Chapter 24.3 'Emotions are a bitch.( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

OLLIE.

"So you've done it?"

I walk up besides Evie, who's silently standing, peering out the window.

"You know I don't think I've ever really taken it all in." She says without turning around.

The sunsets gleaming outside has red and orange hues, with the two suns horizons slowly descending. The ship overlooks the city and from our height, the city is overtaken with the blend of the suns colors.

I sigh as I take in the scenery as well.

"Yea, it's just breathtaking isn't it."

I turn to face Evie and notice her swollen, and puffy eyes. Her face is watery, and her eyes are red.

"Evie, what's wrong."

"Nothing. I just- " She takes a breath to steady herself.

She turns to face me, the light of both suns lighting half of her face yet casting a shadow on the other.

"I love her, Ollie... I love her, but I know she doesn't love me. Not the way I do. Not the way I do..."

More tears roll down her face, she stumbles and falls. Her hands cradle her knees and as she looks back up at me her face blanketed in full sunlight.

"But I don't think I can do it anymore." She whispers.

I crouch down and gently place a hand on hers.

"Evie. I love you so much, so please know that what I'm about to say is because of that."

I pause before I start my monologue.

"There was this one dude in class that I used to catch staring at me all day, and at first I used to think that I must have something on my face. Because there was absolutely no way in hell someone broke the rules the way I did, by not taking the medication every morning.

I couldn't believe it. No, it was more like I wouldn't believe it. Because if I let myself believe, even for a second, then I would have to come to terms with the fact I was completely, utterly, stupidly. Scared out of my mind. I was so scared in fact that I even indulged in thinking about going back on the meds. I told myself 'Maybe emotions were a disease. Maybe its a good thing, they're supposed to help me not feel this way.'

Though I didn't go back on the meds, I did ignore the dude. I never talked to him or stole glances back. I told myself that by not being with me, he was saving himself from a world of hurt and confusion. Then one morning, there was an announcement, that a student had been caught infected, and not taking his medicine. When I went to class that afternoon I realized he was missing, and so was everything else of his. It was as though he hadn't ever existed. Of course there was a part of me that was worried of being found out as well, but there was bigger part, that I didn't want to admit, that was devastated. I told myself that it was just me scared of my own emotions. But it wasn't, not really. Deep down I knew that it was really just me not wanting to come to terms with me letting someone in."

I drag my eyes away from the wall and Evie is staring right at me.

"Basically all I'm trying to say is, I know your scared. I know that loving someone can be overwhelming sometimes especially if its real" I picture Cass in my head standing against the doorway. "But if you let yourself feel it, even if you think it won't be reciprocated, that overwhelming feeling that has your heart in a cage. Can be freed. One step at a time."

I feel my face go damp and try to clear my vision.

"Because it isn't just about loving them Evie. It's also about loving yourself."

Evie lifts her head up and I see the deep sadness pooling in her eyes.

There isn't much I have in common with Evie, in fact the only thing I do have in common with her is our friends. For the first time ever I feel like I'm starting to understand Evie.

Her eyes, red and blurry must mirror mine. With the sunset almost over, both of the suns light's are being chased by shadow. As if shadow and light play a game of cat and mouse.

Though her eyes look sad, there is a glint swirling in her irises. Glowing a little more brightly than her green ivy color.

"Alright then, lets go get our girl." She states, with a small smirk.

"Hell yeah."

******

NEVAEH.

I don't know when she'll wake up, but the Elders are eager to know what she saw.

I hear Leyva's voice before I can see her. I blink a couple of time to adjust to the dim light in the room.

Do you know if she's okay though?"

My hearing focuses as I hear Killian's voice. His face comes into view, though his head is turned towards where I heard Leyva's voice.

I reach out to touch his face, needing to know this isn't a dream again.

My fingers brush his jaw, and his brown eyes quickly lock onto mine.

"You're awake." He whispers.

His eyes portray a panic that lines his face. His hand brushes my cheek and a peaceful silence wraps me around me.

I know I should let the peace wash over me, that I shouldn't panic and push him away. But when it comes to anyone and everyone that didn't grow up with me, I find it very hard to trust.

"Unfortunately. Yes, yes I am." I push myself up, and I realize I'm back in the med station. At this point, I'm not surprised I've been here as many times as my own cabin.

I make sure to avoid Killian's gaze. I know if I look at him now I'm only going to see concern, but I don't want that. Not from him.

"Unfortunately? Oh my, someone is a horrid mood." Killian teases.

He rises as the same time I do and stands in front of me, blocking my path to the door. I try to take a step around him, but sidesteps again.

I force myself to look up and meet his gaze.

His eyes seem to get brighter, "Hey Leyva, can you give me a second with newbie here?" I roll my eyes.

Leyva chuckles under her breath moving towards the exit. "Nevaeh, if you need anything at all or just need to talk don't hesitate to reach out. I'm here twenty-five, eight." She smirks.

I don't know what's wrong with my eyes because I swear there's an aura around her. Hovering just above her skin, its as if she's in some sort of pastel bubble.

She walks out leaving me with Killian. And damn, you know that feeling when your breath gets stolen.

With him it was the exact opposite.

Killian stood tall, with what I can only assume some sort of uniform on. The outfit fit him well, very well. Dressed in all dark green, his toned body seemed to press on the uniform, revealing every godforsaken muscle on his torso. Fucking hell, he had a lot.

I pressed my mouth into a thin line, making sure I don't acknowledge anything.

"So, you're not going to say anything?" He questioned.

Killian moved so fast I was caught way off guard when he picked me up by the waist and hoisted me over his shoulder. Surpised, I let out a yelp and before I knew it we were outside.

"Put. Me. Down." I grunt.

His hand wrapped around my waist burns on my skin, the heat spreads through me pooling in my stomach.

"So now you talk." His voice is tight. Probably due to hauling my ass. I try and wiggle out of his grip but my hip only gets closer to his face. "Keep doing that, and I might just have to kiss it."

Already knowing what he's referring to, I feel my face blaze.

"You wouldn't." I mutter.

"Oh, I most definitely would, my lovely." I smack him on the back, knowing he has that irritating smirk of his.

"Ouch. I would've preferred that to be a little lower, right on the ass to be specific."

"You're abhorrent."

"Well, you are lovely."

The way he said it wasn't what got me, it was the fact that he really believed it. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I mean, I know I'm beautiful, not in a narcissistic way but in a 'I love myself way'. It's just how I could be beautiful to someone who barely knows me. I guess that's the biggest thing though, the fact that it doesn't feel like he barely knows me. Just like it feels like I get him, I have this weird impression that we just get each other. Like no matter what, I can always be me. Not 002 or anyone else. Just Nevaeh.

"Stop saying that." I mutter.

"Why?"

"Because." Suddenly, the atmosphere gets way too tense. I decide to liven it up a little.

A sly smile begins to form on my lips as I bring down a hard slap on his ass.

He jumps and before I can shut my mouth a very loud laugh slips out.

"That was highly unexpected." His voice rough, and deep.

I was about to begin to apologize until he stopped and gently placed me against a tree. Just like that he was towering over me again. This time though his eyes were definitely going, and that wasn't a figment of my imagination. But I was way too distracted by how close we were to ask how in the hell it was possible.

His eyes were hooded and mine were on his mouth. That warmth slithered back into my stomach as I imagined my mouth on his.

I- Whoa. Close one.

I snap out of the haze that is quickly trying to fog my head up again, and push against Killian's chest with a hand.

I close my eyes, not able to look at the expression on his face. "I can't."

"Okay." He replies softly.

I look up to see him looking at me, a giant grin on his face.

Now this took my breath away.

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Stop smiling."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because?"

I sigh and pull my hand back, until he catches it.

"Because, I lose people Killian and I don't know how to do this. I have never been able to really talk to people so friends have just never been a thing. Let alone, whatever this is." I gesture in between us.

"Nevaeh, I don't know how to do this either but I think, I think we should at least try to figure it out. Together." His left hand brushes my cheek, while his right holds my hand.

"I -" For a moment I leaned into his touch on my face and didn't let myself ruin this moment. There wasn't anything I had wanted more than this. Someone I could trust, someone who could fight with me and for me and I could do the same.

But reality set in faster than I thought it would. Tearing away all my hopes and dreams, and replacing them with fact. I can't get too close to people, even with Ollie, Evie, and Cass. I refuse to let others get hurt on my behalf. The real truth though is deeper than that. The one fact that I don't know if I'll ever escape is that when you care, and I mean really care, about someone you risk everything. Not just emotionally, but physically too. You risk losing them.

Just like my parents.

Killian's eyes are still on mine when I refocus. I gently step back and turn away. His hand drops back to his sides.

"I think I should head back to my cabin." I walk off, feeling his gaze bore into my back.