Here and Now

I can't be thinking this. My mate! My mate I finally found him but what do I do next? How do I make myself better for him?

My mate is the other half of my soul. So Why can't I just go up to him. God I wanna go up to him Kiss him, touch him, he's my entire world and I just meet him. How do I get him out of my head. Last time I couldn't get some one outta my head it cost me my Dad. Will it cost me my mom this time? I can't do it losing her it'll break me but what if losing Alessandro breaks me all the same.

"Faith did you hear what the teacher said?" Elena asked tapping the desktop

"Uhhh Yea sorry kinda was lost in my thoughts." I try to sound happy but I can sense the sadness under my words and I think she can too, if use does she ignores it and says

"She told us to write a essay about making a decision that made a impact on our lives for the worse or the better."

Right a decision that impacted my life good or bad. I mentally roll my eyes because all my choices so far have made all the worse impacts in my life. I'm starting to wonder if it's just me that makes the things worse or if it's just pure coincidence; because it's starting to feel like I'm the common problem.

Yea I'll write an essay about my choices and that'll just make it worse because I'm reliving everyday already. They play on a constant loop in the back of my head taunting me. Now I have to put into words how much my choices have made my life the worse; my mom lost her mate because of me her husband, her other half, her forever.

"Yea this should be fun." I half whisper to myself

"What did you say?" Elena asked already jotting down her introduction paragraph.

"Nothing. Just how much I'm going to loving doing this!" Fake happiness is all I can describe as to what just came out my mother.

"I know right!" Elena's so happy why can't that be me.

What if my last chance of happiness is with my mate. But what if he leave me once he founds out how disgusting I am, how dehumanized I am sometimes. I'm this way because of all my choices. I'm scared of myself because I can't control it sometimes it just happens.

Losing my mate, my family I know that'll break me but how can I stop something that feels like it's set in stone. Those life changing decisions that I made earlier on they will define for the rest of my miserable life because I hate myself for being so naive and selfish. I hate it; Myself Why am I even still here.

My heads spinning and before I can react I'm falling into to darkness, not that it scared me I welcomed it with open arms.