November 19th

I have no regrets. If I had to do it again, I would. I would meet you. I would hold on to you, even if it hurts. I wouldn't force myself to protect me from whatever emotion, even the most painful ones.

I like emotions. I couldn't live without them. I wouldn't be able to stop remembering you nor break up all ties with you even though it would be easier.

I wait. I stay here, knowing I might get hurt because of you again, because of me, because of the discrepancy between us, because of the way you elude the questions I ask you, because of your indecision.

Even if it makes me angry, I want to put up with it. Despite everything, there's something between us which makes me want to stay with you. I don't want to forget you. I can't.

Even if it makes my stomach hurts, I want to read your words. Even if I'm crying, I want to keep on writing to you. Even if I'm hurting from this fucking fate which keeps us apart, I don't want to erase you.

I don't think I know you, but I don't want to give up. I accept our hybrid and disturbing context.

As for the rest, I let time do its job.

I wait. I see how it goes day by day. I didn't plan anything that happened to us. I probably can't plan what's next.

I wait without believing it too strongly. Sometimes, I let myself be surprised by an ounce of hope which, wherever it may come from, is stronger than anything.

I am nothing. I accept it.

On my own, I go on the path that will lead me to you, the path I need to keep on exploring now that I've started, now that it's been a year since it's already too late to give up.

**

I need to write about us.

Even if it's only relevant to us.

Even if you don't find it interesting.

I need it, for me.

I still find us as beautiful on paper.

It contains the best of us, and I want to preserve it, to keep a trace that our imperfect memories won't erase.

I don't care if it's unhealthy, ridiculous, childish. I want to preserve you. I want to engrave us, to immortalize us even if it's just a dream. Even if nothing is real, we'll have existed in the world I've created.