Chapter 14 New month.

(Nov 1st Sunday 2020)

Dear Diary...

Tell me why the HELL a potato chip can have it's own flavour and also taste exactly like a McDonald's fry? Honestly, That's exactly how I feel about life most half the time. Mom has just gone to pick up Nan Nan and take her to Kmart to look at something. I have no idea what it is! Adult stuff I don't know. I'm sitting on my bed leaning on my back with my knees up while reading "to all the boys I've loved before" by Jenny Han. Now! I will be honest here! I'm not the kinda girl who is interested in boys and drama. (even though I get into other people's drama problems at school...) I'm not that person or Teenager who "loves" Pepole easily. (B.o.y.s) for that matter. Even though having someone to call my own is what I CRAVE most for, It is something at the end of the day I'll never have. I don't know why but I'm just afraid to get into relationships because I've never "been loved" like that. I've seen bf and gf relationships in puplic and in movie's and I wonder what It feels like to be loved and love someone back. "Sadly" that won't and never will happen. *Sorry girls but we'll see.*

another hell week of school starts Tomorrow.

And I'm not really sure how to make amends with my life and myself. When I woke up this morning i saw my 6 year old self yelling in the middle of a Disney - Warner Bros theme park in a crowd screaming at me from a small distance saying the words "I HATE YOU!" then I woke up. I felt bad for myself and for my inner child. I guess I've been a really bad parent to my 6 year old "inner child self". I don't really know how to put this into words,

But that's the reason why I want to "Make amends" with myself so that can actually "be" the child I once was again. I don't know how I'm going to move on from all of what I've been through this year let alone my past.

all I can to is hope that 2021 is better.

that is what we all! can hope for now until the time comes...

- Sincerely

Hannah