BRING ME BACK TO LIFE

Bell ~

I wished with all my heart, but nothing happened. I even drew a ~ ❤at the end of my wish.

20X - I was done wishing for Bell. I was going to save myself, even if I didn't know how. I wondered how Dad was going to make this okay. I wondered how he was going to tell Mum... Dad was so dead.

But why was I hoping to be saved by someone else again? Didn't I say I would save myself?

21X - I couldn't save myself. I didn't even know where I was. Was it some kind of spell? Maybe a warlock trap? Maybe I was dream traveling... Maybe I was really dead. I think this notion had struck me more than once, but just as with all the other times, I stuffed it aside. I won't accept my death until I saw my stone cold body with my own eyes.

22X - I decided to distract myself with less morbid thoughts... But I ended up thinking about all the foods I wanted to eat. It was either food or the prospect of being stuck here forever.

It started innocently with ice cream. For the longest time, I would answer that my favorite flavor was chocolate, but I had stopped ordering chocolate for years.

I liked vanilla more. And if there were a tea flavor like earl grey or Macha, I would pick that. And if I could choose any flavor of ice cream at all - and not just from the range available in the shop/fridge, it would be macadamia nut and only one specific brand of it.

If Lala ever got out of this, I must go back to that fancy Snow Cap Café and eat every flavor. YOLO, you know. And if Sam ever got back to my Original Timeline, I was eating a full pint of macadamia nut ice cream, even if I had to send Ki/Ben/Harvey all the way to Gate City to search the large supermarkets and all the specialty stores for the exact flavor.

There was a reason why I didn't eat it as often as I would have liked, but its rarity made its appearance even more delicious.

23X - I'm glad I numbered my X's, or I would have lost count.

Besides ice cream, I also hadn't tried all the flavors of doughnuts.

Wait, stop... Were these my only regrets? Not eating enough flavors of deserts? O.o

If these were my dying thoughts, I sounded like a total foodie. Also, my dying thoughts seemed to span forever.

24X - I listed all the food that I would like Ki to cook again. Including that spicy slipper lobster dish, which was really Barry's cooking. And then I added Mum's Mac and Cheese and Salmon and mash because I liked those too.

Okay, I would stop thinking with my stomach now. I mean, it would be kinda embarrassing if these were my last thoughts. Not that anyone was listening... Just that I had always thought I was deeper than that.

[8 Xs later…]

32X - I finally straightened out all my food related thoughts. Now I was certain that the best burger had to be Samburger at the Langston. At least that was what my mind said. My heart still believed the ones from the Packhouse Kitchen during our Summer BBQs were the best, but mostly because of all the happy feelings that came with it.

Like the summer breeze on the Packhouse porch, and my friends laughing over one thing or the other, and eating a hot mess of burger and ketchup and mayo while clutching napkins with a lemonade or coke in the other hand.

And guess what? Lala's favorite memories were Summer BBQs at the Packhouse too. (But she liked watermelon.)

33X - Remember all the times I complained about Ki making fancy versions when all I wanted was a plain ham and cheese sandwich? Well, I changed my mind. I would NOT prefer a plain ham and cheese sandwich after all. All of Ki's versions of it were better.

34X - I was determined to stop thinking about food now. I don't even know why... Alright, I knew why. It's because if I thought about anyone properly, I would surely cry. I had never felt so alone in my life and it bothered me a lot more than I would like to admit.

But surely there would come a point when I would run out of food to think about.

[28 more Xs later…]

62X - I don't know how long I had been walking for. It could be hours or days... Maybe even years.

I don't know why I was still walking. It was just something to do. I wondered if this was what my life looked like, just filled with landscape and stuff, but essentially a blank slate.

And now that everything's gone... I'm lost. Maybe I'll be lost forever.

63X - Maybe I was trapped in a tree - like the warriors in Red Cloud, just floating like a white must until someone chops me down and makes a drum to send off the departed.

Except I didn't believe in ghosts... And we didn't have strange night time mist hanging about our trees in the Green Packlands.

Our trees and forests were very un-haunted. The Lorents were a different story. I guess all our ghosts were staying with them.

I mean, if there really were such things as ghosts (which there weren't.)

64X - Luckily, my blank space was so bright and white and empty that it wasn't even the slightest bit spooky, at least not in a Scobey Doo way.

I tried to think of a movie to describe the white nothing space. I was sure there had to be one, but then again, it probably wouldn't be the type of movie I'd watch... You know, where a person walks in an empty white space for hours just contemplating life (or in my case food.)

65X - I usually ate food, not contemplate food. Just like I used to live life, and not contemplate life. I wondered if my approach was wrong. Maybe I was so un-contemplative that the goddess decided to stick me in this empty space so that I could catch up with my homework.

I imagined it might be like a composition that every wolf had to write to answer "What is the meaning of life?"

Which I hated too, because the answer was always either "no one knows" or "it's different for everyone." I hated answers like that. They were totally unhelpful to me.

66X - Maybe if I come up with some epiphany or answer to the meaning of life, I would pass the test and break free of this white space. Like, yes, I was totally just making it up now.

I had no idea who set this test. Maybe nobody would care at all what answer I came up with. Maybe I was really all alone here with no one to care about what I thought or felt or learned. Why should anyone care anyway? I thought about my previous life - both Sam's and Lala's, I was surrounded by very caring wolves. I don't even know why they bothered. Because I was the Alpha? Because I was the next generation? Because they were just good wolves who took care of others?

I think the most valuable asset in our pack were the wolves who ran in it. I know many Alphas liked to say this in their speeches, but I think it wasn't just about our combined united strength, abilities, or tax contribution. In my pack anyway, my best wolves were the ones who genuinely cared about the wolves around them. The wolves who volunteered their time to teach pups at Lycan Study Group, the wolves who worked in the Packhouse Kitchen to feed anyone who walked in, the wolves who trained hard to be stronger so they could run the patrols and protect the pack, the wolves who stopped to help pups get kites/frisbees/balls out of the trees, the wolves who physically stepped in to break up a fight, the wolves who packed food for their neighbors, knitted beanies for the pups in their neighborhood, helped shovel snow and rake leaves, took turns to car pool… even the wolves who didn't mind their own business whenever they noticed young wolves heading out for trouble… these wolves were worth their weight in gold.

Because wolves were meant to run in packs just like this.

67X - The best and only casserole in our pack was by Mama Rosa. Sometimes, she would send one over to the Alpha House form the Packhouse Kitchen, but most of the time casseroles by Mama Rosa were for families who were moving/renovating/painting their home, or having a new baby, or if a warrior was injured, or if a pup had his first shift in the morning. A lot of my friends hated casseroles, but Mama Rosa's casserole was the exception to the rule. It was very mysterious too because no one ever knew exactly what meat was in it.

My own Mum almost never made casseroles. I remembered one of her attempts quite vividly. I had taken a single bite and told her it tasted like a zombie cabbage died in it (the pinkish minced stuff was cabbage brain). Mum was not amused.

Dad said I should be grateful for food.

"Is it, though?" I asked because I was in Middle School and felt like I was old enough to show some attitude.

Dad was not amused either.

It was probably one of the least enjoyable meals I had with my family (even though it wasn't the worst thing I had ever eaten), but I realized that my attitude wasn't making anyone around the table happy at all. After that I gave up showing my cool Middle School attitude around at home… I did write about how no one understood me and some emo stuff like that, but then I forgot about it entirely.

I had very short lived and mild teenage rebellions. I mean, it was much more fun being a puppy and getting ice cream because I was good and ate my greens. And to be fair, Mum wasn't a terrible cook. She didn't make a Moshiro production out of every meal the way Ki did, but her food was yummy, and I quite liked eating with my family.

68X - My Mum and Dad did pretty good - even if Dad did drop me on my head when I was a small pup, off the back of his bike, probably while chasing down rogues, and cracking my head on the road. Wow… haha. If Mum ever found out, Dad was going to be so dead. That is, unless he was already so dead because she found out that I died at my first shift because Dad alpha commanded me not to.

The next time someone tells me, "Your Dad is mad." I'm gonna just nod and answer, "I know."

He was lucky I'm so lucky. How did I even survive till now?