Chapter 41

"Better off dead because I'm not a good person."

POORSTACY

Strong, intelligent, sophisticated, courageous, daring, kind and in short, the sort of person who rises to the occasion at a moment's notice.

These are all the qualities needed, to become a main character.

Of course, I've never been the main protagonist of anything, nor the leading lady. Since I don't possess any of the essential attributes, it would be ironic if someone like myself were to be the alpha female. Unfortunately, even landing as a supporting role, is a little too prestigious for a social reject, an outcast. Although I do stand out, it's not for the ideal reasons, therefore I most likely execute the part of the main antagonist.

My crime, is being myself.

Whether I'm on the stage or off the stage, whether the scenery changes or the show is postponed, the script remains as before. Often, I am bluntly (and occasionally, subtly) reminded of the part I play. I am reminded that the villain is always defeated, the beast always slaughtered and the hero, living a prosperous future of triumph. Within my imagination, I can fantasise about being the person I want to be, not the person I need to be. I can pretend that though slightly melancholic, I can influence my ending.

Sadly, reality contradicts all my hopes.

As a younger child, I always participated in extra curricular, particularly performing arts. The after schools sessions-which would normally last about an hour and a half- were designed to educate children in three different areas: dance, drama and singing. Each made me feel self-conscious, yet my mother insisted on driving me to every rehearsal, ranting about how it will 'shape my mind' as well as how much  'self expression is important at my age.'

All the work contributed to the end of year production, presented proudly to the pupils and teachers. It was a habit that the performances were divided into two: one for class three and four, the other class five and six. Class four would get the main parts, due to the fact that they were older, and class six would get the main part because they were leaving the school soon. Personas would be decided by the instructors, based on the work produced during the sessions.

Inevitably, I found it amusing, when all the girls would strive to do their best on the week prior to the final decision. Behaving absolutely well, paying attention to the most excruciating details when learning how do apply certain techniques, exhibiting what they thought were the most significant talents.

However, only one person could be chosen.

And in both productions, the same girl was chosen to be the leading actor.

Anna Kovalyov.

Anna was a slim girl with a flat stomach, blonde hair, green eyes, bright red lips and an outgoing personality. She was tall, but not too tall like me and had a smile of an angel. Clearly, the traits she attained weren't enough because Anna was also smart, funny and very competent.

Life appears to taunt me every opportunity it gets because not only was this girl fortunate to receive what everyone else desired at the time, she was also bestowed with the honour of becoming HeadGirl.

In addition to this, Anna was Liam's crush.

And Liam, was mine.

Not to be mean or anything, but the fact that she was blonde just made everything ten times worse.

Liam Baccini.

Caramel-brown hair, blue eyes, the classic Italian nose, thin pink lips and tanned skin. He had a tall and slightly broad frame and despite rude, I still liked him.

Pitiful, I know.

Throughout the last two years of elementary school, Liam was infatuated with Anna. Granted, Anna made an attempt to dismiss him, denying that there were any deeper feelings, other than the nonchalant mutuality of classmates. As time went on, I began observing and it didn't take long so see the vague signs of jealousy and the frequent, yet supposedly 'coincidental', opportunities to get close to him.

I myself came to the exact same position. If there was a chance to get close to my crush, I would take it, for he scarcely gave me the time of day. The only time I was needed, was when Liam necessitated assistance with work or forget his eraser.

On the day of the year six production, the last day of school, I was in the music room, waiting for my queue to go on stage. Rose-gold masks and aqua-blue P.E. bags were scattered across the brown carpet, and on the shelves, lay rows and rows of navy-blue and wine-red violin cases.

Behind the grand, wooden piano, sat little Valentina. Tugging on my black leggings and finally, strapping in my shoes, I was watching the door attentively, awaiting my moment on stage. Wiping the lens of my glasses on my shirt, I had just about enough time to put them on when the door opened.

"Glad we managed to do the scene without the script in our hands," sighed Anna in relief.

Covering my mouth to suppress the sounds of my breathing, I quietly listened.

"Yeah!" exclaimed Liam. "You were great though! A complete natural."

We were twelve. She probably wasn't all that. Nevertheless, for Anna's sake, he exaggerated his admiration, hoping to earn something in return.

And so he did.

Because the next sounds I heard were kissing.

Peeping over the lid of the piano, I saw Anna lean over and kiss his cheek. Next, Liam reciprocated that kiss and they left the room, when Anna suggested they'd get water.

Anna wouldn't stop recalling the memory that I desperately wanted to burn. She retold the story to her friends and I listened in, even though it was a complete waste of my time.

Needless to say, I was upset and evidently, I forget about it. I mean I was young, so it was probably for the best.

Afterwards, I numbed my emotions towards all boys.

Except one.

But that's, another story.