Chapter two

There was, in fact, something for Gracie to do when she got home. There were many things to be done. And Gracie wanted to do none of them.

Her mother obviously heard the door slam as Gracie walked in, as she was in the hallway before her daughter had a chance to go upstairs. People said many things about Ellie Williams, mother of one "academically talented, but terminally under motivated" daughter and wife to Allen Williams, things they likely wouldn't say to her face. One thing they all agreed on, be it Gracie's former teachers, the girls at the tennis club, or close friends of the family whenever they came to visit, was that Ellie wasn't a person who went through life thinking it to be random, something she had no control over. Ellie Williams didn't move through life. Life moved itself around her, so that it didn't get thrown out altogether. Should she ever gain celestial powers, Gracie's mother would likely reorganise the stars in the sky to a pattern that was more "easy on the eyes."

"You're late." Those two words were delivered just as Gracie was taking off her shoes, and they carried an accusatory tone she had long become accustomed to. Gracie didn't even need to look around to know that one of her mother's eyebrows, most likely her right one, would be shot up, forming the perfect duo with the disapproving glare.

"You really have to stop doing this Gracie. It isn't healthy, and to be honest, it seems like your grief for your friend is turning into a bit of an obsession. She's gone, Gracie. Accept it, and move on. I know what I'm talking about, you know. I've had much more experience with grief than you have."

Gracie doubted that her mother had ever loved someone for even a minute, for even a second of her life. Not the way her and Alex had loved each other. She spun around to face her mother, suddenly overtaken with love, with grief, and with anger. "If Dad died tomorrow, would you care? Honestly, would you care? Would you just get over it, in a year? Twenty years of marriage, just like that, cancelled out in a year? It's fucking ridiculous! I loved Alex, I would've died for her, in fact, I wish it was me that was dead." Ellie stiffened at that, viewing her daughter in a different light.

"Don't say that. Don't you dare say that, you know what I'd have to do, if it's gotten that bad again. I don't want you to go back there, and I know you don't want to go back either. Don't say things like that if you don't mean them."

The mention of "that place" caused Gracie to withdraw slightly, taking a step back from her mother, knowing it wasn't an empty threat. She couldn't go back there, not in a million years. But when her mother implied she was just being dramatic, that this was nothing but empty words, Gracie felt what little control she had, that little office in her mind dedicated to self-preservation, shut its doors for the day, closed for business until further notice. The words came tumbling out before she even thought of them.

"I've never meant anything more in my life. Alex was everything to me. You know why, Mum? Do you know why I loved her more, in the two years we had together, than I have ever loved you? Because she knew me. She truly knew who I was, what kind of person I was, and she took the time to get to know me. She wanted to know me, for no other reason than she liked me, and thought I was worth talking to. When, and I want you to think carefully about this, when exactly, in the last few years, have you taken the time to talk to me? And if you did, did you listen to me, at all? Did you actually ever want my opinion, or were you just trying to shut me up, or prove a point?"

Ellie opened her mouth, confusion on her face, clearly not knowing where to start. She was relieved of that burden by Gracie not giving her a chance to talk, unable to turn it off now that her emotions had been unlocked, like a vault filled to the brim with gold, spilling out and taking the occupants with it, just like in the movies.

"And why do you tiptoe around everything? Why do you call it "that place," why do you act like nothing I do, nothing I feel matters? So what if it's irrational? I still feel it. Say it, say it out loud. What is "that" place, Mum? What is it, exactly?"

There was a gap between Gracie's barrage of questions and her mother's response, a gap in which Gracie caught her breath, and her mother decided what to address first. Gracie was actually intrigued to see what she would say first, what she would prioritise. Maybe her mother would surprise her for once.

Or maybe not.

"If you know what you're feeling is irrational, then why don't you challenge it Gracie? Why don't you address what you're feeling, and just bloody move on?" Her mother tried to express frustration, exasperation at the tirade Gracie had just delivered, knowing from past experience that if she made what Gracie said seem unreasonable, her daughter would calm down, or lose confidence enough for Ellie to reframe the argument.

Gracie, however, saw what her mother was trying to do, knowing that her mother only cursed in any form when she was frustrated, or pretending to be frustrated. She'd walked into this trap before- on the subject of her mother, Gracie was a slow learner. But we all learn important lessons, eventually. Out of necessity.

"Just say it, Mum. Say it out loud, give it meaning. Stand behind it. Where did they send me, six months ago? Say it." Gracie's gaze never wavered, and she made an effort to make her still shaky breathing sound a little more in control. She wouldn't back down, not this time. If her mother wanted change, she'd get change.

"They, uh, they sent you to a psychiatric ward. They sectioned you." Ellie didn't know what to do, what to say, Gracie taking her by surprise with her persistence. Normally, Gracie never stuck to one thing, always moving on to another topic, her mind working at a speed that made things efficient, but not coherent. This, this was different. This, Ellie thought, had been planned out, had been something Gracie had been waiting for.

Gracie felt disbelief run through her for a second. Years and years of her mother always having the upper hand, always having the last word, never conceding a point in an argument, had made Gracie think that her mother would change the subject, or simply walk away. But no, she'd done it. She'd said what Gracie told her to say. Huh.

"There you go. Was that so hard to say?" Gracie now had a smiled on her face, and was seemingly absorbing the tension in the hallway, feeding off of it. "I meant every word of what I said. I loved Alex. I miss her every second of every day. And honestly, if I had to die, so that she could live, I would switch places in an instant. I mean that with all my heart."

"Call me when tea's ready." Gracie ascended the stairs, not giving her mother the satisfaction of looking back at her, an odd but pleasant feeling taking the place of the anger and the sorrow that had stood there before.