Chapter 15

Sirius took a deep, fuming breath and shakily returned to his seat once Harry stormed from the kitchen. Several of the Order members looked around to one another, each unsure of what to say.

Finally, of course, it was Sirius who spoke.

The man looked down at the cup of tea before him.

"I am glad that the previous interpretation was wrong," he said quietly. "Harry living through this war is more than I could have ever hoped for."

Several of the others agreed with nods or hums.

"We all understand your concern, Sirius," Molly said. "Although, I do think your animosity towards Severus is unwarranted. He did not ask to be part of this prophecy. And, knowing him as the private man he is, I am sure he is as uncomfortable with this revelation as you are."

Severus could hear each person turn their head towards him. He looked up. All eyes on him.

"It has been unexpected," Severus agreed begrudgingly.

"Do you believe this connection between you will dissolve once the prophecy has been fulfilled?" Kingsley asked.

"I could not know."

"I am sure," Albus began, as if to himself. "That Severus will not act immorally in any way."

"So, you're in love with Harry." It was Remus who spoke, although by the looks on the other faces, Remus asked for all of them.

Severus had scarcely admitted as such to himself. How could he admit it to this group of people to whom he owed nothing?

"I believe what is important is strategy at the moment, not speculating on my emotions."

Remus stood from the table and dismissed himself politely from the meeting.

"Quite right," Albus agreed. "I have some thoughts, however I'd like to allow all of you a couple of days to mull over your own ideas so that we may rejoin and begin to formulate."

As if Albus hadn't spoken at all, Sirius said, "If this love you claim to have for my godson is at all of a romantic nature, I'd just like to make it clear that you should stay away. Whether or not Harry cares for you, you know as well as we do that you aren't good enough for him. How could you ever be? If you care about him, then you will want what is best for him. You are not what is best for him." Sirius spoke calmly, as if reciting well known facts.

It was a fact.

Severus was not deserving of Harry. And it terrified Severus that the feelings Harry had for him were a cosmic joke. As loathe as he was to agree with Sirius fucking Black, he knew the best thing for Harry was to get the young man through this blasted war, and then leave him be to live his life as fully as possible. Severus was antisocial, bitter, old. Harry, without doubt, would be better off without him.

Still, he couldn't allow Black to have the last word.

"I think it is for Harry to decide what is best for him. He is, after all, a man now."

"A man who is still your student," Sirius said with a forced calm.

"For three more months," Severus said, smirking, even at 38 years of age, he couldn't help but to goad his adversary.

"Even then," pure anger was plainly visible in the man's eyes. "You have no future with him. I will make sure of it."

Severus had had enough. Following Harry's lead, Severus stormed from the kitchen.

"Come, Harry. I'm taking you home."

Harry's eyes lit up and he stood immediately.

Severus squeezed Harry's hand as they were pulled through the floo.

They stepped together into Severus's sitting room.

Books were scattered over his coffee table, some passages were indicated with small notes next to them in ink. Hermione had been there. Severus still believed her to be insufferable, but she was indispensable to him as well. She had a bright future ahead of her, he was sure of it.

Harry turned towards Severus.

"I'm sorry about Sirius. I'm sure he's the one who set you off just then."

"Mm."

"What did he say to you?"

"The truth."

Harry furrowed his brow quizzically.

"Severus, I love you. I won't-"

"- Stop. Please stop."

Severus didn't really want Harry to stop. He wanted to hear his words. He wanted to feel Harry close to him. He wanted to feel the quiet peace of reading together as they once had in the safehouse. Severus wanted to hold Harry tight, keep him safe.

Severus wanted to make Harry happy, but he knew he would never be able to. To guard his own heart, and protect Harry's, he had to end it immediately.

"But, Severus." The look of heartbreak and absolute desperation in Harry's brilliant green eyes made Severus want to vomit. He hated to be the one to make Harry feel this way, but it had to done.

"I need you to go to bed. We cannot walk the halls together. You cannot be in my rooms. I can't... I can't even look at you without inciting rumors."

Severus couldn't look at Harry without wanting to kiss his adorably plump lips.

Harry's lip trembled. His eyes began to turn red, threatening to overflow with tears.

"I can't be away from you. It hurts me. It physically hurts me."

"You will live."

"If all of this is because of something my godfather said, then maybe you really are the coward I thought you were."

Severus swallowed hard. "Get out."

He might not be accustomed to romantic feelings, but Severus knew pain quite well. And, fuck, this hurt.

As Harry took his leave, Severus felt that his knees would buckle and he'd fall to the ground. He wasn't sure how long he stared at the door after Harry'd walked through it.

Pushing himself through the bitterness, he took a seat in front of the books Hermione had left out for him and got to work.

The notes were all of various natures and leads. Severus struggled to make sense of it all and made a mental note to seek out Hermione later to discuss her ideas.

About the time he closed the last book and put it at the top of the stack, his Dark Mark burned fiercely.

Severus ran a hand over his face. He was too tired for this tonight.

He pulled on his outer robes, buttoned them as high as they'd go and walked through the dark to the perimeter of the grounds so that he could apparate directly to the Dark Lord's side.

The Dark Lord was alone, Pettigrew puttering about outside of the door. The abandoned house was dark and dusty. Voldemort must be growing paranoid because each time he'd called upon Severus lately, he was in a new hiding place.

Severus fell to one knee and bowed to the monstrosity of a man before him.

"My lord."

"Severusss. I feel that the old man is planning something. I sense it. Tell me what it is!"

"I fear I do not know, my lord. I feel his plans as of late are mostly of a defensive nature."

"Good. Good. This is what I like to hear. Now tell me, faithful servant, tell me why you taught the boy Occlumency? I have no connection left to his mind."

"I was ordered to do so, my lord. However I did not expect him to actually learn. He's a dunderhead at best."

Severus dared to look up from his kneeling position into the ghostly snake-eyed face. Voldemort looked doubtful and speculative. He raised his knobby wand and Severus braced himself.

"Crucio!"

Severus lost count of how many times the Dark Lord cast the spell over him before he lost consciousness.

Severus snapped awake, jolting himself into a sitting position. He was in his own bed, but how? His entire body thrummed with raw pain. He slowly pulled the blanket off of his body and stood shakily.

In his sitting room, Harry slept on his sofa. His glasses were skewed on his face, but otherwise looked beautifully peaceful.

Severus hobbled towards Harry, who had one leg crooked over the back of the sofa, and one dangling over the edge.

He gingerly removed his glasses, folded the arms, and laid them on the coffee table. He kissed the man's forehead, then summoned a blanket to lay over him.

Severus then made himself comfortable in his chair, with one of Hermione's books in his lap.

Despite the immense pain throughout his body, reading over research with Harry's deep breaths as background noise, was perhaps the calmest he'd felt in days. He'd be content to spend his life like this, but knew it was an impossibility.

Severus woke just in time for breakfast, still in his chair with a book splayed over his thighs.

Harry was gone, the blanket he'd used was folded and placed to the side.

Just as Severus finished his morning tea at the staff table, Dumbledore asked him to follow him to his office.

"Severus, I believe I was clear about Harry's curfew."

"You were, Headmaster. I was called last night by the Dark Lord. I am not sure how, but I awoke in my own bed and Harry was sleeping in my sitting room. I simply let him sleep. I didn't see the harm."

"The harm, my boy, is the impropriety of a student sleeping in your personal quarters."

"You are the one who initiated this. You insisted I babysit him at nights. Here we are: we've gotten past our animosity as you so desired. If it seems improper, then you are the one who must shoulder that blame. He only feels safe with me and I'm sure you can understand why."

"I am not asking anything of you except that you have Harry in Gryffindor tower before his curfew each night and that the two of you behave in a manner befitting of a student and professor. Get him through this battle, through this school year, and then what you do will not be my concern."

Severus stood, sure that this meeting was over- that Albus had only wanted to chastise him.

"Severus. I hope you understand my worries. I wouldn't have chosen this path for the two of you."

"No one would have."

"I'm sure loving Harry is not easy."

"It is too easy. That is the problem."

Severus had an overwhelming amount of work waiting for him.

He worked over his desk for the better part of the day, determined to have a productive Sunday.

Severus finished the last of the third year essays and reached for the second year scrolls. As he did so, his bracelet vibrated briefly, followed by a muted POP.

It startled Severus to see Harry standing at the other side of his desk.

His confusion must have been plain on his face because Harry raised the bangle around his wrist in explanation.

"That is not the purpose of the bracelets."

"I know, but I had to see you and I didn't want to risk anyone seeing me come down here."

"You have your invisibility cloak."

"And yet how many times have you still caught me out of bed with me wearing it?" Harry grinned apologetically.

"This is dangerous. What if I had been with Voldemort, or Dumbledore?"

"The map. I was careful."

Harry walked slowly around the desk and fell to his knees in front of him. Severus felt his jaw drop and his heart stutter. Harry on his knees before him was not an uncommon motif in his dreams lately.

Harry's lips quivered. He took a deep, shaky breath and laid his head against Severus's knee.

"You scared the fuck out of me last night."

He couldn't stop his hand from reaching out and running his fingers through Harry's mess of hair.

"Is that why you slept in my rooms last night?"

"Yes." Harry sniffled. "When I found you-"

"You-?! You're the one who returned me to Hogwarts?"

Harry lifted his head and stared up into his eyes. "I tried. I did try. I laid in my own bed, I wasn't going to bother you. But then my bracelet started burning. I activated the portkey and it brought me to you. You were in some abandoned house. You were bleeding from your ears and," Harry's breath hitched. "And I thought you were dead!" Harry wailed. "I was terrified! I was finally able to feel a pulse and I brought you back to your rooms."

"Do you realize how dangerous that was? I was with the Dark Lord last night, Harry! What if he had still been there? He could have killed you!"

"I don't care! I'd risk everything to keep you safe! Life without you wouldn't be worth living anyways!"

Severus scoffed bitterly. "Do you hear yourself? 'Life wouldn't be worth living' without me? Your old, angry, hateful, ugly potions master..."

The tears that Harry'd been expertly holding back finally escaped the corners of his eyes and streamed down his face.

"Don't say that," he whispered. "Those were the beliefs of a foolish schoolboy."

He wanted to ask him what his current beliefs were, but he didn't.

"You can't be here, Harry. Do not worry about me. Do not use the portkey bracelet again."

Harry's eyes were still full of tears. His lips still trembled. "Why don't you want me anymore?"

The two parts of Severus were at war with one another. One wanted to shake Harry out of this. The other wanted to wrap him up and reassure him.

"What I want is for both of us to make it through this war. After that..." Anything Severus could have said would sound like a promise. Severus was terrified to make a promise to Harry that he was not positive he could keep, and so he didn't say anything more.

"Yeah," Harry said sadly. "Yeah, every facet of my life revolves around this war."

"Then allow us to end it as quickly as possible."