What You Say

"Nancy," I shouted. She flinched at her own name.

When she saw me, she gave a relieved sigh. "Hey, look if my mom calls can you tell her I'm at yours for the weekend?"

"Sure... where are you going?"

"It's a long story..."

"Why is it with Jonathan?" I folded my arms.

She rolled her eyes and looked at me. "Not you too."

"Its been a day," I sighed. "God, I am sorry, that is not why I am here." I took a breath. "We can talk about that later, but I need to tell you something."

"Can we talk later? I need to go... I will tell you everything later." She looked at Jonathan's car. I could see he wanted to get out, but I shot him a look over my shoulder.

"No... I am sorry... I need to tell you the truth." I clenched my bag strap until my fingers hurt. "I... I"

"Gene- Hey" She stepped forward and touched my arm. "You can talk to me... we are friends, right?" Nancy's tone and expression were sincere, she was ready to be there for me, and I was about to ruin her day.

My eyes began to water. Nancy deserved the truth; if I was honest, she deserved it earlier, but I couldn't change the past, only fix what I could. "I know you blame yourself for Barb... but it wasn't your fault, it was me."

"What are you talking about." She gripped my arm now.

"That night... she was set to leave," I said. "Barb looked so sad, and I was never close to Barb, but I liked her. So I told her we could talk... while everything was happening..." I took a breath, trying not to cry. "I was trying so hard to talk to her by the pool. I even went inside to grab her some real first aid, but Ricky caught me, for .... you know," I paused, thinking back to that night, "and I wanted to... with him. I still wanted to talk to Barb, though... so I made her wait for me until we were done."

I looked up, trying to let the heat leave my face. "When I went back outside, Barb was gone. I thought she got tired of my bullshit, couldn't blame her, I was so selfish. I should have just hung out with her instead of trying to be a stupid teenager or fucking ignored her. I put her there. It's not your fault, its mine."

Nancy stared at me, open-mouthed for a moment. "Gene."

"So ... it wasn't you, and it wasn't Steve. It was me." I said. "And I let you think for so long that it's ruining your life. You and Steve wouldn't have ended things if I just told the truth. I am so sorry, I am so sorry-" Before I could finish my sentence, Nancy wrapped her arms around me. I stood there frozen before I began to sob. Clutching my friend's shirt like the lifeline it felt to be.

"It wasn't you," Nancy said. "It wasn't us, it was that thing, and it was those people, and I promise," She whispered in my hair. "For Barb... I will give her justice,"

I hugged her. "Do... do you need me to do anything." I wanted to help. Maybe if I did, these disturbing feelings would finally go away.

"Not now... but I will call you if I do." She gave me the most determined look. I wasn't sure I was staring at Nancy. "Now... I have to go. I promise I will tell you everything,"

I grabbed her wrist. "Please be careful," I whispered. "This world has taken enough from us,"

Nancy nodded before letting go of my arm. I watched her drive away and bit my lip. Her forgiveness didn't mean anything. Not for the pit that was still in my stomach. I turned to Ricky and slumped in the car.

"You okay?" He asked,"

I pushed the tears from my face and gave Ricky a look. "Stupid question, I guess... want to take you home?"

I knew what I wanted, that thing that would make me feel better.

I wanted to see Billy.

"Let's just go to school," I said as I slumped in Ricky's car.

"Okay..." He started up the truck. Leaving the scene in the rearview mirror. From time to time, Ricky would look over and check that I hadn't started crying again. My chest felt like the first night I had tequila, I threw up, and at first it felt good. But the queasy feelings had returned for a half-hour later, and the rest of the night, I felt like shit. It wasn't until some girl back home from college helped me did I realize what was wrong. It wasn't out yet, there was still something inside me making my stomach ache, and my heart hurt, just like now.

"Thank you." I finally said. "For taking me."

"I'm regretting that you have no idea how much I regret it," He replied. "I wish I could do more... do you want to talk about it?"

I winced as I pushed my head back on the seat. "No, it wouldn't help... sorry," Ricky knew the basics, everything I was allowed to say. That still wasn't enough to be able to talk about it.

When we got out of the car, I bolted to the school I needed to find Stacy. When I did, I took all the makeup she had. I knew enough to hide the puffiness under my eyes.

When I left the bathroom, I froze mid-step. Billy was leaning against the lockers, arms folded and waiting for me.

"Hey," I smiled as I walked up to him. "Shouldn't you be in class?" I wanted to feel relieved at the sight of my friend, but the dark look and tightness in billy's jaw was telling, he was angry.

"Gene" He gave a look. "Don't try to avoid the subject,"

Could he tell I was crying? I forced a smile even more. "can you let me know what the subject is?"

He scoffed like I was a sideshow act. "You came to school with Ricky today."

I rolled my eyes, there was no way we were actually talking about my ex. Not with the morning I had. There was a lot to worry about today, this would not be one. "Yup, you caught me, Ricky crashed in Steves room. I asked him to take me to... to Nancy's. Now I don't know what you think, but I, for one, don't believe Steve was ready to drive me to his ex's yet." I began to walk away from Billy, despite how badly I wanted to see him, my new need to end this conversation pushed up the ladder. "Now, can we get to class?" I turned to him with a hand on my hip, ready for the fight to end.

He stared at me for a moment, watching me with surprise. That's when I realized my eyes were watering again. "What did he do?" I could hear the tension in Billy's speech. Even though he wasn't yelling, I could feel the anger bubbling up in Billy's voice.

"Nothing..." I stammered. Raising a hand up to wipe a tear, "Come on, you have never had allergies? Christ Billy, I seem to remember a cat that would make you-"

"Gene," He snapped before taking my arm and pulling me into the stairwell. "What did he do?" Billy turned me towards him and gave me a hard stare. "I can't help unless you tell me-"

"Nothing-" I said. "you are so dramatic."

Billy cupped my face and stared at me. "Gene, talk to me." I could tell he wanted me to open up to him.

I was breaking. Before I realized what I was doing, my arms wrapped themselves around Billy, burying my head into his shirt. The smell of his cologne and cigarettes were on it, but somehow, that made him even more comforting. Billy slowly wrapped his arms around me, so all I could feel was him. My defenses broke, and I began to cry for the second time today, however this time felt more primal. Everything was coming out, finally. A year of holding this all in my stomach, and this is the first time it began to push itself out.

"I will kill him." Billy snarled as he gripped my shirt. "I swear to god I will beat Ricky into the ground,"

"It's not him" I looked up at him. "I promise it was Nancy and me, Ricky didn't have anything to do with it,"

Billy wiped the tears from my face before deciding if I was telling the truth or not. "Did you guys fight?" He asked. I didn't know how to respond. I wanted to tell Billy everything, I wanted to trust him completely, but the more I said, the more trouble he could get into with the government. "Gene, talk to me," He whispered slowly. "Please."

Most of all, I was selfish and wanted comfort.; despite my need to protect Billy, I still wanted to feel safe. "... I ... I did something, Billy... and because of that... someone got hurt." I said. "I fucked up and thought that if I just didn't think about it, it wouldn't be my problem. That didn't change anything, though, and now everyone is fixing their shit and moving on. While I am stuck with this knot in my stomach reminding me how horrible of a person I am-"

"Gene," Billy cupped my face, dragging his thumb against my cheek and jaw to wipe the tears away. "You are not a horrible person. Do you hear me? I don't care what anyone tells you, I don't even care what you did. You're not a horrible person."

I slid up my hand to hold his, the warmth his hand radiated seemed to soothe my nerves, but that didn't change the truth, "Billy... I-"

"If you are going to try to convince me you are a bad person, Gene, don't even try" Billy's voice wasn't forceful, but it was intense. "You are not a bad person. I will tell you until my lips fall off if I have to. So stop saying you are."

I nodded before wrapping around him again, we stayed there until I stopped crying. My body should have felt exhausted, but every movement felt lighter. I wasn't free of Barb and my guilt, but the pain was gone.

"We need to get you to class." Billy finally said. "unless you want me to drive you home,"

I shook my head as I wiped the tears from my face. "You should head back... I think I need to fix myself in the bathroom one more time." My hands were laced with tears and mascara. Safe to say my makeup was ruined, "God I probably look like a disaster," I gave a smile and looked up to him.

For the first time in a while, I saw a gentle smile spread across Billy's face. The way the light hit his eyes made my stomach flip. He slowly cupped my face one more time, gently rubbing his thumb under my jaw. "I wouldn't say that Curls."

My lips parted for a moment as I stared at him. I was suddenly aware of every movement between us, the way our chests pressed closer together with every breath, and how strange it felt to lose that touch.

We didn't say anything for a moment, and then the door opened.

"Miss Conte." I jumped so far from Billy someone would think I was one Hawkins strange attractions. The principal watched me with raised eyebrows. When he saw I was crying he took a step back, I was relieved at how crying could be the perfect repellent. "Do you need to go to the nurse?" His eyes shifted to Billy, for some reason, the principal did not question us.

I shook my head. "I just need a moment sir,"

"Fix your face and get to class," He said before turning to Billy. "Get to Class Mr. Hargrove. Now."

We walked out of the stairwell, and I turned to the bathroom. Billy reached for my hand and pulled me back to him with a smile. "Let me drive you home, after class," Billy whispered. "We can go to the quarry, to cheer you up a bit,"

I squeezed his hand lightly. "Please," I said softly.

He gave me one of those smiles again. He would only have that smile when it was just us, the one that lit up a room. "See you after Basketball practice then,"

"Wait," I stared at Billy for a moment, gobsmacked. "You joined the team?"

He turned to me one last time before heading down the hall. "Surprise Curls,"

I grinned from ear to ear. Billy stopped for a moment before turning around. "Calm down, or I will drop out."

He was joking, I knew that, but I also saw the smile on his lips and the pinkness in Billy's cheek. See you soon Mullet,"

The rest of the day was pretty calm. I had lunch with Steve and Ricky, Billy didn't approach me, but there was a juice box waiting for me at our usual spot. I was in the yearbook club, so I didn't mind waiting for Billy. I was walking towards the gym when Steve found me.

"Hey," I smiled at Steve as he walked up to me. "Are you feeling any better today."

"Did you know she was with him?" He asked me flat out.

I took a step back and looked at him. "Not till... this morning when I went to talk to Nancy, but it's not about ... what you think it is." I looked around. "Seems like she is investigating something,"

Steve nodded, but I could tell he wasn't happy. The door opened again; only this time, Billy walked out. He saw me immediately and began to head over with a smirk.

"Whatever we can talk about it on the way home," Steve said as he reached for my arm.

"Oh... um" I looked at my feet. "Billy is taking me home today." I gestured to Billy and began to step towards him.

"No, you aren't," Steve said loud enough for Billy to hear, while raising an arm between us. Billy stopped mid-step while I gave him a panicked look.

"Steve... come on, it's just a ride home," I said lightly.

"You... you didn't hear..." Steve began but then turned to Billy. "She isn't going home with you again. So pack it up now,"

"Steve," I grabbed his arm. "What the hell, man? What is going on?"

"I am sorry, Gene, but I don't trust him. Not the way he talks about women," He gave Billy a meaningful look.

I was surprised Billy didn't say anything. I looked to him with confused eyes. "Harrington." He said flatly. "This is not the same thing... I wasn't talking about Gene. I wouldn't do-"

"I don't care. I don't want you anywhere near my cousin," Steve turned back to me and grabbed my arm. "Get to the car now."

"Hey, don't touch her like that." Billy began to come forward.

"Guys, please stop," I said, turning to Steve while shooting Billy one last look, making sure he knew it was okay. "I will go home with you just... just stop please,"

"Fine," Steve said. "Let's go,"

"I need to talk to him," I said, "Just let me talk to him,"

Steve gave me a look. "I will meet you at the car." He said before stomping away. My cousin did not do angsty well, but damn he could pout.

Billy and I were left in the hallway alone with only our thoughts behind us. I turn to him with my hands up and eyes wide in confusion. "Billy, what happened?" I walked towards him.

"I... I said some shit." He said his eyes were fixed on Steve's back. I reached forward and tugged his jacket to gain his focus.

"What" I stared at him. "Billy, it's your turn to talk to me."

He gave a look. "It doesn't matter." He pulled from me and took a step back. "I got carried away. Get back to Harrington before he flips out."

As I watched Billy walk away, my heart reached out. It felt like I was losing him, and I didn't want to, I couldn't.

"Come see me tonight," I called after him.

He turned and gave me a look. "No, Curls, just be a good girl and do homework." Billy turned away again and began to walk down the hall.

I folded my arms but kept my stance. "Come visit me tonight, or I will walk to the quarry by myself in the dark,"

"Gene," Billy stopped midstride to face me, it did not look like he was teasing. "I am not playing a game."

"I am not either." I shot back, stepping closer to him. "Come on, Mullet, you don't back down."

"I am painfully aware," Billy said before he walked away without saying anything. I had no idea if he would show up tonight, but I wasn't going to just let him go.

I walked down the hall and marched straight to my cousin. "Steve," I growled. "You do not get to make choices like that for me."

"Yes, I do." He replied shortly. "After what I heard, that idiot say I do."

"What did he say?" I asked.

"He referred to women as bitches to start off," Steve said as we got in the car. "Then implied he was going to be screwing around with a lot of them,"

I rolled my eyes but couldn't help but feel a twinge in my heart. Jealousy, why jealousy? I knew why, but dammit WHY? "Okay, you do not get to make that argument,"

"Excuse me?"

"I heard the way you talked about girls before Nancy," I regretted bringing her up, but I had to stay to my point. "I learned more from you and Tommy than any porno could probably teach me,"

"Gross,"

"Yeah," I said. "So why care about it now,"

"Because-" Steve sputtered. "I just don't want to hear that about you," He was struggling to explain himself, "And you won't be the only one,"

I paused, "What do you mean?"

"Billy made it clear he plans do go after other women, and I am sorry, Genie, but I am not going to let you go through that. I see the way you look at him, you could not handle being just another girl."

I stared at him with my mouth open. "Steve," I said softly. "He... he doesn't mean anything when he talks like that,"

"How do you know? Other than your childhood, which he doesn't remember," If Steve was looking for my weak spot, he found it. It always angered me when I thought about Billy and our memories, did he really not remember, "What do you know about this guy?" Steve said back. "I am not trying to be that person who keeps you away from people... but can you honestly tell me Billy won't just throw you to the side when he gets whatever he wants,"

"I" I slumped back in my seat. "I am not even sure what I am to Billy, so I can't answer that. But I can say he gives a shit. I am not sure how or why or even what that means to him, but I trust Billy,"

"Why?" Steve asked. "What was he like in California?"

I looked out the window and thought. "Sometimes... Billy is the exact same person, and other times he is totally different." I smiled to myself. "I know who he is Steve, I am not an idiot. But I see things you haven't; it gives me a step up in understanding him. I don't know what you guys were talking about or who was around, but I can guarantee," I felt the heat rise to my face, thinking about the things Billy said to me. The way he touched me. "Billy wants to be there for me."

Steve sighed as he leaned back against his car. "Okay... fine, I am going to trust you... but I swear Gene. If he starts hurting you, I will tell all three of your brothers,"

I smiled and looked up at him. "Thank you, Steve, And I know why you are acting like this. I love you, and this won't be like last time... for either of us."

"Yeah, I don't have to worry about you dating my friend." He rolled his eyes.

When we got home, he stayed for a bit to eat with my parents. It had been a while since we had time to ourselves like this. When he finally left, the phone rang. I went to pick it up.

"Conte Residence," I said into the phone.

"Gene?" It was Max.