Ch36. Joffrey's reputation preceedes him
Robert Baratheon was livid!
He offered Ned the position of the Hand and to be honest, had to order him to take it. He knew that without a capable Hand, he is a shitty king. But!
His son appeared to be even shittier!
When it came time to offer the marriage between Joffrey and Sansa... Robert, the man who fancied himself the best connoisseur of whores and all things alcoholic, which made his shame-levels really hard to breach into an embarrassing state, was actually completely and utterly red from shame as he was asking about the union of their families!
His son just shat himself in the middle of the entirety of the Winterfell population and he was now asking for the hand of the little Lady of Winterfell for him. Robert was jumping when Ned reluctantly agreed! But was also sad it will stain the honor of house Stark.
Oh, how he wanted to beat the little shit to the death!
He WAS the king but... fuck he needed a drink. And a whore. Not necessarily in that order.
...
Sansa Stark stared in disbelief as she was told Joffrey was her betrothed by her fidgeting, nervous father. She was aware her expression was showing how hurt and downtrodden she was because of it!
She always dreamed of being the perfect Lady! She will marry a prince on a white horse and give him multiple children! Her mother even started subtly telling her how to please a man to be a good wife!
But... she wanted a prince on a naturally white horse. Not white from raven's shits. She observed Joffrey... her future husband... every time he went out to the courtyard he was shat upon by a raven. In the last two days, the royal family was at Winterfell, the prince was outside at most three times, and every time he needed a lengthy bath afterward.
And when he wanted to talk to her? Sansa could only smell shit... He shat himself.
She really didn't know how the king imagined their relationship to go! Every single time Joffrey approached her, he looked so charming! So gallant! So brave! So confident! And then... he opened his mouth... and shat himself... freezing with his mouth open, the smell of shit reeking from his body.
Sansa was in despair. Her father... must be shitting her.
...
Arya was, for the lack of a better word, completely laughing her ass off in the recent days! She even started following her sister around just to see the rumored Prince-who-Shat!
Oh, the entirety of Winterfell knew about Joffrey, alright. He was the main entertainment of these days! But... Shhh... don't tell the queen!
...
Ned Stark was in pain.
He and Catelyn Tully may have been in an arranged marriage but they came to love each other.
As such, when Ned needed to quench his manly urges, his wife always welcomed him with an inviting embrace into their bed, and warmly showed him her affections. That was also the reason why they had so many kids. Catelyn was always up for some fun in the sack. Even now in their advanced age!
Today, he had an urge to have his wife.
Catelyn, as always, welcomed him warmly with many kisses and gentle words and he was now looking at her head between his thighs and felt... good.
But he also felt her teeth scraping against his meat stick and the pain! God, the pain!
The last time he felt like this was when he brought home John! These were trying months for his manhood!
He knew Tully's were avid supporters of Robert. But...
Maybe... just maybe... it was not such a bright idea to bend over for Robert and give his daughter to Joffrey, newly known as the Prince-who-shat.
Oh, fuck, the teeth! The pain! The... tongue? Oooh... TEETH! Shit, the Pain!
He whimpered.
...
Tyrion Lannister was... drunk. Well, nothing new there.
It's as if saying he was a dwarf! It was a universal truth! One without the other just could not be mentioned!
He was in the middle of having fun. Sadly, it was not his alley of fun. No whore in the ten-meter radius... Sigh. It was such a sad evening too!
But... he had a mission. Sister-imposed one but a mission nonetheless. He was to hear the rumors coursing through the Winterfell. Alas, his legs dragged him a little too further away from the castle and straight into a tavern where no servant comes... Pity really.
That's why he was now sitting in a tavern, enjoying the piss-like disgusting drink... well, alcohol was alcohol... and tried to enjoy his evening.
Hah, who cared that his sister wanted to know what the servants are saying about her little monster to provide someone who he could punish and stir some trouble! Tyrion just used her insistence to quickly disappear from her sight.
It was grating his nerves to listen to the whining boy about how he can't do this... can't do that... can't approach his betrothed... can't torture a peasant boy... can't...
Sigh, sometimes Tyrion really wondered if he sinned in his past life. Not for being born as a dwarf. But for being born as Lannister.
"Yo, is it free here?" A man approached, snapping Tyrion out of his reverie as he asked, pointing at the spot opposite him. Tyrion nodded and the man sat down, bringing his keg with him.
The man was observing Tyrion and his clothes before leaning forward.
"You are from the king's traveling party?" He asked subduedly.
Tyrion looked at the man, hiding his annoyance but with a sigh, he nodded.
"So... how is he?" The man started the talk and Tyrion gained a sudden interest. How is who?
"Who, esteemed mister?" He nonchalantly quipped sipping from his keg, rolling his eyes.
"The-Prince-who-shat, of course!" The man giddily whispered and Tyrion almost gagged.
Oh, boy...
His sister must be happy! The boy gained quite the reputation if even the most piss-poor tavern is talking about him!
...
John Snow, the bastard of Ned Stark was forging a new blade for Arya. He was... distracted.
He thought about the day when the King came and remembered poor lad, Joffrey. Suddenly, John was not the topic of every gossip as it was for the last ten years... suddenly Joffrey, the future King-who-shat... er, the future king of seven kingdoms, was a better topic.
John didn't know how to feel about that. On one hand, he finally saw someone who had it worse than him. He at least didn't color his pants brown every other day. On the other, the guy was a bonafide prince with birthright and will marry his step-sister.
John's relationship with Sansa was... complicated. But even he was not so cruel to wish her something like that... Is it an honor that drove the father to gift-wrap his daughter to someone who has no dignity in the north anymore?
If so... what good is an honor for?
For the first time in his life, John Snow started questioning his father and his honor. He felt guilty about it but... somehow... he stopped knowing nothing.
If Thomas was around, he would be surprised. Goddess Bellatrix really brought a miracle! The main protagonist of GoT was finally using that pea-sized thing he calls brain! Yatta!
John cluelessly continued his pondering.
'Sigh, there are people who have it worse than me, indeed.' He again remembered the sight of shit-stained Joffrey covered in raven droppings and feared it would be contagious.
He decided to be happy about being healthy and forgot about joining the crows.
...
And so the legend of the Prince-who-shat continued. In due time, Joffrey will become the first widely known celebrity of the Seven Kingdoms.