerable spot again, and I didn't want to always be reminded of Harley or Delilah.

I'd craved love and what it felt like to be with him all these years but I just couldn't allow myself to feel them. i was at war with myself, one part of me wanted to move on but the other part of me wanted to be his mate again, his Luna.

"I..I just want t-to feel anything other than the depression and the pain that I've been through for all these years. I can't be in a vuln- vulnerable place again with you." I sob into my hands. Drystan places his hand on my thigh, his thumb rubbing my leg softly.

"I don't understand, My Love." He explains, his voice still scratchy from his own sobs." But why?"

"I just can't." I groan, wiping away the tears on my face. I pull my hands away from my face and glance over at him as my sobs die down,hiccups taking their place. A small smile forms on Drystan's face, his eyes shiny and his lips red from chewing on them. "I just, I need to feel something temporary. I need something I can enjoy and not get attached to, like sex or a quick friendship, nothing too serious. Something where I can attach and detach from when I need to.``

"Baby, just use me." He sighs, reaching up to grab my face. I continue to hiccup as he peers down at me. His light green eyes search through my own as I stare up at him through my tears."I am prepared to do absolutely anything to make it better, but you have to tell me what you want." Drystan searches my eyes and plants a kiss on my forehead before pulling me into his arms. "I don't want to hurt you in the long run, Drystan." I hiccup.

"And I don't want to lose you in the long run." he explains, his arms tightening around me. I grip onto his shirt pulling him closer to me. Drystan's warmth surrounds me as I calm down, I hated how emotional I was today but all the years of bottled up emotions were crashing down on me. "I don't know what to do anymore." I croak out, my throat dry and scratchy. " I just need to feel something, something good."

"My love for you is good," he whispers, out comforting my fragile emotions. " - not perfect but we belong together, Amelia. A match made in heaven, and even though bad things have happened to us it doesn't mean that we have to give up. I will never ever give up on you or us. You mean everything to me, I could lose everything I own, my status, my home, my people, but I cannot and will not lose you."

"And that is what scares me, I can't be emotionally available with you like I used to be, you will never be able to have me, emotionally." I explain, mumbling into his neck. "And I'm sorry but being around you makes me feel even worse, your presence is a comfort and a reminder of everything bad. "

"Then how can we change that?" Drystan asks, placing yet another kiss on my forehead.

"I don't think we can….." Drystan lifts my chin up to his gaze yet again, his eyes full of love and pain. He looks down at me for a few moments, taking in my features and emotions swirling in my eyes. " I love you so much." He mumbles, leaning in slowly and placing a soft kiss on my lips, my eyes slowly shut, the warmth of his body making me feel safe and protected. I kiss him back resting my hands on his chest. My mind feels numb in those few seconds, nothing worrying me or making me feel helpless. I was in complete bliss, a state of security and warmth, that is until he pulled away.

I didn't dare open my eyes, I wasn't ready for it to be over. I lay my head back down in its previous place, nestling my head in his neck. I breathe him in, slowly, wanting to relax and feel … loved. "Was that bad?" Drystan randomly inquires.

"Huh?"

" Did my actions make you feel bad, or hurt?" He asks, his hands gliding across my back in a comforting manner. I understood what he was getting at but I still felt hopeless inside.

"No. But Drystan-"

" No, stop." He shushes me. " It can be changed, My love."