Chapter Eighteen: Past: Repetitions aren't mistakes

Presentations

Procedures

Meetings

Food

Meetings

Presentations

Sleep

Repeat

This was my day constantly. Everything passed with a blur, no one dared stop my circle. No one bothered to wake me up from my sleep walk because there was nothing to awaken. I was a zombie and a slave. First a driver gives me two prophecies than Jus leaves and I'm left to pick up pieces by myself. Highschool break ups can't comprehend to how painful it really is.

It's brutal.

Like someone tugged at your heart, like a smile of an adorable child than stabbed me with a giggle. It makes no sense I know but never did I think it would be like this.

"…so, I think we can do it, don't you think Thora?" Michael said

I nodded as I plastered another small smile. I had become a professional at masking my face. Sitting in a dinner with people that I barely knew but satisfied due to my ambition and goal. Justin was gone, so no jokes or letting loose. Or better yet being myself.

I dressed in modern style and made sure my sophistication became a layer around me. Masking the very feeling of a beggar within me.

"We'll make sure it does Mike." I said with a slight smirk.

They nodded their heads and we stood after a while, preparing to go our separate ways. I was thankful that it ended quicker, I couldn't take being fake anymore, literally. I said my goodbyes and hurried to my Uber.

I was dossing by the time I reached my apartment, I bid my thanks and hurried inside. Finding Lucy on my couch I switched off the tv and shook her to go to bed, while I headed to the bath to soak myself. Lucy had moved in a while back when Justin left, apparently, they were sharing a 2-room apartment but since he left, she couldn't pay it by herself, "so she says". Though I have a feeling that its to watch over me.

I've been a mess the first two weeks Justin left drinking to the point of blackouts, oversleeping and having errors in my work. Justin usually worked around me and kept me on ground floor but since he left issues just arose. It took me 1 month and 1 week to gather my wit. To become good at hiding my pain, to become fake.

Want to know what the consequences are? Well, that's easy.

The constant cry of the soul, lack of sleep, and sometimes nightmares. In the morning it's 2 aspirins, a shot of vodka, glass of juice, peppermint than I'm out. Since it's Friday night, I'll have a bath than sneak out like a teenager to avoid Lucy from coming at me like an overprotective mother. I came in at 20:12 pm and now that I've bathed and dressed, its 21:00pm. I grab a long coat to disguise my slutty outfit, my car keys, apartment keys, and dropped it into my purse. My heels clicking against my wooden floor as I left with a silent click of the door.

The loud thud of the music echoed out loud on the streets. Tonight the theme was "Let your young side out"and I brought it all out tonight. The bouncer looked at me and gave me a knowing smile. Been sneaking out for the past few weeks lately, if I couldn't get drunk at my own house than guess what, I'd let my frustration out now. The music instantly welcomed me with a ceremony of loudness, scents of perfume, sweat, alcohol and explicitness.

"This is your new home" my mind whispered, and my heart argued with a statement of

"This is Misery.'

Halsey's song 'Drive' played and I moved to the dance floor, allowing myself to be a subject to the words. Taking control of my mind, body and soul.

"My hands wrapped around a stick shift

Swerving on the 405, I can never keep my eyes off this

My neck, the feeling of your soft lips

Illuminated in the light, bouncing off the exit signs I missed"

The memory of Justin came into mind and I couldn't help myself. I had to let the memories replay. For once.

"All we do is drive

All we do is think about the feelings that we hide

All we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign

Sick and full of pride

All we do is drive"

The happiness, the fights, the sad and the worst. Tears fell but I surrendered to them. I needed to let them out whether I embarrass myself or not. I won't let myself be tainted or tormented anymore.

"And California never felt like home to me

And California never felt like home

And California never felt like home to me

Until I had you on the open road and now we're singing"

Someone held my waist and brought me closer to them. I let them hold me and imagined what it would've been like to have Justin come back and claim me as his. To have been his and not subjected to this paradise called pain. My body buzzed with anger of the possibilities that are now gone and, in his mind, buried as 'forget'.

The love possibly gone and him moving on. The hands caressed my waist, I instantly turned and kissed the stranger. Forgetting curtsy, forgetting self-respect because for once I wanted emotions. I wanted to have control, I needed to not be fake. The response wasn't even hesitant, the response was urgent, as if the moment would be taken away the moment air was brought into the equation. I don't think the alcohol had control anymore, not even in the slightest, it was my decision to keep going. I needed to be brave and tomorrow could stress itself out.

The moment we pulled back, the stranger rested his chin on my head and we just moved slowly as the song "Candlelight" by Zhavia played. I've never almost felt nurtured by anyone for a while. I looked up and gasped. Pulling back with such force I fell flat on my ass, I didn't care about embarrassment, I cared about who was in front of me. I glared as the person helped me stand after apologizing. Anger seeped through my veins, with disgust and sorrow.

I did it again, but this time was something meant to happen between us.

What have I done?