Chapter 9

~Jason POV~

Dad didn't come home that night, and neither did sleep. I lay in my bed letting my mind wander. That's never a good thing. I need to keep myself busy with things or I'll fall. And that's what happened. I just stared at the ceiling counting the cracks until my brain started asking questions.

Why am I here? What did I do that was so bad that I ruined a life? Abandoned by my mother, abused by my father. Do you think they'll forgive me for what I've done? What do I do?

That's when he answered. Black like ink clouded my vision along with tears.

You're here to entertain, to be used that's all. You are a terrible child, that's why you're in this position. They'll never forgive. They don't even love you. Just end this sad pathetic life now!

The black dog curled around me in my mind wagging its tail, smiling at me. His words were true. I believe it. I'm nothing more than a durben weighing down and snapping a family in half. I'm such a freak. I can't trust anyone, I can't because they'll end up like Josh… like Alexander. I thought he was so different from the rest.

He only wanted me for a game, to show people he's better. He liked seeing you suffer, making a fool out of you. He'll never be there for you, I don't even know why I forgave him.

The tears fell from my eyes. I need to do something else. I quickly get up and dive in my closet, Alexander still on my mind. Silently I pull out my dad's old guitar case. I open it up revealing an old acoustic guitar. The frets were littered with dead skin and dust, the body was cracked around the edges and the wood looked old and bleak. The strings were loose and striking out of the head stock. I just picked it up holding it just wanting to do anything but think. I strum the instrument. It's badly out of tune. I strum it some more adjusting until it sounds a bit like an actual guitar. I just started playing notes, then words in my head came out of my mouth.

When I met you your words were new and so exciting

You sold me things, you gave me wings, you were inviting

Now you're gone from my life, I'm a drift on the sea

But now it seems that life's a dream I'd rather wake from

I stumble here to there, no truth that I can take from

Cause you're gone from my life I'm so blind I can't see

But I'll lose if you remain

There is nothing left to gain

It's the same old sad refrain

When I met you my life was blue, I was so lonely

You took me by surprise, your eyes were all mine only

Now you're gone from my life I'm a drift on the sea

And it's all I can do to breath

When I met you, your words were new

Tears start falling again and I instantly regret picking this up. It played with so many memories from recent to past. I remembered when I was smaller, my brother and I sitting in front of my dad while he played "You Are My Sunshine" and we sang along, laughing and tumbling over our words. I remember him putting it back in his case and never playing it again, I remember picking it up some years later teaching myself to play, promising myself that my father's life won't end with his music. I broke that promise even before I made it. Instrumed it again playing the cords of "You Are My Sunshine"

Black dog I see

daily, nightly,Monthly, yearly, sweetly, dearly

he says, "When you pet me, I feel neatly

Rub my paws please, and scratch my belly"

In the evening, I try songwriting

I'm self-loathing, but I love singing

I try escaping these evil feelings

But they keep coming, they keep coming

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So I hung my head and I cried

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

I keep playing letting every evil thought in my brain go. Maybe the black dog is wrong. Maybe there are different ways to make things right. Maybe Alexander really didn't mean it, maybe he cares, maybe he… or I'm just too lost and rambling. I need something else to jolt me out of this state. I lay the guitar down, back in its case, right on top of old baby photos and close it shut showing it away. I start pacing my room wondering when dad will be back. He's been gone before, for hours, days, even weeks at a time. He's left before. But he always comes back. That has to count for something? Right? He'll be back and I'll be forced under him, doing everything he wants me to do. Maybe he'll say he's had enough of me and throw me to the streets. But he needs me. He always says he does.

My hands shake and run through my hair. I walk over to the hallway and down to the bathroom. The disfigure of a person stares at me in my reflection. I grab that small blade and head back to my room. I keep pacing clenching my hand around the blade feeling it pearce my skin.. A jolt goes through my body. My mind shifts from what I've been thinking about. The pain feels good, and there's no one who will ever stop me.

Because no one cares. No one looks at you, because when they do they're disappointed and are sickened by what they see.

I dropped the blade as an image of a boy with brown hair fills my head.

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Thank You so much to Ethan Nestor for that first song, your an inspiration and you help me so much. Even when things look down you bring a smile to my face and save me, love you so much. Thanks to AJJ for that first half of "You Are My Sunshine" it really brought to life the inner demon that formed part of my character. I just remember hearing this song and think how much it could mean so many other things to different people and this is what it means to me. Also Thank you to all reading I never felt confident writing and sharing to the public and now I have 2k viewing and it makes me so excited to at least say I'm building a foundation for my life, because this is something I really ant to pursue and something I really hope works out for me. Thanks again and sorry for this chapter be late, some things in my brain have been making me feel not great! XD oki bai.