Blind days

After that wonderful first date I had with Fabian, I had to concentrate on my studies, just like him.

We called each other several times during the day and the week.

Sometimes we couldn't talk because we both had exams, and that took up most of our time; he said that I shouldn't worry too much about it, since I was very intelligent and, I must say that he was right, learning some texts wasn't a great difficulty for me. Despite my accident, my ability to study had not changed.

+ Incoming call +

- Hello? - I answered.

- Valentina? - asked the voice of a man on the other end of the call.

I did not answer.

- Vale, this is Ricardo - said that voice, identifying himself.

- Ah! Hello! - I said.

- I was calling you because I had a question and I wanted you to clear it up for me - he answered.

- Tell me - I answered.

- Is it true that you're going out with that guy... Eros? - ended the sentence.

I didn't know who had told him, nor was I interested in telling a stranger about my life, but I decided to respond with the sincerity that characterized me.

- Yes, but I don't know why that would be such an important matter for you to call me, especially at this hour. - I said seriously and coldly, because it was already midnight.

- I see that you still don't remember, just for that I will forgive you, but I will still give up what we had because I cannot share you. - he answered and hung up.

I did not understand why he became like that, since I lost my memory I stopped understanding many things.

Ricardo was a strange guy, he treated me as if I was his property, maybe that's why he says we dated, but what if we dated and didn't have a relationship, because he thinks I'm his property?

He once told me:

- You used to show more interest, but you never looked at me the way you look at him, or treated me the way you treat him.

Then I began to notice my feelings for Eros, but in spite of those beautiful feelings I had for him, I couldn't help thinking that by kissing him I could remember him, and that if it happened again I could hurt him.

But... How did I look at Eros? He had never mentioned anything about my look.

I decided to stop thinking for a moment about my love life and start studying. Tomorrow I had a very important exam and I had very few hours to learn the last topics we had seen in class.

I had studied all night, and had only managed to get two hours of sleep.

The next day, coming out of the horrible exam, but despite the fact that it was very difficult, I managed to solve it perfectly, I was waiting for Eros's call; because he had written me very early to wish me luck and to tell me that he would pick me up.

(Cell phone rings)...

- Hello? - I answered the call, without fixing the number or name of the contact.

- Hello beautiful, don't you have my number saved, have you finished your exam? - answered that voice.

- Hello Eros - I answered embarrassed.

- I'm sorry, I just answered without noticing who was calling me - I added.

- Don't worry, you've always been a little distracted - he replied with laughter.

- Have you? - I added something surprising.

- Well yes, but, we are deviating from my main question Valentina, did you finish your exam already? - he answered with laughter, again.

- Huh? Oh! Yes, I've finished it, otherwise we wouldn't be talking right now, would we? - I answered, trying not to laugh.

- Right, so, how about not making me wait any longer and come to the main door of your university? - he replied cheerfully.

- I'm already going, I'll see you there - I ended the conversation.

At that moment, I was with Antonella comparing some notes from the exam, apparently it was the first time she was doing well on one.

- So... Eros, eh? she said, hitting me with her elbow.

- Ah? what do you mean? - I asked naively.

- Come on Valen, you can fool everyone except your best friend - she said in a pleading tone to tell him what she was waiting for.

The truth is, as time went by and I still didn't remember, Antonella was the one I could trust; I know Eros was too, but now we were "dating".

- Well... What do you want me to say? He and I went out, we already had our first date and... - I was counting.

- First date? but you never have a first date - she said in surprise while laughing.

- Well, you do now, and believe me, it was the best first date anyone ever wanted to have - I'm done.

- Well Valen, it seems that this guy loves you, and wants the best for you, in fact, I don't think anyone has ever done you better than him, you've changed a lot - exclaimed Antonella.

- Everyone says that, it must be the best decision I've ever made - I added.

- Yes, because, compared to Ricardo, Eros makes you a better person - she concluded.

Was Ricardo bad, did he make me a bad person, what have I lived through with him, were the new questions that flooded my thoughts.

Should I know Ricardo's point of view? I don't know.

The only thing I can say is, Eros makes me a better person, he knows me so well that it's like he reads my mind, he loved me the way I was, he loves me the way I am now, and he always supports me. I don't think I'll ever find someone like that in my life again.

I think that life decided to give me a second chance, and this made me change, made me see my life from another point of view, made me better, even made me fall in love again with the same person.

I don't think my accident was a mistake, I think it was a blessing.

Maybe later I will talk to Ricardo about what we experienced together, about what happened to us, but, everything I feel for Eros will not change, even though Ricardo wants to try, and he is always talking to me and wanting to force things, my feelings will not change.

I must have liked the bad guys before, is that why I ended up with Eros? I don't know, and I wouldn't want to know now either.

Before I had the chance to know a lot about myself, to know things that maybe I wouldn't like but, now that I have the chance, I don't want it.

I'm happy as I am now.

A few days ago I went to see a doctor, she told me that if I didn't remember it was because of some trauma I had, that I couldn't remember myself.

What is it that I don't want to remember, what am I afraid of, am I choosing to be like this, without remembering? Well, the only concern I have at the moment is losing Eros, remembering how badly I treated him, is that what I'm so afraid of?

Coming back to reality, I remembered that Eros was waiting for me and I had already taken too long talking to Antonella.

- Excuse me, I have to run, Eros is waiting for me! - I shouted as I ran towards the entrance.

I couldn't hear what he said, his voice was lost in the crowd.

- Eros! - I managed to say with the little breath that was coming out of my being.

- Hey! Late as usual - he said, looking at me with a warm smile.

How can he smile when I left him waiting a long time?

- Is something wrong, little one? - he asked, bringing his face closer to mine so he could see my doubtful expression better.

- Huh? No, not at all - I answered blushing from having his face so close to mine.

- All right, then, shall we go? - he said, as he stood up straight.

Eros didn't have any classes today, but he still decided to come and get me.

Isn't that nice?

We were heading to his car when suddenly...

- Eros? - asked a female voice.

Eros turned around and the expression on his face changed.

- Lana - he answered seriously.

- What is your life? I haven't heard from you in a long time. - she said trying to strike up a conversation with him.

Lana, who was she, a friend, an ex-girlfriend, why had he never mentioned her before?

- Well, if you'll excuse me, I can't stay to talk; you see, I'm with my girlfriend and we were just leaving - he answered politely.

Did he say girlfriend, did he call me his 'girlfriend', is this really happening?

- Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt, shall we meet again sometime to talk? - she said, surprised but politely.

- I don't think so Lana, we have nothing to talk about. - he said, keeping his serious expression.

- Just think about it, remember there are things we never clear up - she stressed.

- I remember well that when you decided to cheat on me, 'talking' was not in your plans, let alone mine - replied Eros, ending the conversation between the two.

How could anyone have been able to deceive you, how could you have dared to do that to him?

Eros took me by the hand and made me get into the car immediately, he was angry.

- Is everything OK? - I asked, surprised by what was happening.

- (Silence)

- I, she... she hurt me a lot - he said with a sigh.

- It seems you still have feelings for her - I said sadly.

- No, I don't feel anything for her, I just don't think I deserved everything she did to me, you know? - he said firmly.

Of course he didn't deserve everything he did to her, I just felt like hugging him, kissing him, and telling him that everything would be okay, that I was by his side.

I hugged him and looked him straight in the eye.

- You have me - I whispered.

- (smiled)

I kissed him, this time it was me who did it; something strange started to happen the moment I kissed him; they were memories, the memories of my life were coming back.

It was the second time this happened, why only when I kissed him do I remember?

Damn thoughts.

I feel that I love him, and I want to kiss him, but every time I kiss him I remember and, to be honest, I'm afraid of those memories.

I stepped aside to stop remembering.

- What's going on? - asked the surprised man.

- Nothing, just... I think you bit me - I said, pretending to laugh.

- Oh, sorry - he said with a laugh to hide his shame.

- Don't worry - I said laughing as I thought about what had just happened inside.

I sat down and noticed this girl, Luciana? Luna? Lorena? I remembered! Lana! She was watching us, I felt a little disturbed.

Amongst my lazy memories they were coming back, I didn't remember that anything similar had ever happened to me. That girl was weird.

Eros started the car, backed it up and left the parking lot.

We drove to a fast food place, because we both loved junk food.

- So... you gave a good test - spoke Eros, breaking the ice.

- Yes, it was hard but I could handle it - I replied.

- So... you deserve a prize for it... - he said mysteriously.

- What kind of award do you mean? - I answered intrigued.

- One that will make us both happy - he said.

- What do you have in mind? - I quote.

- What do you think about going to camp? - he proposed.

- Where would we go? And, just the two of us? - I asked intrigued by the proposal he made.

- Well... we would go to a forest, and no, we wouldn't both go, I was thinking of inviting your best friend Antonella and my best friend Ryan, what do you think? - he mentioned.

- That's fine, but you'll have to talk to my parents - I reminded him.

- No problem, I'll talk to your parents and you talk to Antonella, okay? - he mentioned.

- Done! - I concluded.

After that conversation, a song began to play in the place where we were meeting, I never asked for the name, but I remember some fragments, they said: "I can't find the words, to express that I love you; I don't know how to explain that you make me feel. ..and with that smile, that changes your life, you looked this way...destiny does not want to see us pass by...and how to tell you, that I do not want this love to be temporary...destiny does not have to matter to us...I do not know how to be myself if you are not by my side..."

Coincidence? I don't know, but those words meant a lot, for me they meant my story with Eros and the fear I felt to remember that I didn't love him and I loved someone else was eating me up inside.

I couldn't forgive myself for not choosing him, for not loving him when I had the chance.

If he knew what was happening to me, he would suffer, and I don't want him to suffer for me again.

I can't afford it.

Eros doesn't notice my distraction, he doesn't notice that I think about something else, that I worry, and if he notices it, he doesn't make it obvious so as not to embarrass me. His eyes tell me that if I left him, he couldn't bear it and... (sigh) I couldn't either.

The hours went by and he had already left me at home, he had even talked to my parents about the camp.

I was still immersed in those words of that song, I wrote them down in my notebook and tried to look them up on the internet. It was the song 'Como Mirarte' by Sebastian Yatra. He definitely knew how to write a song.

How could I ever look at Eros again when I remembered everything, how could I ever kiss him again when just doing so would make me remember that I don't love him, my memories would make me reject him again, why did this have to happen to me?

My heart was squeezed with sadness, my throat was in a knot, I couldn't bear the thought of not loving him.

(sobbing)

I can't stop loving him.

At this moment I need a hug, I need his arms, those warm arms that can comfort any soul, that give you the assurance that everything will be all right.

I need it.

He has become a drug for me, because my body refuses to let go of him.

I need him.

Is this my punishment, to love him as I do now and not have done before?

In the past I was blind to let him go, and now that he is back in my life, I am the one who is afraid of losing him, it is not just him anymore. It is me too.

I know I did him wrong, I understand that perfectly, but I don't want to lose the best thing I have, the best thing that could have happened to me in my life; why didn't I know how to love him before so that this wouldn't have happened?

I no longer have the head to think about anyone else, I cannot study, I cannot concentrate on anything but him.

Not every decision is easy, but I have to find the solution so I can remember and stay with him. I know I'm old, but I would have liked my life to be like a fairy tale, so that nothing bad would happen.

How I wish there was nothing in the world but our love, that there were no worries, that no one existed but us.

Will what I am going through be my karma?

He seems happy with the idea of us being together, why would karma do this to me, why would it do this to him?

I feel like my heart keeps breaking, breaking.

I feel like I'm going to run out of tears after today.

I think it's best if I don't see him for a few days.