Longing for home

I remember fragments of a dream. Of travelling and longing to return home.

"But what if they just want to go home? Can they harm you if you let them go home?"

"They can raise up an army against me."

"But isn't your army the largest in the world? Who would dare come to fight you?"

"Where are these questions coming from, Tofu?"

"I dream sometimes of wanting to go home, but when I wake I don't know where home is."

"This palace is your home, Tofu."

"Of course it is now, but where was my home before? Before I was put in a box and became Tofu?"

"I will help you search another time, Tofu, but now is not the time to think such thoughts. Now is the time to give judgement. What would you do?"

"If they have been in prison," a thought strikes me, "what became of the gift that you wanted?"

"I took it and it is mine now," the Emperor stands and holds me close to his side, iron arm encircling my waist tighter than before, so that I can barely breathe. "Now what would you do?"

"The rules say that even a host must be gracious," I gasp. "I think these people just want to go home. Since you have the gift you wanted, surely they have been punished enough in prison?"

"You are soft," the Emperor shakes his head at me. "Remember, they sided with my enemies and have now become my enemies. My enemies must die."

"I have heard you say that in war if you strike at the general, the soldiers will scatter. What if you only kill the leader and leave the rest to go home and bring news of both your mercy and warning of what you will do if they fight you. If only the leader dies, the rest will have no strength to resist your will."

"Is this your decision? You believe this is right?"

"Yes, your Imperial Majesty."

"What if I killed all of them and let others bring their heads back to their home as warning?"

"I think showing some mercy would make your enemies more wary of you. An enemy let go out of mercy is indebted to you. You have always been kind to me and I feel like I owe you my life."

"You do."

"How much more will a person feel they owe you if they were your enemy and you let them go when they should have died?"

"What if like a snake, they turn to strike me?"

"Then you will crush them. You have the strongest army in the world."

"So I do," the Emperor, the nasal whine in his voice a little less. He pushes me toward a beetle soldier standing by. "Go, take his sword and bring it to me."

I stumble over to the soldier, because of the force of the push and when I look up into his face, ready to receive the sword, I recognise Hungry Beetle. My hands go to my mouth before the sword touches my hands. The sword clatters to the ground, narrowly missing my feet.

Other soldiers immediately grab hold of Hungry Beetle and the Emperor thunders.

"What is it, Tofu?" he demands, once he is certain I am unharmed. "Why did you drop the sword?"

"It is Hungry Beetle, your Imperial Majesty. He is Hungry Beetle who tried to hurt Fluttering Bird and eat her."

"Come here, Tofu."

Striding over, he pulls me back toward his throne and holds me trembling in his arms. "Are you sure this is Hungry Beetle?"

"He wears the same scales on his shell and he has the same hungry eyes."

"Where is the Doctor Guan's daughter?" he orders. "Bring her here."

Fluttering Bird is pushed forward from the crowd of blue clothed people at the back of the hall.

"This is the man who tried to harm you?"

"Yes, your Imperial Majesty," Fluttering Bird bows her face to the ground. Her voice shakes.

"Captain," the Emperor points to the prisoners, fingers on the other hand commanding the other soldiers to let Hungry Beetle go, "behead the leader of these dogs."

The sword is given back to Hungry Beetle and a man is released from the rope chain. He is pushed to the ground and he stares at me with wet eyes.

"Princess," he says, "thank you for saving our people. I am – "

Before he can finish his sentence, the falling blade flashes, the head drops and red water sprays hot. Blood, part of my mind corrects me. There is red everywhere. Everywhere. My head pounds and I hear much noise. The Emperor holds me so that I do not fall and presses my face into his red speckled yellow robes. I do not think I am the only one screaming.

"Now," the Emperor flicks his wrist at another soldier. "Behead him for almost harming and then for frightening my Tofu."

While his arm is raised, I cannot help looking back at the convulsing body still leaking blood. The Emperor presses my face into his perfumed robes again and I hear the thwack, followed by a dull thump. I feel more hot blood spray me. Holding my screaming head close, so that I cannot see, the Emperor shouts orders above the noise.

"Bring them back to the cells. Leave them there another month and then return their things to them and let them go."

With that, he picks me up, holding the back of my head close so that I will see no more and carries me outside the courtroom. I do not know where we are going, but we stop several times for me to be sick and cough up sour, bitter liquid. My throat burns. My head throbs. The world swims and the sound of screaming follows me into the dark. Even there, the image of the headless body and the spraying blood emerges.