Still Into Him

I tried.

I tried so hard.

I tried not to.

Love only hurts you.

I tried so hard not to fall in love.

But there are times when you can't help it.

Like when we met.

And I knew I liked him.

And now here I am.

Left alone, crying and broken.

The question now is- do I still love him?

Yes.

My phone rings.

It's him.

I press "Accept" and hit speakerphone.

"What do you want?"

"Virgil, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I-"

"Save it." I glare at the screen, even though I know he couldn't see me.

"Virgil, please-"

"I said save it."

I hit "End Call" before he can continue.

Of course he would call.

That's what he does.

Acts like he loves me. Goes out and finds someone else. Goes home with them.

Loves them for a while.

Comes crawling back to me, begging forgiveness.

"That was the last time Virge! I- I promise Virgie, it won't happen again, I promise!"

And I always forgive him.

Roman, that snake.

Which is funny when I think about it.

Roman the snake.

I always thought I hated Janus. He was the snake, after all.

But no.

I hate Roman even more.

The problem is-

I still love him.

I still love him, even though I tried so hard not to; not to fall in love, not to keep loving him, not to love him every time he came crawling back like a rat from some new person's house.

I hate him with every fibre of my being.

And yet I love him.

I glance down at my phone for a second before hurling it across the room.

Before collapsing onto my bed in tears.

After finally crying myself out, I get up.

Pick up my phone.

Dial the one number I trust.

"Hey Virge."

"Patton. Code Red. Ice cream and Netflix."

Patton sighs. "I'll be there in 15."

He hangs up.

I feel a bit better.

Pat's coming.

He and I set up this system the second or third time Roman came back from someone's house.

Patton could see he and I wouldn't work.

So he supported me through our whole relationship.

Right until now.

About ten minutes later I hear a knock on the door, and I go to open it.

"Pat, thank-"

"Virgil."

It's not Patton.

"What are you doing here."

It didn't come out as a question and I didn't mean it to.

Why had the snake returned?

"Virgil, please, just let me talk-"

"No. You don't get it, do you? I forgive you every time. Every time, I tell myself, that is the last time, it's okay, I'll help him be better, it won't happen again. A while goes by. I begin to believe it'll be okay. Then you go out again, you find someone else. You love them. You come crawling back as a little more of me breaks. I'm done with us Roman. I'm done with you. Never come back."

"Virge-"

"NEVER!"

Roman, for once, looks remorseful.

But I don't care.

I slam the door.

I storm back to my bedroom and collapse, in more tears.

There's a knock on the door five minutes later.

"Who is it?" I call.

"It's Patton, I have the ice cream."

I pull open the door and the sight of a friend makes me want to cry again. He looks worried.

"Virgil! I- come on. Netflix time."

Patton quickly puts the ice cream in the kitchen before going down the hall to the cupboard and grabbing the fluffiest blankets I own, that I keep just for this reason.

He comes back up the hall with the blankets and dumps them on top of me, already sitting on the couch.

I fix them up around me as he opens the ice cream, puts a few scoops into a bowl for himself, grabs two spoons, comes over and hands me the tub and a spoon, settling himself next to me with his own bowl.

I turn on the TV and pull up Nightmare Before Christmas.

My favourite movie.

Slowly, I start to feel better.

Dropping Roman hurt.

It still hurts.

But it's for the best.

. . .

. . .

Right?