Chapter 2

Freezing cold water... that's what I wake up to at 7 in the damn morning! It's like a blanket of evil covering my body.

"Mom, what the hell! It's too early!" She rolls her eyes at me and just continues to pull my blankets and sheets off of me, no matter how hard I'm fighting her, which is honestly not that effective because of how much I'm shaking.

"You have school and you have to leave here in 1 hour. Now... get.... Up!" She yells at me, finally getting my own sheets out of my grasp.

"You are seriously following through with this whole school thing?" I say, trying to keep warm even though both my clothes and bed are soaked with ice cold water.

"Yes, I actually meant it. You have to be there by 8:30am to get your school schedule." I realize there is no reason to fight with her because she is exactly like me, stubborn and feisty.... determined to get her own way. She leaves my room without shutting the door, thinking that if it's open, I won't try and go back to sleep. She doesn't know how wrong she is though, yet because of certain circumstances, I am not even going to test her right now. Plus, I couldn't even go back to bed even if I wanted to mainly because of the whole wet bed situation. So, I do what she does to me when she is fed up with my bull - slam the damn door. I slowly make my way towards my bathroom, careful not to move too much. I guess you can say the mornings are tough for me, in which my body is so stiff that the naive part of me is afraid it may just snap. Yet, I am not that dumb and have learned that a warm shower every morning helps loosen up my joints. I guess you can say that I know all of this from experience. By the time I am confident in my abilities to walk without wincing, I pull on my ripped jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt, being very cautious to pull the sleeves down well over my arms, feeling anxiety build up in the pit of my stomach when I just think about leaving the safety of my home and out into the world on my own for once. I guess I have been asking for more freedom, but not like this. Never like this.

I guess you can say I didn't really have a great experience with school in the past and would just really like if I never had to go back. I wasn't the popular kid. That's just how it was. I was more of the kid who preferred reading a good book in the corner of the playground or on a bench rather than spend my free time aimlessly on jungle gyms and talking about boys as if they were the only thing that mattered in the world. Because of my thoughts on the girl population and how they acted, I wasn't really liked by anyone. I was an outsider; an outcast that was shunned from the little community called middle school. I was miserable going every single day. Yet, how are you supposed to tell your own mother this when she was that exact popular kid that was making your life a living hell? From an outsider's perspective, my mom and I were almost exactly alike, yet our hobbies and personalities were completely different the more carefully you looked at everything. So, having to go back to school-let alone high school-and in the middle of the year not knowing anyone, it's going to be my living nightmare. I will be living my idea of hell. I unknowingly put on my black converse, in which it seems that I am so caught up in my own thoughts and worries that I can barely function on my own anymore. I walk down the stairs and see my mom making this big, extravagant breakfast, yet she knows I won't eat it. The perks of spontaneously acquiring an allergy to gluten and dairy.

"Ready for your first day of high school Audrey?" my mom asks me, setting down a plate packed full of breakfast foods that I can barely recognize due to all of the syrup on top. I push the plate away from me and just look up at her, half expecting for her to know by now what I can and cannot eat and knowing not to shove that in my face as a result.

"No, I'm not, but it's not like you care at all. I mean, you're the one who is forcing me to endure my biggest fear. And FYI, in case you forgot, I can't eat any of this, so you basically wasted your time." I grab my bag and the car keys on the table next to the door and just walk out, not waiting for my mother's response to my smartass of a mouth. Anywhere else and I probably would've been smacked straight on the mouth for the way I talked to her, but at this point I could care less. I start up the car my mom is letting me drive, and immediately some weird talk radio that my mom listens to started blaring through the speakers, making me cringe. I immediately turn off of the actual radio in general and flip to aux, letting me plug in my phone to play my own music. Almost right off the bat, "Poison and Wine" by the Civil Wars comes on and it's one of my absolute favorite songs, so of course I start singing along.

You only know, what I want you to

I know everything you don't want me to

Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

You think your dreams are the same as mine

Oooo, I don't love you, but I always will

I don't love you, but I always will

I always will

As the song continues, I am slowly moving closer to my destination. By that time, about 5 songs have played, and I am in the parking lot, ready to leave my car if I could muster up the courage to actually move my body. Before I leave the car though, I plug in my headphones to my phone and put both earbuds in to drown out the surrounding noises. I finally get out of the car just to realize how much of a mess my stomach is right now, probably because I haven't eaten anything yet today. But I do make it to the main office of the school and see a younger looking woman, possibly in her early 30's, working the front desk.

"How can I help you?" She asks, actually sounding happy.

"I am a new student. My name is Audrey Emerson." She starts clicking through her computer until she finds my name and starts printing out papers, or at least that's what I am guessing is happening because she has stopped talking to me. At least until she goes and grabs all of the papers off of the printer and starts to hand them to me.

"This is your schedule, and on the back is the map of the campus. First period is going on right now, but as you can see on your schedule, you don't have a first. So, you don't have to come until next period from now on. Also, when this period ends, come back here. We assigned you a school 'mentor' to show you around."

"Do I have to have a mentor?"

"Yes, it's school policy" the woman behind the desk says to me, sensing that she is getting annoyed by my attitude.

"Whoop-de-doo" I say, twirling my finger in the air and walking out. I guess you can say that now I am in school, my attitude has gotten a little bit worse, which is not good for anyone. I start hunting for the library, which is where I'm going to be spending most of my time I assume. I walk in and I can literally see the dust particles floating around, which shows how little this library is used. I walk up to the desk to get my textbooks, but the librarian is sleeping. So, I decide to slam my hands against the desk and she is scared awake and almost falls of the actual chair. I guess you can say, if I can't sleep, no one else can.

"What the fu-" but she stops herself when she realizes I'm a student. I just slightly wave my hand as a part of a sassy attitude kind of thing, completely unintentional. "What do you want?"

"Textbooks, but I don't really want them, but more so need them." She rolls her eyes at me and grabs my schedule out of my hands to see what I need. While she isn't looking, I flip her off. She slams the piece of paper back down to hand back to me, and she goes to grab every book that I will need. There are 5..... "Wait, where the hell am I supposed to keep them?!"

"Your locker" she says to me, like I am some stupid child. She walks away from me to probably go back to sleep, and I am stuck with 5 insanely heavy textbooks to bring back to my locker, which I don't even know where it is right now. I lug the books to where my locker is supposed to be, which turns out is all the way on the other side of the campus. By the time I get there, my arms were ready to fall off. There are these weird tingling sensations flowing through them and all I can think about is how I'm going to be in so much pain tomorrow. I look at my schedule and indeed see that I have AP English first. Yet, I realize that I have to meet with some stupid peer mentor to show me around. I make my way back to the office to see the same lady who helped me out before. I walk up to the desk and almost slam my water bottle on the surface.

"I'm here.... as was required. Now, where is this so called 'peer mentor'?" The lady at the front desk looks up at me and once she realizes who I was, she rolls her eyes and looks back towards her computer.

"Sit down over there, she should be here shortly." I grudgingly make my way over towards the line of chairs in the office. I am so close to leaving after 15 minutes, but decide to give this girl a few more, so I plug in my headphones and ignore the world. I am soon brought out my own little bubble by this tall, tan, and giggly girl tapping on my shoulder.

"Can I help you?" I ask, putting some of my annoyance into the tone of my voice, showing her that I don't really want to be here.

"I'm your peer mentor!" she exclaims, bouncing up and down on her heels. "Let's get to the tour!" I resistingly get up with my bag flung over my shoulder and follow her out of the office. "So this is the hallway, obviously. This campus is bigger, and so really it's all lockers and the classes are on the other side." I stop in the middle of the hallway and just look at her.

"I don't need a tour of the damn school. I figured out where everything was myself. I didn't even want a peer mentor." The happy girl turns around and walks towards me, and just smiles.

"I'm sorry. They basically told me what to do and this tour was the main thing. Are there any questions that you want to ask me?" I see her facade slowly fade away and I can see that she is an actual human being.

"Can you eat in the library?" She falters, but soon answers my question.

"No, the librarian gets on you when you bring any food or drinks in there. In all honesty, she scares me." I laugh but am disappointed because now I am going to have to figure out where to eat.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure she hates me already. Kind of talked back to her earlier."

"Not a good idea Audrey. Oh, and by the way, my name is Sam" and she holds out her hand for me to shake and I do to please her. "Wait, but why would you want to eat in the library?"

"Eh, I like to read" I say, partially lying.

"Look, you're going to make friends. I'm your friend. So, you are sitting with me and my friends at lunch!" Yet, before I can disagree, the bell rings and I have to get to AP English. She takes my schedule from me and realizes we don't have any classes with each other until after lunch. "I'm sorry I can't take you to your first class, but if you just go down this hallway, it is the last door on the right. Have a good day! See you at lunch!" and then she runs away. This girl can literally appear and disappear on demand. I just give up and walk to my classroom and hand my schedule to the teacher. Yet, the moment I sit down, the bell rings and the douchebag of a teacher makes me stand up at the front of the classroom to introduce myself. I roll my eyes and just cross my arms across my chest, showing that I don't want to do this.

"My name is Audrey Emerson, I'm 18, and I don't want to be here." A group of guys in the back echo 'hi Audrey' and I smirk. "Glad we are treating this like Alcoholics Anonymous. Can I sit down now?"

"No, you barely said anything. Say where you went to school before, and then some kids can ask questions." I glare at the teacher, and he notices but he seems like he doesn't give a shit.

"I was homeschooled since the beginning of high school." One person's hand goes up and I begin to hate this teacher more and more.

"Are you single? And if so, are you straight or lesbian?" I am shocked by his question, but I don't show it. So I do what I do best, I flip him off.

"Did that answer your question?"

"What, I was just asking."

"Why does it matter? I'm straight but it's not like I'm ever going to get with you, so that question was pointless." Everyone blows up, shocked at my outburst and the teacher looks absolutely pissed.

"Audrey, detention after school! Now sit down and everyone shut up!" I sit down and part of me is proud that I got detention on the first day. That will show my mom. I look up and the teacher is glaring at me, probably and vengeful towards whoever put me in his class. Maybe I even made him regret his career choice. And him glaring at me is how the rest of the class goes. After 3 hours, it's finally lunch. The rest of my classes weren't bad mainly because they didn't force me to introduce myself to the entire class. I am torn whether to go into the lunch room and meet up with Sam or follow my instincts and just head to the library. After about .2 seconds, I decide on the latter. Yet, I didn't decide fast enough because before I can even turn away from the bustling cafeteria, my arm is grabbed by a pink manicured hand. I slowly turn around and see Sam staring at me, knowing exactly what I was going to do.

"I told you that you are going to eat lunch with me. So, let's go" she tells me, dragging me towards the double doors that might as well lead to hell. And, I'm right, because the moment I step inside, the horrendous smell of mystery meat and spoiled milk waft through my nose, making me want to puke. "So, the lunch here sucks, unless you know exactly what to get. Thankfully for you, I am one of those people." We start walking towards the line and I am really regretting my life choices at this moment in time.

"I don't even know if I would trust those 'special' foods that are apparently not supposed to kill you." Sam just laughs and hands me a tray. I hesitantly take it and see what she's getting. That's when I notice what she is going to grab. Pizza, which is dripping grease, covered in cheese, and is everything I'm allergic too. Part of me doesn't want to take it, but I would have to tell her that I'm allergic to gluten and dairy, and probably explain that gluten is literally any kind of bread. The other part of me that seems to be winning, is telling my whole being to take it and eat it. When I walked through the double doors at the front of the school this morning, I told myself I wasn't going to let anyone know what the hell is going on with me. If I am forced to go to school, I am not going to get these sympathetic, pitiful looks the rest of the school year. Sam breaks me out of my trance by handing me a piece of pizza, and I take it, showing that the latter part of my brain won out.

"So, this is really the only good thing today. Yes, it's dripping grease, but I would rather eat this then get food poisoning from the so-called burgers they cook here." I laugh it off, a little bit, and follow her to her table. I see there are about 4 people there already, and it seems like I am going to have to be introduced to every single one of them. "Hey guys, so this is my new friend Audrey! She is new here, so play nice." She sits down and makes room for me next to her, and I just feel everyone staring at me.

"So, where you from new girl?" some tall, blonde guy asks me.

"This place called Earth. It's actually over exaggerated, not that great." They laugh at me, thinking that I am just sarcastic for the hell of it. Little do they know, that this is my actual personality. It's at that point that Sam decides to introduce everyone.

"Hey, so that dumbass is Steven, and next to him is his girlfriend Jennifer." I look at them and am shocked because they look like they should be jocks and cheerleaders. Steven is this tall, buff, blonde guy with bright green eyes. The girl next to her is also what they call, 'perfect'. She is tall, probably about 5'9" and she is tan, like she lays out under the sun for days on end. She is, of course, blonde and has baby blue eyes. She is the cliche teenage girl that you either read about in books or see in those teen romance movies. I turn to Sam, and she continues introducing everyone else. "This guy next to me, is my boyfriend Aiden" and her boyfriend is exactly like her, tall, even tanner than her, and dark brown hair. It definitely meshes well with her black hair. And they both have blue eyes. All of these people make me feel uncomfortable and out of place, especially with my curly, dark brown hair, pale skin that could almost pass for transparent, and my small stature of 5'5". The only thing that stands out about me is my bright green eyes.

"It's great to meet you guys" not meaning to put sarcasm into that. I guess it's just a force of habit.

"Hey, you didn't introduce me sis!" a voice says on the other side of the table by Jennifer. I look up and am absolutely shocked by what I see. I recognized the bright blue eyes and the dark brown hair, all attached to the man who kicked my foot when I collapsed on his lawn.

"Audrey, this is my brother, Zack. Don't worry about him, he's an asshole." I am shocked but I can't let him see that. I don't want to give him that satisfaction. So I smirk at him and give him a little wave.

"Nice to see you again. Just glad you aren't on my lawn this time."

"Glad you aren't kicking me in the damn leg" I say flipping him off. I guess you can say I felt pretty confident at that point in time.

"Wait, you two know each other?" I just shake my head and turn to Sam.

"Fortunately, no, I don't. I have to go though" I say, pretty short with her, and I leave the table without eating anything. I walk out of the cafeteria, just wanting to go home. I am done with this whole going to school thing, and it's only my first day. Then I forget that I got myself into after school detention. You have no idea how tempted I was to skip it. That's how upset I was. Yet, I decide to just go to the library, and read a book. I haven't read in months because every time I do, I get this massive headache, especially if it's on a screen. Yet, it's not like I have anything else to do. So, when I get to the library and pass the evil stares of the librarian, I scour the tens of bookshelves and it is actually soothing.

Before I got sick, I loved to read. I really loved anything that had to do with books. I also wasn't always from this small town of Ashland, Oregon. I was born and raised in Malibu, California. In my school career, I guess I was what you would call a nerd. All throughout my academic career, I got straight A's, never went out to parties, never did anything on the weekends like other kids my age, but then again, it's not like I had any friends to do stuff with. I guess I was a nerdy loner instead if you think about it. I have just had bad luck with friend groups, with them leaving me or.... worse. I guess you can say that's why I'm closed off to a lot of people. There are very few people who can get behind my walls that I have built up for the past 10 years. Now that I think about it, no one has gotten past my walls since sophomore year. Yet, I wasn't upset about it. I had my family and I had my books. My dad built bookshelves for me that were mounted to the wall when I was 12, mainly because my one tiny bookshelf wouldn't hold my 50+ books. I guess you can say I didn't really like libraries because if I wanted to reread books, which I did very often, it would be difficult and sometimes a hassle to re-check them out. So, when I had the money, I would buy whatever books I wanted at the time. I even was at a point where I only asked for books, bookstore gift cards, or money for books for my birthday and Christmas. I loved it. It was a passion of mine. There was a point that I wanted to become a publisher or an editor because I would get to read books for a living and help bring other people's dreams to life.

My thoughts are interrupted by the librarian coming up to me, glaring at me because she obviously remembers me. I decide to grab a book on the shelf in front of me, so I can just sit down and at that moment, and I see a book that leaves so many memories for me. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones by Cassandra Clare. I was 14 when I read it for the first time, and it changed my entire view on books. I was reading short, easy books to read. They were considered my age group, but I never listened to that suggestion. After I read this amazing novel, I wanted more. I read her entire series, and I couldn't go back to the baby books I was reading before. That's how I got into young adult novels, and even some adult ones as well. I pull it out of the dusty shelf, where it was lodged between two ratty books, basically saving it from turning into the books surrounding it. I dusted off the book and once I saw the cover, I could feel my entire face light up. I haven't physically held a book in so long.

After I got sick, I kept getting these migraines and headaches where I could barely look at my phone for 2 minutes without wanting to cry. I tried reading my books that I had in my small room, but it was the same experience for me, triggering a headache. It killed me inside, because this was my life. The Mortal Instruments was the last book I read, or reread, before I got sick, and it was the last series I finished, for the second time I might add, before my illness got so bad that I couldn't even look at the black words on the white page, almost mocking me, reminding me that I may never get back to the old life I once had. So, I did what I thought was right at the time. I had my dad pack up all of my books, everything book related, and we sent it to storage. We took down the bookshelves and my room felt empty, but it's not like I noticed at the time, because I had that same empty feeling in my entire body, feeling hollow. Everything went downhill from that point, I thought, realizing as I was going to sit down at a dusty, broken down table in the library. None of the doctors in Malibu could figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I was a medical mystery. They sent me to a bigger hospital in Los Angeles, which was about 33 miles away from my home, yet the traffic made the travel time about an hour. We drove that hour over and over again just to be screwed over. I saw some of the best doctors and they didn't know what was going on inside my body either. But instead of sending me somewhere else with more qualified physicians, they just decided to give me any diagnosis and send me on my way. So, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which is almost impossible because no teen gets that, let alone when they are 14 years old. But they didn't want to hear anything I had to say. Instead, they put me on medication for the pain, referred me to a therapist, and sent me home. I went through that same process over and over again with the same doctors or different specialists, believing I was making it up or decided to just prescribe me medication to 'deal with it'. When I was 17, my dad left. He told me that my mom and him were fighting constantly but I knew it was because he couldn't handle taking care of me anymore. The medical bills were piling up, I could barely walk up the stairs anymore, and they still had my little sister Katie to take care of. So, he left when things got hard, and I don't blame him. If I had the option, I would leave me too.

6 months later, my mom sold the house, divorced my dad, and we moved to Ashland, Oregon, hoping that another opinion either in Portland or even going to Seattle, Washington would do me some good. Plus, the weather is apparently better for my joints, but I honestly don't feel the difference. We haven't really gotten the chance to talk to any doctors or even try and get into one, but at this point I don't care. I feel like it's pointless, but I'm not going to tell my mom that. She wants me better, but I am starting to doubt that; I don't think I'm ever going to get better. Now, after 3 months of being here, I am at this hell hole, or I guess I should start calling it my school now. But I'm going to do anything to change that. I don't want to be here, and my mom is going to see that this was a huge mistake. But in the meantime, I'm just going to sit in this library, every day for as long as I can, and read, maybe becoming a little bit happier, if that is even possible anymore.

I open the book, and just the sound of it opening after a long time, the binding creaking against the strain it isn't used to, is absolutely heavenly. Just hearing the creak of the spine along the book, especially if it's a hardcover like this one is, makes my heartbeat speed up due to the feeling I am no longer used to. Usually there is the new book smell, like the smell you get when you walk into a bookstore. These are smells and sounds I haven't heard or smelt in years, making me remember some of the good things about reading, yet the bad memories come with them as well. Before I can even start reading, the bell rings, signaling that lunch is over and I have to get to class. Before I can talk myself out of it, I walk up to the librarian at her desk, and for some reason I picture her as the grim reaper, who is waiting for people to kill, in which if I go up to her, that may be my last action in this grim world. Yet, I risk it, by walking up to the desk, asking to check out the book.

"You?" she says, shocked I am even holding a book. "You want to check out a book? To read?" she says right after, maybe thinking that I didn't even know how to read in the first place.

"Yes, I, Audrey Emerson, want to check out a book. You know, to read. I don't know if you do that sort of thing, but if you can help me out so I am not late for class, that would be great" I say, annoyed with her at this moment, yet I kind of like this little banter. I guess you can say it has lightened up my day to have someone who is just as sarcastic as I am. Sad it's the school librarian, but hey, I'll take anyone I can get.

"Fine, give me the book" she responds to me, not even looking at me. I gladly hand over the book with a smirk on my face and she scans it to say that I've checked it out. She hands it over with a little receipt with the due date on it, basically pushing me out of the library and away from her desk. "Return it in two weeks or you will have to pay a fine."

"Will do," I pause looking for her name on a name tag or desk plaque. Anything. "Susan" I finally say, finding her name. I salute her while walking out with my back to the door. "See you tomorrow" and I walk out, finally out of the double doors, faintly hearing her sigh and say something vulgar that you should definitely not hear from someone working at a school, following me after I left the room. I go to my last two classes, but in all honesty, I am barely listening because I have done some of this stuff before. My very last class is math, or pre-calculus to be exact, and I've already learned this entire chapter and got an A on the test. So, I don't really pay attention to the lesson. Instead, my mind keeps going back to the book I have in my bag. Yet, my train of thought is quickly derailed by the guy who walked into the classroom, 30 minutes late might I add.

"Zack, you're late. This is your 3rd tardy, so I have to give you detention" the teacher says to the teen standing in front of him and I just sense a sarcastic response that's about to come out of his mouth.

"Come on teach, you don't have to do anything. You could let it slide. I have things to do after this." Before I can restrain myself, I mutter a few words that were apparently loud enough for him to hear.

"What, like football practice and pep rallies?" Zack turns towards me and I can see that he is amused by my behavior.

"I'm not your friend Zack, and so I'm not going to let it slide. Next time if you don't want detention, actually come on time." He writes him a pass for detention, which apparently gets you into it. Yet, I didn't get one because I have detention with my English teacher, who is the exact teacher who runs detention. I look up from my work and see Zack walking towards me and I am very curious as to why. Then I get my head out of the clouds of book world and see there is one empty seat next to me. Fuck my life.

"Nice comment Angel. Very clever, but I'm not a jock." I whip my head up at his little pet name for me and I am repulsed by it, almost making me sick.

"Piss off, and don't call me that. I know you're not jock but doesn't mean you don't look like it." I turn away from him, but apparently, he doesn't get the hint that I don't want to talk to him.

"But you are an angel, aren't you? I mean, look at you, doing the little work he assigned in class, just like a good student."

"This isn't the work from class, this is homework for next week. I already learned all this crap. Might as well start learning other things that could actually be useful to me." Before he can talk again, the bell rings and I quickly get up and walk out of the classroom, wanting to get away from him as much as possible. I fast walk towards my English classroom, after I decided that this detention sentence is the lesser evil between the two.

"What's going on teach? Give any other helpless students detention, or was it just me?" I say, trying to lighten the mood. He again glares at me, showing his deep dislike that seems to be festering, and it's all for me.

"Sit down Audrey, before I give you a week here." I do as I was told, but I am not going to stop talking like he probably wants me to.

"You just want spend more time with your greatest student, don't you?" I say to him, smirking because I find this fun.

"Stop talking Audrey!" I shut up, but then get up to hand him something. "What did I tell you?"

"I just wanted to hand in all the work you wanted me to make up as well as today's homework. It was really easy actually, it was just a bunch of reading and reflecting. I mean, I already read Pride and Prejudice, so I didn't find it too difficult." Mr. Bradley, my teacher, is completely shocked.

"How.... how did you finish this all in a day?" He says, basically stuttering his words. That's how shocked he is.

"I told you, I'm that good of a student" I say to him, walking away to work on other work so I can do other things when I get home. Yet, of course I get distracted when another student walks through the door to the classroom.

"Miss me so much that I had to get detention for not showing up to your boring class?" Zack, of all people, say to Mr. Bradley.

"Go sit down. I'm sure you and Ms. Emerson should get along just fine. Well you would if you could talk."

"Damn, ruining my game teach." Yet, he turns around and walks towards me and the chair that is right beside me. "Hey angel, long time no see. Miss me?" I turn towards the front of the classroom and just can't believe that this day could get any worse. Fuck my life. Apparently, the universe hates me so much that I just can't get a break.